Poppy Champlin: Summer Vacation


Rome to Istanbul

This summer I entertained on an Atlantis gay men’s cruise that sailed from Rome to Istanbul. Holy Terrorists haven!

I like Turkey, with lettuce and tomato. We actually had to stay out at sea instead of completing our scheduled Port in Istanbul because of a terrorist alert. The boys didn’t mind at all. They were having a great time at the parties, wearing their costumes, they wouldn’t even know if they were being boarded by pirates.

They would be like, “Oh look, the cruise ship dancers are putting on a show. Oooh look at his bazooka.”

Those trips make me horny, so I told them “I brought my strap on and I’m going to fuck one of you guys.” Oh, they got very excited, nervous and giddy.  I said, “You watch, one night you will have one too many drinks or get rejected one too many times and that’s when you are going to come to Papi.”  One little twink actually wanted me to do it. I’m like “What? That was a joke.” He said “Come on, you said you would.” I’m like “Okay”, so I took his sea pass, bought a watch, a spa and threw it overboard and said “There, now your fucked, how’s that feel?”

So Italy was nice. I went on a bus tour in Naples to this little old town, high up on a hill; cobblestone narrow streets, the town of Taormina.  Our tour guides name was Ticisonya.  I am terrible at remembering names but “Tits-on-ya” I can remember. But, because it was a holiday, it was crowded as fuck.

I mean every store, every step was a hassle and you had to jostle with tourists. There was one moment when I wanted to snap – and be like “People, get the hell out of my way, I’m an American here!”  Oops bad Poppy.

I tried to buy some shoes but when they went to run my credit card it was denied. “What?”  I didn’t call them and tell them I was leaving the country. What?  Oh yeah you gotta let them know otherwise they shut it off.  So, I get Visa on the phone and they have the nerve to act a bit snooty –saying “Well, where are you going?”

Ah I’m going to Chetativecchia in Nipples with Titsonya. – I don’t know, where I’m going I can’t speak Italian – Just expect some weird shit –on the card.  “Well how long will you be gone?”   “I don’t know. There is a time change tonight and then we fly back against the wind, during the time that the earth is rotating on its axis.”  Just release my credit card…release the Kraken –I need soft leather Italian shoes. Prego.

snowglobe pompeii

I should have gone on the tour that went to the city of Pompeii. I would have gotten my usual souvenir snow globe. I wanted the one that when you shake it, ash rains down and covers the city. What, too soon?