Dr. Frankie: My Wife of 7 Years and I Never have Sex

You are in a very sticky situation…

Dear Dr. Frankie:

My wife of 7 years and I never have sex. I don’t need full orgasms all the time, but I do need affection. Every time I bring up my concerns, she gives me excuses or acts like it’s a chore. What makes it worse is my lesbian boss and I are getting closer, more connected and while I love my wife, I’m tired of constantly sacrificing my needs and my sexual confidence for her. 

You are in a very sticky situation: You love your wife, you’ve invested time and effort into making your relationship work, yet you aren’t getting your needs met and at the same time, you’re considering cheating with your boss.

First: As an adult, you (and only you) are responsible for getting your needs met. It’s not up to your partner to meet your sexual needs. If your need for affection is not getting met, it is because you are not being true to yourself and it is not a justification for cheating.

Next: Obviously, sex is more fun with a partner we like, love and find sexy. However, it’s not up to her to make you feel good. It’s up to you. By communicating what you like, dislike and want your partner to do to you, gets your needs met.

Your situation reminds me of something I read the other day: Things in life are either, “Fuck Yeah!” or “Fuck No!”

Think about it for a moment: Why would you ever choose to be with someone who is not excited to be with you?

You have allowed your mate to be excused from sex with you for nine months. In my world, that is a VERY long time. Granted, we all have different levels and amounts of sex we need, and sometimes you just have a bad year. But get honest with yourself: Is your wife growing with you, still meeting you halfway and still really wanting to be with you? Than that sounds like a “fuck yeah!”
However, you mentioned she gives excuses or acts like sex is a chore. Sex is not scrubbing the bathtub. That’s a serious “Fuck No.”

Sex differentiates lovers from friends.

Perhaps you are changing away from each other, or maybe you’ve grown as far as you can together. Maybe your time is up as a couple? As hard as these realities may be, it doesn’t mean failure. It just means that you’ve reached a pivotal moment and you need to get honest with each other about a future mutual solution.

And that mutual solution can’t involve your lesbian boss. While the temptation may be irresistible, you need to be an adult and take care of this relationship first. If you need help communicating with your wife, I have a great list of nine tips to help improve your communication, including illustrated ways to make specific requests and/or complaints.

Good luck and take care,
Dr. Frankie