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FeedShould I Follow My Bliss?
Dear Lipstick and Dipstick: I’ve been dating my girlfriend for a year, and I think she’s really wonderful, but whenever I try to bring up the future she changes the subject. She’s said things to me when we’re in bed like, “Wouldn’t it be nice if we lived together?” and “You’re so good with kids, it makes me want to have them with you.” But when I try to have a conversation with her about it after we put our clothes on, she shuts me down. She doesn’t want to talk about it. Also, we are both 24. Are we too young to get serious? Should I cut my losses and move on? Or should I be more patient and try to work this out? — The Marrying Kind
Dipstick: Yahoo for her. Too many lesbians these days are rushing off to get married and have
babies. Your situation is very similar to one we deal with in our book. Follow these five simple steps and the answer will become quite clear to you: 1) Relax. Put it in perspective. You think she’s wonderful and you’re having a good time together. Celebrate that. 2) Talk to her. See if she even realizes that she’s giving you mixed messages. 3) Reflect on what she said. Did it make sense, or did she keep contradicting herself with a bunch of mumbo jumbo? 4) Talk to your friends. Is this a pattern for you, falling hard and fast and wanting to move in too quickly? If it is, your best gals will be honest with you. 5) Chill. You can beg and visualize and work all kinds of voodoo spells, but you can’t force someone to commit who isn’t ready to do so. Accepting where she is is just parDear
Lipstick: You’re so pragmatic, Dipstick. You’ve got a five-step process for everything. Marrying Kind, it is possible for you to have a serious relationship at 24 and you should always go after what you want with abandon (notice I didn’t say reckless abandon), but you must be careful here. I’m talking about with your heart. I worry that while you’re cooing in her ear about babies and pickets fences, she’s scanning the room for someone with larger boobs or a bigger bank account (aka someone who’s not you). Do you worry about this, too? The best advice I can give is to be patient and not push too hard—yet. A year-long relationship, believe it or not, is still pretty young. You should keep the lines of communication open, but don’t put unnecessary pressure on the situation. There will be a time for that (maybe in a year or so), but for now, play it cool. If she’s anything like me, she’ll be turned off by a beaver that’s too eager.
Dear Lipstick and Dipstick: I’m a lesbian in the Army and I am what they call “on the way out,” which basically means my career with the military is done. I joined the Army at 22, so I had a few years of college and life under my belt. I have big dreams and my goal is to be a filmmaker. I’ve worked on a few scripts, I am an advanced video editor and my plan is to move to Los Angeles. I have had my fair share of dramatic relationships in the past and decided to be totally career-oriented. Then she happened...We met, we spent time together and bam—I’m in love. I fit better with her than anyone I’ve dated. Of course the problem is I have these big dreams and can’t exactly chase them if I stay here in Ohio with her. She is in college with big dreams of her own. We are both totally taken with each other, but afraid of getting in the way of the other’s main goal. Do I give it a try or focus totally on myself? Does it make me selfish if I have to hurt someone else to live out my dream? — Talented in Toledo
Lipstick: Who says you can’t have it all? Kick that notion to the curb. You’ll have to figure out logistics (like how you’ll manage a long-distance relationship for a while), but those are just details when it comes to something as massive as true love. You’ve met someone with whom you deeply connect, so do not choose your career over her. If you do, you’ll end up with a bunch of screen credits, but no one to share them with; success is much sweeter when someone’s holding your hand (especially if she’s smokin’ hot). And believe me, you can have both. As for your budding career as a filmmaker: rock on. After you’re done reading CURVE, go to your computer and pull up POWER UP’s website (power-up.net). Join this dynamic organization right away. They’re all about giving dykes the means to manifest dreams, while promoting the success of gay women in entertainment, the arts and media.
Dipstick: Talented lesbian, put that creative brain to work. You don’t have to move to Hollywood to work on screenwriting and video editing. Lipstick is working on a movie right now and she lives in Portland, Ore. Nose around for production companies in Ohio, or buy a camera and start producing movies of your own and post them on YouTube—get a buzz going. But if your dreams really are on Sunset Boulevard, talk your vixen into transferring to UCLA. Whatever you do, don’t sacrifice your dreams for a girl.
