10 Things Not To Hear On A First Date

first date -curve

We all make dating mistakes, but these slip-ups could be unforgivable

1) My girlfriend is so going to love you!

Hang on, this was meant to be a date, involving two people! Not three. I don’t date two people, one is hard enough. (Get out clause: you’re both polyamorous.)

2) You look different in real life, is that definitely you in your profile photo?

Oh boy, it’s going to be a long night. Yes it is me, are you trying to say I look fatter, smaller, bigger nose? (Get out clause: it’s a fair cop. You get more offers with Cheryl fronting for you.)

3) Let’s skip dessert! I’ve not had sex in almost a year.

I think you are going to be waiting a whole lot longer now. (Get out clause: you’ve been sexting on hyper-flirt-o-matic for three months.)

4) I’ve been told I’m a cougar, you know…

Really? Just how old are you? Your online dating profile said you were 30.  Last time I looked, 30 did not equal a cougar. (Get out clause: she’s a dead ringer for Helen Mirren. And well out of your league.)

5) My ex used to love this restaurant… we came here on our first date too!

Amazing. What marvellous taste you have! And so classy too! I am so lucky you not only brought me here, but you feel comfortable enough to talk about your ex. Oh wait… that’s what I would say, if I wasn’t heading for the door. (Get out clause: there’s only one restaurant in this one-horse town. And only three lesbians.)

6) I absolutely adore dressing my cats up.

As what? They are cats, they have fur… a pussy in a tutu is never going to be “cute”. (Get out clause: creative taxidermy is really trendy at the moment, haven’t you heard?)

7) I’ve got this itch <down there> and it just won’t go away.

I can really pick them! I suggest this date goes to a clinic, preferably without me. (Get out clause: she means behind her knee. Hopefully)

8) My mum still washes all my clothes for me. How cool is that? I will move out of home soon…ish.

Ah that’s nice. You better go home now, don’t want you missing curfew. PS. How do you ever have sex? (Get out clause: you’re both still in school. But do your chores already!)

9) You are really pretty! Your hair is just like my mum’s!

Ok, that’s a compliment. To your mother! Because right now, I am very weirded out. (Get out clause: scrabbling. Scrabbling. Scrabbling. Nope, there’s no excuse for this one…)

10) Are you sure you need that chocolate cake? I think they have a fruit salad.

Yes, yes I do need this chocolate cake, with cream, and another glass of wine, followed by more chocolate. Because clearly you think I am too fat, and when you started talking about scientology not being a cult, you lost me anyway. (Get out clause: there is no get out clause for this. No cake? Pfftttt.)