Where Are All the Femmes?

Butch seeking Femme or visa versa these tips should help you find “the one”.

Dear Dr. Frankie:

I am a nice, gallant, open-the-door-for-my-lady kind of butch top, and I’m having trouble finding my femme bottom. I’ve gone on many dates, attended speed dating and even gone online, but all the women I date are not willing to spend the time to get to know me, have a quality relationship and always break it off quicker than I’d like. What am I doing wrong?


Dear Butch:

I am sorry you’re having such trouble because I know lots of femmes who would love to meet you!

It’s a top complaint I hear, “Where are all the good butches?” Apparently, you haven’t shown up in the right spot for these femmes, so let’s explore a little how your dates aren’t going as planned.


Are your expectations too high?

Without knowing more details about your relationships, I can’t say exactly what is going wrong, but generally when relationships continue to fail, there’s usually something in a person’s belief system that is preventing them from truly being present. Do you think your Femme should always be perfect? Do you expect her to take a back seat to you at social events? Do you imagine a kind of relationship that is unattainable and the Femmes you date can’t fit that vision? If yes, it might serve you to really spend some time thinking about what the relationship looks like and if you are creating expectations that your dates aren’t able to live up to. Having expectations can be useful for having a framework for what you want, however they can also be stifling. As any Buddhist will tell you, “Expectations lead to suffering.”


Are you meeting the right kind of Femmes?

The Butch-Femme dynamic is something very powerful and dear to many women’s hearts. It’s more than a style, it’s a connection, a way of loving and something that defines our community. Clearly, you want a woman who truly treasures and values that dynamic. Many a Femme has relayed stories of not being picked up because the Butch has assumed she was straight because she didn’t, “look gay.”


Erase that phenomenon by going to where the Butches and Femmes are. For example, in NYC there is The Butch/Femme Society and in San Francisco, I host Butch/Femme Mixers  every couple of months. There are various social groups such as Butch/Femme Socials, who meet regularly, as well as online groups such as Butch/Femme Planet. Search for “butch femme [your city]” and see what comes up.


If none of this advice is helpful, I encourage you to seek out a dating coach. A Dating Couch can help highlight some of the dating stumbling blocks that may be keeping you stuck in this circular unsatisfactory pattern. I often give homework to my coaching clients to try out different things that may help jump start them into happier patterns. Either way, thanks so much for reaching out and may you find the Femme of your dreams.