Still on the Couch
It's hard to tell what disturbs me more, the fact that my once sexually reserved ex-girlfriend is having more sex than I am or the fact that this newly gained information bothers me so much.
In the logical part of my head, I know that sex isn't a competition or a numbers game–and even if it was, I would win–yet I can't help but be jealous that The Wind is intimately connecting with multiple people at once while I’ve only had one failed attempt at intimacy in over a year.
My reaction to this news has me wondering if my practice of keeping most people I hook-up with at arms length is no longer as beneficial as it was when the policy was first implemented in sixth grade.
Back then, I kissed my best friend and lost him and multiple other friendships in the aftermath. To this day I feel that if someone is cool enough for me to want to sleep with, I’d rather preemptively save our friendship by cutting off sex and romance immediately.
Costello is a prime example of my typical style: I liked her, I slept with her and then I avoided sleeping with her again because I liked her so much I wanted to be her friend.
Luckily for me, Costello got into a relationship with a woman that I think is absolutely adorable and fabulous, so it expedited the process and we avoided the awkward ending sex conversations.
We've become two good buddies and that's how I like it.
But that friendship came at the cost of more sex, sex that potentially could be more intimate and connected–and theoretically better–than the casual one night stands I usually do.
Roxie is on the other side of my typical spectrum. It’s a rarity, but occasionally a one night stand sends me sliding down into a pit of desire where I land hurt and ill-prepared for the daunting task of climbing out.
The journey to “just friends” with Roxie will not be an expedited one like with Costello. Even though I caught myself before I fell too far, I still got some broken bones along the way, reinforcing the protective measures implemented by my 12 year old self and bolstered through my dating years.
I know it's time to grow up in my dating policies and accept that I could handle, and maybe even like, something that went beyond just one night, yet post-Roxie the effort that would take sounds even more exhausting than before.
One day soon, I’ll get up and give actual dating a chance again but until then I’m going to spend a few more much needed days resting on the couch.
Blogger Bio: Queerie Bradshaw loves shoes, social justice and sex. Born a farmer's daughter, she believes everyone deserves a good roll in the hay, and feels empowered by her feminine sexuality. She frequently travels both domestically and abroad, exploring women and wine from all regions. Now a law student who dances burlesque on the side, she fights for international rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of good porn. You can visit her website at QueerieBradshaw.com, follow her on Twitter (twitter.com/QueerieBradshaw) and friend her on Facebook.
Photo: J.Robert Williams