Lesbian Wedding Etiquette
My mother is obsessed with my wedding. She is obnoxious and annoying. What do I do?
Congratulations. This means you are finally being treated like everyone else.
I always learned that the parents of the bride pay for the wedding. But who pays when there are two brides?
Don’t feel guilty. This is the only time the income disparity between gay men and lesbians is reversed.
What gift should we buy?
Something expensive. In America, if you buy them enough stuff, the marriage counts.
How do we deal with our interfaith marriage ceremony?
Don’t worry about it. You’re already going to hell for being gay.
How do I choose my wedding colors?
Some hetero traditions are worth leaving behind.
How do I deal with family members who “don’t approve of my lifestyle”?
Invite them. I’m even inviting George W. Bush. You should too. Inclusion is the best revenge.
What shall we serve? Some of my friends are: a) vegetarian, b) gluten-free, c) lactose intolerant, and d) breatharian.
Cheeseburgers. Your wedding is the perfect time to stop taking care of everybody else’s needs. Now you can dedicate your life to taking care of one single woman’s needs.
What should I put in my marriage vows?
Anything succinct. There’s no processing in vows.
How do we decide who to invite and who not to invite? We don’t want to exclude anyone.
Do invite anyone you love. Don’t invite anyone you might want to make out with.
I’m opposed to marriage because of its misogynist legal history.
Just do it where it’s illegal and look at it as a protest that comes with a very fun party.
We both plan to wear dresses. How do we coordinate them?
Lesbians can now be proud that we finally have one situation in which gay men can solve our problems.
What if we’re polyamorous?
Then ignore what I said about not inviting anyone you’d want to make out with.
How do we include our pets at our ceremony?
I don’t think that question needs a punch line answer.
Which Bible quotes should I use for our wedding?
Stick with the Indigo Girls.
Where do I seat my horrible relatives?
With your partner’s horrible relatives.
Should I pack?
For your honeymoon, yes. For your bride? I doubt you’ll get enough time alone.
Should we videotape?
Absolutely. It will be better than Prozac on any sad day.
Should I post our photos and videotape online?
Yes! If we all do this, we can convert all the web traffic attracted by the search terms “lesbian wedding” and “lesbian kiss” to ad revenue for the NCLR. (Truth is, if we could withhold lesbian porn until we got our rights, we’d have legal marriage in a week.)
Don’t you have any serious advice about our wedding?
Ask for help. Enjoy the love. Be genuine. But I didn’t think lesbians needed any real help with that.
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