Dear Lipstick and Dipstick: Am I a lesbian? I live in Taiwan and have been married almost seven years, unhappily for the last two, and have been separated for months. I have had a girlfriend now going on six months. I’ve always been into girls, but I’ve never acknowledged it. Now I find myself not even attracted to men. Could this just be because my marriage is ending? Will I find myself attracted to men again? Am I finally becoming who I’ve been hiding? Or am I bi? I’m scared to even say that word, for my girlfriend is against bisexuals. She also says it’s too risky to be with one. Help! — Torn in Taipei
Lipstick: Yet another woman who is/was married dealing with repressed homo tendencies. Wow, there sure are a lot of you out there. Dip, maybe this should be our next book. First, Torn, try and relax. Think Zen thoughts. If you’re following your heart (and your pussy—sometimes it’s the only honest gauge), you’re on the right path. You won’t have answers for some time, so try and find peace without them. An old Chinese proverb reads: Muddy water let stand will clear. During the tumultuous times surrounding my own sexuality years ago, I kept this quote taped to my dashboard and found great comfort in it. Do the same and trust that one day the answers will slowly float to the surface.
Dipstick: Lip, let’s start working on that book right away. If we had an electoral vote for every time we’ve been asked that question, there’d be a big ol’ butch dyke living in the White House. Are you bi? Are you a dyke? You’re going to have to figure it out for yourself like the rest of us. As Lipstick says, take some time, journal, meditate, read coming-out books and get laid. Don’t let us tell you who you are, and don’t let your bi-phobic girlfriend tell you either. Listen up, lesbians: Bi girls are no more unfaithful than gay gals. Let 2008 be the year we lesbians stop bi bashing (and trans bashing, too).
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Reader Comments:
Dear Lipstick and Dipstick, First, I would like to thank you both for all your support and advice to us. I am a lesbian in my mid 30's, that recently came out, but I know I have always been a lesbian almost all of my life, I wasted most of my life experimenting with men, of which I now regret, living with some in long term relationship hoping they would cure me {somehow}. "I guess I would'n get that sappo craving anymore". I met someone very special and I really like this person a lot, she is very open and experienced, she have been living an open lesbian lifestyle for many years. I am new to this, I have never kiss or been with a woman intimately before so I feel a little ackward to be with her alone in a romantic way. Should I tell her I am inexperience in love making when she comes over to spend the night ? Will she exspect me to godown on her during love making? I don't want her to feel that I am a idiot. Thank you again for your advice.
"Please help clueless lover!!! "
Dear Lipstick and Dipstick, First, I would like to thank you both for all your support and advice to us. I am a lesbian in my mid 30's, that recently came out, but I know I have always been a lesbian almost all of my life, I wasted most of my life experimenting with men, of which I now regret, living with some in long term relationship hoping they would cure me {somehow}. "I guess I would'n get that sappo craving anymore". I met someone very special and I really like this person a lot, she is very open and experienced, she have been living an open lesbian lifestyle for many years. I am new to this, I have never kiss or been with a woman intimately before so I feel a little ackward to be with her alone in a romantic way. Should I tell her I am inexperience in love making when she comes over to spend the night ? Will she exspect me to godown on her during love making? I don't want her to feel that I am a idiot. Thank you again for your advice.
"Please help clueless lover!!! "
Dear Lipstick Dipstick, I am 29 and for the past 2 yrs i have been coming out very slowly to family and friends. I live in a very small town so its been very interesting to see that most of the people here are very excepting, besides a few so called friends and of course my bible pushing family!!! I came out to my parents last year they handled it better than i expected but still give me a rough way to go from time to time ,but my brother is not coming around to my new lifestyle , he rarely speaks to me and he wont even acknowledge my girlfriend, i know this is frustrating for her because her family is so supportive of us and mine pray everyday that we split and i meet a 'nice' man and get married and have lots of babies . I know that with me being married to a man before gives them false hope that i will be again , how can i get them to accept that i am a lesbian and that nothing they can do will ever change who i am now . With my brother its going to be hard to get him to accept me which hurts me the most , he has 2 wonderful kids and 1 on the way , and i am not getting the chance to be an aunt to them ,he wont let them come see me and i am clearly not invited to his place although he did invite me to 1 b- day party i was strickly instucted to not bring my girlfriend, how can i get him to realize how much he is hurting me and that i am still his sister no matter who my partner is
Caden
Yes! Come clean with your new partner. Think of how much fun you will have as she shows you the ropes.
Yankeegirl
Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to change your brother's feelings. All you can do it live your life, showing him that you are the same person you have always been. You don't say what kind of attempt you have made to engage with him, but perhaps you can bring the topic up, let him know that you feel he has been distant recently and you'd like to know why. Starting a dialogue may help. Or it may not if he is really stuck in his ways. But that's some place to start.
