Poppy Champlin: A Woman’s Right To Choose

Hillary Clinton

Gay is God’s birth control.

We need a lesbian for president. I think Hilary is gay. Remember when that lady threw a shoe at her during her speech in Las Vegas?  She said, “I hope she didn’t play softball like I did.” Come on! That is code for, I’m a lesbian!

Gay is the best form of birth control but everybody can’t be so lucky. So once Hill is elected, I hope she makes the morning after pill available to everyone, women, teens, pets, everyone. Heck, I’d like to see it on the menu at Jamba Juice as an additive to your smoothie.

These other birth control devices designed for women are so invasive. There’s a plethora of them: a sponge, a diaphragm, a ring, a rod, UCF, IUD, crab traps, lobster pots. How about my invention? An ISD, intrauterine sonar device, it employs the same principle as the navy’s sonar that throws off the navigational compass of the sperm whales.

So as soon as those little sperm start their 5K-egg swim, the vagina emits this loud WAAAAUUUAAAGHHH and they get all discombobulated and beach themselves. Why is it always the woman with these devices?

Why not have the man insert a microchip into his penis, so that his spunk automatically becomes sterile when exiting. It works kinda like a mezuzah on a Jewish doorway.

Texas is closing down its last legal abortion clinic. That is wrong. Women need to be able to be in control of their reproductive capacities. It says so in the Bible “ A woman shall have the right to choose to conceive.”  Fallopians 3:17.  It is right after the book of Ovarians and preceding the Gospels of Peter, Paul and Mary.

I had a partial hysterectomy, meaning they took the uterus, but left the fallopian tubes and ovaries.  Boy were my eggs pissed. Oh yeah, they knew they were sitting on death row. I could hear them every month, the next one down the tubes for parole, just banging their cup up against the cell walls.” Come on, do somebody! I want to be somebody! I coulda been a contenda. I coulda been a brother, I coulda been a sister.”  I would just say, “Yeah yeah, dead egg walking. Keep moving.”

I never really wanted to have children. From an early age I saw the pain that women go through and I said “F” that, I’m gay.  If I want to have a baby, I’ll make one on my 3D printer. Oh yeah, who’s the Daddy?  Hewlett Packard.

I had a girlfriend who wanted to have kids. She even tried to trick me into having kids. She stopped taking the pill. But I kept wearing the condom.


Plus kids are so needy and expensive. You have to buy them a car seat, it’s the law. What’s wrong with blankets and a bungi chord?  No. Those seats are sturdy. I saw one the other day at the airport, going around the luggage carousel, kid still in it!