From the good, to the bad, to the ugly, these are the experiences all baby dykes can relate to.
So you’ve recently come out as a lesbian: chances are you’ll be snapping your short-nailed fingers in agreement to more than one thing on this list…
1. Your parents are either super supportive
Via NY Times
(e.g. “That’s amazing, sweetie! I’ve done some research and I’ve just bought us tickets to go see Magda Szubanski speak – did you know she’s a friend of Ellen?!”)
Or super un-supportive
(i.e. “Are you sure this isn’t a bad phase? Dirk down the road is such a catch! Here, I’ve rented ‘Magic Mike’ on DVD!”)
2. There are all these secret lesbian signs that you had no idea about but now they make a lot of your past experiences make way more sense
(e.g. Any time you’ve just met a girl and she immediately brings up The L Word, she is trying to make it clear that she’s gay. If you respond, she will assume you are also gay.)
This is just the truth, ladies, don’t fight me on this. When has a straight girl ever asked for your thoughts on Dana and Alice within two minutes of meeting you?
3. You have to start taking nail care seriously.
Keep ‘em clean, keep em’ short, keep ‘em ready.
4. Navigating potentially homophobic conversations can be really emotionally exhausting.
Deciding whether to refer to your lady love as your partner or your girlfriend when talking to a new person is often dependent on how many dickhead vibes you get off them in the first few sentences. And when you do say ‘partner,’ you get really sad about the state of the world we live in and why that micro-deception is necessary for your own protection.
5. If you walk down the street holding hands with your partner, you will get stared at.
It may be a friendly old straight lady who is smiling really broadly, overcompensating for the fact that you caught her staring at you, or it might be some douchelord bro yelling at you to “take your tops off, you dykes!” Either way, incognito is something you will not be.
6. Whenever you spy another lesbian in public, you will want to make it clear to them that you too are of the lady-loving variety
Not necessarily because you want to hit on them, but because you want each other to know that queer community exists and you support each other! Bonus if you’re with your girlfriend and you spot another lesbian couple: the desire to scream “We homo too!” increases ten-fold.
7. If you haven’t already, you will begin to see instances of homophobic bullshit literally everywhere you look.
Like the running gag about Cynthia Rose is that because she’s gay she keeps trying to assult the hot straight girl??
Re-watching your favourite childhood films, or even films from five years ago, will probably induce cringing and wondering why the hell you did not find that problematic before (here’s looking at you, the awful comic treatment of Cynthia-Rose in Pitch Perfect). You’ll also realize that ‘that’s gay!’ is – coincidentally, we’re sure – always used as a derogatory assessment. Huh, what are the odds.
8. Lesbian first dates are so much better than straight first dates.
Unless you manage to hook an absolute fizzer, chances are any first date you have with a girl will be a thousand times less awkward, less leeringly sexist, and less, well, boring, than a straight first date. Generally speaking, a girl will not expect you to be impressed by all of her mediocre video game talents, won’t make jokes about your proper place in the kitchen, will compliment your outfit, and will ask you meaningful questions about your own existence! Crazy stuff.
9. You will wonder why the bloody hell you didn’t do this sooner.
Being a lesbian is a priceless gift.