Dipstick
Dear Lipstick Dipstick ,Thanks for resoponding back to me. The truth is I have not spoke to him since Aug. and we have never spoke about any of this it all goes through my mom, plus i am trerrified to speak to him directly about me being a lesbian , he knows but I was not the one to tell him plus he tries to ignore the fact that i am a lesbian they all think its a phase. Also there is a new baby on the way and of course he can't call and tell me the good news he has mom to do it so there is no comunication at ll between us, but I will give it a shot one of us has to grow up and take the first step might as well be me, wish me luck!!!!
Hi First of all, thanks for such a great magazine. I am 37 years old, I've been with my partner for going on 17 years. We are only out to a few friends. I want to come out to the world, but my partner feels she cannot come out to her parents, ever. I know that they already know, how could they not. I told here that I want to tell my family. She is scared that if I tell them they will tell her parents. My family treats her like a part of the family as does her family with me. Do you think I should go ahead and tell my family and just ask them that they not say anything to her parents? I feel like I need the closier with my family. I want them to know that I am happy. That I have someone that loves me and I love her. How do you suggest I deal with this? And how do I talk to my partner about the way I feel? Thanks for listening and most of all thanks for the magazine.
Missy, Ohio
dear lipstick and dipstick, my name is kate and im from vancover wa and well lately iv been kinda struggling well im not desprite but i do want to be with somone and when i am its more of a one night stand deal i like the girl but after that she just is gone we never talk after that. iv been like that with most girls but latley iv been having feelings for my new friend emily and i dont want to go so fast i want this to mean something so i bought her a rose and asked her out on a date...but she said she wanted to get to know me better but how can we really hang out with it not being a date?
~kate vancover~
Dear Lipstick and Dipstick,
My story is the same as many...32, married before, dated men (hating the sex and just thinking that all women did and just lied about it), was single for a long time (just saying that I was very picky and waiting for the perfect one), the whole while being attracted to women (thinking that all women were and just lied about it). About a year ago, I let my guard down and let go and met a wonderful woman. We have been together for almost a year and I've never been happier. I love her. Who knew...I love sex, too! :-) I thought that there was something REALLY wrong with me before.
Here's the big problem...dad is a baptist minister. He has the sticker on his car - Marriage=One Man+One Woman. He even has a tie! I am not close to my parents. How could I be if I've been lying to them for years about many different parts of my life. For some reason, I feel the need to tell them the truth. Mostly, I want for them to meet the woman that means so much to me. How could they not love her? She's wonderful. I got the DVD "For the bible tells me so" and it feels like it was made for me. My parents don't happily surprise me ever, though. They are still "mourning" my divorce 6 years ago. Any advice on how to let them back into my life?
Annie
Alright so its me again completely lost in missouri.. Well i stopped talking to the player for a while but we have recently started talking again but just as friends sinces she in the military and we can't have a serious relationship. Well i was dating a girl but it didn't last she was just to much a drama Queen for me. But my problem now is that i have been talking to this new woman and let me tell you shes great.. shes more of the butch type but then is very kinda girly. She plays this all tough side but with me i guess i make it melt away. And i love that because she has only been pleased once by a woman. Shes usually the pleaser. Well i love pleasing and my ex was like the one now and i made her legs shake and that was my first time. But i don't wanna be to cocky.. I want to take care of care and please her like no one else and i feel like i can.. But idk. But i also still have feelings for miss player and idk i do feel us growing apart and maybe just because she was the first real woman i fell for without any physical relationship may i add and that she will always be in my life.. Can you help me..
dear lipstick &dipstick
I am 16 and I'll have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years in January. I really really love him but I'm not exactly sure what kind of love it is. I've been questioning my sexuality since sixth grade when some girl called me a "lesbo" for picking up/ hugging my friend (she was so light I couldn't resist). As of like two days ago I decided that without a doubt I am attracted to women. But I am not sure if I am attracted to guys too or not. I don't want to hurt my boyfriend but honestly I wish I could just be attracted to girls only and not have to deal with the possibility of being bi. I have always had a problem with the term bi because it's thrown around so lightly like I know so many people who say their bi but it's just because it's cool. I think that's really messed up and I don't want to be seen in the same way I see them. Like I said I love my boyfriend but he's also really sensitive and it seems pointless to come out to him as bi because in his mind that just means that I still love him, but am interested in other people too and might possibly cheat on him. He always says that I am the only girl he ever looks at and he could never love anyone else and I know he's not lying but I hope he's wrong because if I do decide he's not 'the one' in that way I still want to be friends with him and I don't want it to be more painful then it has to be. When I was little I had crushes on everyone, girls and guys, but recently I've only been noticing girls and I don't know what that means... Do you have any ideas?
~Impatient and Indecisive~