Is this clean freak settling for a girlfriend with bad hygiene?
Dear Lipstick and Dipstick: I’ve been with my girlfriend for seven years. She’s a wonderful person, but not very clean. She only showers and brushes her teeth a few times a week. Her excuse: She works full-time and has a long commute, so she’s too tired to clean up. She often goes out to the bars with friends, drinks beer and gets into bed without brushing her teeth. It disgusts me. To make up for it, she sometimes brushes for 30 minutes (she claims she has OCD). I want to kiss her and make love to her every day but I’m appalled by her bad hygiene. I feel like I am just settling for her because there is no one out there who would have me. I am a total clean freak. I shower and brush my teeth every day. I know she loves me and would do anything for me, but do I have to settle for her bad hygiene just to have all that? — Sick of the Stank
Lipstick: Gross! This just gives me the willies. Sicko, you’ve been enabling this filthy behavior by living with it for seven years. Quite frankly, I don’t know how you’ve done it. But, the bigger issue here isn’t that you’ve tolerated her stinky stank—it’s that you feel like no one else will have you. What’s up with that? When she picks up a scrub brush, you should pick up the phone and call a therapist. Or check this book out from the library: Breaking the Chain of Low Self-Esteem by Marilyn Sorensen. Until you get a backbone and believe you deserve better, I’m afraid you’re stuck with the funk.
Dipstick: Hold up there, Lipstick. My guess is that this isn’t just about messiness. Sicko, when your partner does bathe, does she have a ritual that she follows? I’m no doctor, but if she really does have OCD she might have “requirements” about how long she has to attend to each body part, how many times the sponge passes over each breast or maybe she has to line up all the cleaning supplies alphabetically by first ingredient. A routine like that can be psychologically exhausting. No wonder she only wants to wash every few days! If it’s not OCD, it could be depression. Either way talk to her and encourage her to see her doctor or a therapist. I’m glad you’re treating her with more compassion than Lipstick is.
Dear Lipstick and Dipstick: My girl and I have been together for five years. For the last two or so, I haven’t been into it like she has. I just don’t want to be with her anymore. What can I do to get her to realize this? I have tried in the past to tell her and it didn’t work. — Over Her
Dipstick: If it didn’t work in the past, try a new strategy. Tell her you’re leaving, take the cat, your Crock-Pot and the futon—and move out. Unlike many things you do as a couple, breaking up doesn’t have to be a joint decision.
Lipstick: This question epitomizes why so many lesbian couples break up over and over again. It’s a toxic cocktail known as the “Dyketini”—a dysfunctional blend of indecision (you know what you need to do but can’t pull the trigger), codependency (that’s why you’re trigger-shy) and fear of loneliness (also why you can’t bring yourself to break away). Do yourself a favor, Over Her, and honor what you’re really feeling. Then roll up your sleeves and prepare yourself, because it’s time to do the work. That means telling her it’s over and then standing by it. Clean cuts heal far more quickly than slowly inflicted jagged wounds.