Being in a gay relationship and trying for a baby we have a lot of people asking us questions.
Here are a couple that people have asked when I put it out on my personal Facebook page and others that are asked to Amber or myself quite regularly. If there is something you want to know (I am a fairly open person) then please feel free to ask.
1. Who is going to carry the baby and why?
At the moment and in the past it has been Amber attempting to get pregnant. Why? When we started this journey we talked about who would carry a baby and we figured Amber is older and has wanted to be a parent since she could remember and that’s the answer to that, there was no fighting or long drawn out conversations. It was actually a really easy decision for both of us to make.
2. Will you (Leah) try to get pregnant?
Eventually I think so, yes! Even though I am scared about the whole thing, I will definitely be trying for a baby. If Amber has more struggles to get pregnant then it may be sooner rather than later, but who knows just yet!
3. I can see Amber wants to get pregnant and experience it all, do you have the same feelings or are just a back up?
I really liked this question. I want to become a parent so badly but I am honestly scared about the process of doing it myself. So I guess I don’t look anywhere near as excited about the whole process as Amber does, seriously I am worried about the whole morning sickness and carrying a baby part, not to mention giving birth! I love that some people are so excited about pregnancy and carrying a baby (like Amber for instance) and I definitely want to be a parent but being pregnant and having something move and grow in me kinda scares me! I will probably be like a guy with man flu the entire pregnancy, complaining about something the whole time.
4. If Amber is successful in having a child, will you (Leah) then try to have a baby?
I really do want to have my own baby. If Amber gets pregnant, then I really do believe I will want to do it myself…. Even though I am petrified of the whole being pregnant part. I would love to have two children that both Mums have made! We have always talked about both of us being birth parents so we will just have to see what the future holds for us.
5. If you didn’t work in child care, what would you do or want to do?
I would have loved to become a teacher. Since I was about seven years old I knew I’d be teaching or doing something with kids when I grew up. Once I got to high school I realised that I was not going to get grades to get into university and didn’t want to do exams in year 11 and 12 so that’s when I decided that maybe I was more suited to child care. I’ve now worked in child care for so long that I can’t really imagine doing anything else. Now if I could just do any job without being worried or physically fit enough (because I wouldn’t be – ever) I think being a police officer would be amazing. I have so much respect for what they do.
6. How did you know you were gay?
When I was about 15 I first noticed I was feeling attracted to girls. I never acted on it and didn’t until I was a bit older. I never really knew what to do with those feeling and was scared about it honestly. I had boyfriends and had a serious relationship until I was 20. I broke up with him for various reasons but I was getting older and becoming more ‘myself’ I had finally decided that I had enough! I ‘hooked up’ with a friend after that and enjoyed myself and realised I wanted to explore this side of me more. A few months later I met Amber. So I guess I knew I was different and at least bi-sexual around 15-16 but didn’t admit it to myself until I was around 20.
7. How long after you and Amber got together did you start thinking about children?
We started talking about it fairly early on, nothing major just a general chat that we would want children in the future. It wasn’t until we had been together around two years that we started getting the ball rolling.
8. How long have you and Amber been together, you guys seem to have a brilliant relationship, is it hard having to work together as well?
We have been together coming up to seven years. We have been working together for almost two years and have not killed each other yet. We have had our tough moments like any couple but we communicate really well and I think that’s a huge help in having and keeping a great relationship going.
9. Was it hard to pick a sperm donor?
We have had two donors. The first time we had a known donor and we clicked quite well and it came to us easily. Currently we are using an unknown donor through the fertility clinic. We had three choices and Amber and I both read them separately and asked each other which one we liked best and luckily we both chose the same one! Quick and easy decision!
10. Do you know people who have had success through Concept?
Yes we do. We know a lovely gay couple who have a beautiful three year old son. So we know that it can work.
