Shovel This

Push and shovel.


Spring is trying to get sprung. Wow what an arduous winter we had. In Rhode Island we were continuously breaking snowfall records. I heard the weather man say; “Well today we broke another record, we had more snowfall today than we have had since yesterday.” 


Obama has been having trouble with Isis – well so have I. The ice is over here, the ice is over there. The isis on top of my house. There was actually a tsunami of frozen water coming out of the gutters – a gutter glacier if you will. I had to go up on the roof to try to shovel off the snow, as well as break up the glacier. So I went out the bathroom window and tied myself off with a rope, to the towel chest, by the toilet, cause that thing can’t fit out the window. Then I went out onto the roof with my shovels. My brother reminded me; “Hey make sure the rope you are tied to, is shorter than the distance to the ground”. Oh hey good idea. That would be stupid – fall and hit the ground cause the safety rope was too long. Duh.



The ice was way too thick to break up, my brother also told me that if you put some of that ice melt, in panty hose or stockings, and lay it on top of the ice, in the gutters, it will melt a crevasse through the ice so the water can run off. So I filled some old panty hose with the ice melt and tossed them out there on the gutters. I went to take a look at them the next day to see how they were doing, and nothing – no crevasse was formed – I think my extra support crotch was cock blocking the magnesium ice melt.  


Other people told me, that for the driveway, you could actually use kitty litter. It worked just as well as the ice melt to get traction for the car. Yes, it did indeed work, but the next day, the cat was scratching and crapping under my car. 


Shoveling was brutal. There was so much ice under the fifth layer of snow that I had to keep hitting and slamming the shovel to break it up. And with each slam, something was happening to my stomach. The acid in my stomach was getting angry and it started to come up, with every hit. Finally, I was just shoveling and puking. I was going to stop but then I realized that the acid was actually melting the ice faster, so I kept going and was done before I got dehydrated. Thank you acid reflux you finally came in handy. I try to control my acid with diet or with the head of my bed raised 6 inches. But that leaves me climbing up my bed, every night, all night long. Sometimes I feel like yodeling as I climb, late at night. High on the hill there’s a lonely goat herder lady ole da lady ole da lady who!! 


Poppy will be headlining April 18th

The Odeum Theatre

59 Main Street –  East Greenwich RI 


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