Annoyance is an Emotion
Photo: J. Robert Williams
For the third time in as many months, I took a girl home for casual sex, only to find out she wished for something more formal. She pursued me all night, asked me to come inside and then just laid there, curled in my lap, talking about her vulnerability after her break up and desire to find a new girlfriend.
I expected the throw-me-on-the-couch-and-fuck-me night she promised, but instead I played therapist once again. Not that I mind being there for people, I’m just tired of doing it half naked with bluvaries.
I’m a courageous person, but I don’t have the kind of resilience it takes to constantly fall in and out of love. Friends of mine go from one relationship to the other, some of them even with overlap. After each relationship ends, they boldly venture into another with open arms.
After each of my relationships ended, the only girl I wanted to get intimate with for months, even years, was my therapist.
Honesty being the best policy, I have expressed, in detail, my lack of desire for intimacy at this moment to every person I’ve been with since breaking up with The Wind last April.
So why do they expect more from me? They take me home and expect things to change. They babble and ask inappropriate questions about my exes or talk about their exes, expecting an emotional response.
Want an emotion? Here’s an emotion: annoyance.
With the exception of Zuko from the Motel 6, every woman I’ve slept with in the past six months has pursued me and made themselves out to be the kind of person who can handle sex for the sake of fun, not intimacy.
Yet every one of them, Zuko included, has proven otherwise once in bed. They cozy up to me, expecting me to cozy back. One talked of marriage (we can’t even marry in our state!) and most told me they thought my words had been “just a tough-gal act.”
Someone even blamed her regret on me. I should have known better, she said, because I should have seen that she wasn’t in the headspace to hook up. Considering she was inside of me before she even realized that, I don’t think it was my responsibility to have foreseen her regret.
I have emotions. I have wonderful, fulfilling, sensational emotions that I love and embrace. Just not for these women as lovers.
Some of them I love dearly as human beings and am glad we are friends, but I’m not ready for a girlfriend right now. It doesn’t matter who you are, you’re not going to change that.
I am open with everyone about where I am emotionally in my break-up process, but I can’t seem to get the same courtesy in return. I’ve taken too many women home, just to have them cry over an ex when it comes time to seal the deal.
Just as I am not the kind of person who can easily jump into a relationship, I respect if someone is not the kind of person who can easily jump into bed. But please, for everyone’s sake, know this before you take someone home.
I’m honest with myself and my partners. All I ask is others be the same.
Queerie Bradshaw loves shoes, social justice and sex. Born a farmer's daughter, she believes everyone deserves a good roll in the hay, and feels empowered by her feminine sexuality. She frequently travels both domestically and abroad, exploring women and wine from all regions. Now a law student who dances burlesque on the side, she fights for international rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of good porn. You can follow her on Twitter (twitter.com/QueerieBradshaw) or become a fan of hers on Facebook.