11. Is Concept the only fertility clinic you have been through?
Concept is the only fertility clinic we have been through. We could have gone through any others but chose Concept. Since being with Concept we haven’t considered going to any other clinic (yes we have thought about doing it at home again) but the staff at the clinic are amazing and our specialist is pretty great so we haven’t thought about leaving them in the near future anyway.
12. What happened to your ‘known’ donor, would you consider trying again with him but with Leah?
After letting us down a couple of times when we first moved back from the Pilbara we informed him we didn’t want to use him as our donor any more. We didn’t hear from him for quite a while but I am pretty sure Amber heard from him maybe a year or so ago asking if we were interested in him being our donor again. As tempting as it was I was already set on using an unknown donor at that stage and said no. Again we haven’t heard from him in a while but do think about him.
13. Have you had to pick another donor?
Yes. We have now chosen a new donor as the donor Amber has used for her embryos that are in storage has run low. I have used this donor, if Amber becomes pregnant with her embryos and I with this donor – our children will not be biologically related at all.
14. Do you believe in equality?
Of course I do, being gay I can’t believe people are still so ignorant they don’t feel we deserve to be able to marry or have the same rights as everyone else. My theory is – if you don’t like gay marriage, then don’t marry someone who is gay. It really should be that simple.
15. How do you know when it’s right to try again? What is the time frame that you are required to wait before your next attempt? Is it financial or emotional that stops you from trying so often?
Basically all you need to know it’s ok to try again is your regular period. There is no time frame you need to wait unless you have a miscarriage and then I am fairly sure you need to wait until your period is back to normal.
Sometimes with us with not going straight into each cycle, it has partly been related to financial issues that has stopped us having an attempt for a particular month. With Concept we don’t have to pay as you go and you just get sent the bill. We have never received a nasty letter demanding payment which makes it easier to just keep going. Emotional reasons are also another reason to have a break for a month or so. Sometimes it’s quite draining (also physically draining for Amber when she did IVF and IUI on medications) and sometimes it just gets in the way with our personal life. If we are planning a holiday we also have to decide to have a month or so off because we might be away right in the middle of the cycle.
16. Have you considered using a ‘friends with benefits’ situation to save money and going through the procedures?
I guess in a way we had that situation with our known donor – even though we didn’t sleep with him to get pregnant. I wouldn’t want to go back to a known donor or using a friend because through Concept the parent not carrying the child has more rights. Neither Amber or I could imagine sleeping with a friend or a stranger to get pregnant. If we did get pregnant with a friend or another random man – there is nothing to stop them fighting for custody.
17. Is it hard to know that everyone knows you are going for an attempt and do you feel that two weeks later you need to tell and update people of the result?
When I started this blog, I knew we would get to a time where we were updating the blog as it happened. When I first started it was all backdating so it was a lot easier to keep it all a secret I guess. I do feel as though I need to keep everyone updated as we get the results but it is also nice to have a lot of love and support each month.
18. Do you think you’d need to tell everyone once you do get a positive result?
This one is quite difficult. I know it wouldn’t be easy to keep from anyone for long, since we have publicised the whole attempting for a baby all over the internet, so I am sure that people will probably know quite early on. If we do ever get a positive result our family would be the first to know. Once we have told family I would want all of my closest friends to hear the news – the friends that have been through it all with us. I would want to tell people face to face and then I guess after a certain amount of time I would let everyone else know.
19. Have you thought about what your child will call you? Mum/Mum or Mum/Leah-Amber?
We have not really thought about it too much, but one thing I am definite about is that our child will not be calling us by our name. We will both be raising the child equally and no matter who is the ‘birth mother’ I would like us both to be mum, or mumma, or mummy or whatever.
20. Who will be the stay at home mum?
Well whoever is the ‘birth mother’ will be the one staying at home. It all depends on finances as to how long this will actually be. The one good thing about both working at the same daycare will be the ability to bring baby along to daycare with us!
Some of these answers are outdated now as this was actually written a couple of years ago. But keep your eyes peeled for more posts to keep up with our story!