Defensive Dating for Dykes
Whether you are looking for Ms. Right or Ms. Right Now, you know what it is you are looking for in a woman. But how much thought have you given to what you don’t want? Knowing the danger signs can save you time, money and your mental health. Here are some red flags you should avoid when selecting your potential partner:
1. ROOMMATES WITH BENEFITS: Any woman still living with her ex-girlfriend six months or more after they have broken up is a dyke who not only likes having complications in her life, but also invites those complications to drink out of the same milk carton. It is possible for the ex to still be there between you, even if she is long gone. If your date is still wearing a commitment ring after breaking up 18 years ago, you’ve walked into a virtual ménage a trois without any of the fun. This third wheel is loaded with spikes that will derail any relationship—unless you believe that nothing says “romance” like eviction proceedings.
2. TAKE A NUMBER: Keep your eyes peeled for a revolving door when scoping out a potential mate. If she has dated more than 10 women in the last month, you may just want to spin around and head for the hills. Signs of the lesbo player with commitment issues and an open door policy include: text messaging with others during your date, requiring twenty minutes to listen to voice messages, calling you by the wrong first name, using a roster to see when she is available and an inability to remember where she met you. If you are out on your first date with the party girl and more than 10 of her “friends” stop by to say hello, you can bet she has had more dates than a hooker in Times Square. The date isn’t worth the cost of the antibiotic treatment you’ll need later.
3. COLLECTOR: While you should avoid women who collect dates the way Dick Cheney collects death threats, there are some women who seem to accumulate other things that can indicate future complications in your life. Any woman whose apartment resembles a shelter for wayward animals will have you wading through animal hair and competition for affection. Forget the GPS, you can follow your nose to her house. Reasonable people have a reasonable number of pets around them; collectors, however, are referred to as “the crazy cat lady” or the “that psycho dog nut.” You will find yourself flea-bitten, fur-covered and playing second, 10th or 20th fiddle to her four-legged obligations. Say goodbye to vacations, long hours away from home and privacy. You will become one of the pack rather than a significant other.
4. MILF: While it’s fun to bag a MILF, reality can come crashing down when it comes to becoming a baby’s other mama. On again, off again might work for adults, but you don’t want to come in and out of a kid’s life. You need to know if it’s solid before you start buying the kiddo an “I love my mommies” T-shirt and coming up with a maternal name for Junior to call you. Know that even if your biological clock is ticking louder than a sonic boom, you’re coming into an existing family structure and you’ll have to reign in your own ideas on parenting. These are her kids and you’ll have to parent her way.
5. READY FOR MY CLOSE UP: Beware the drama queen. If you see cameras and boom mics around, you might want to avoid dating this person, or you might find yourself on BRAVO playing the role of the girl who holds the star dyke’s purse while she acts out, throws fits, gets drunk or competes in a cooking competition. Producers will light fires between you two to get good television. Fans will tweet scathing and uninformed judgments about your character based on cleverly edited programming. Your relationship won’t last beyond sweeps week.
6. CLOSET CASES: If you are out and proud, the last thing you need is to be dragged back into the walk-in. Some women will expect you to act like “friends” around their family, church or work colleagues. No touching. Don’t smile too much. Make no reference to the fact that you live together, much less sleep together. The closet case is wound as tight as a drum and will force you to share in her irrational guilt and shame about being a lesbian. Embrace the rally cry, “I won’t go back again!” and move on to someone who will hold your hand across a table in a restaurant with no fear.
7. TO BE OR NOT TO BE: Look for a revolving door on that closet and avoid the “gay-not-gay” girl. Often the disease of celebrities emerging from rehab and looking to resurrect a career, the one-day-gay, one–day-straight seesaw will leave you confused and dizzy. Key indicators include the following: She claims not to be a lesbian, but just happens to have fallen in love with a woman; She often wears a T-shirt that says, “I’m not gay, but my girlfriend is” and she means it.
8. GOLD DIGGER: This one will fall in love with you as soon as you tell her what your salary is—and it is one of the first questions she’ll ask. She’ll browse around your condo like it’s an IKEA store, making more guesses regarding the value of your belongings than a contestant on The Price Is Right. Your heart, your grandmother’s silver and your credit rating are not safe around this girl. If she indicates that her jewelry, designer purse and sports car were all gifts, excuse yourself from her life or get your bankruptcy lawyer on retainer.
9. COUCH POTATO: This person wants a companion with which to watch long hours of television. While she may go out dancing and dining with you at first, after you get ensconced in the relationship, her energy level will drop to that of a slug. Look for the telltale impression of her rear end on her couch in front of the tube where she would like you to become a fixture. Her best friends are Oprah, Ellen and Dr. Phil and she’d like you to hang with them, every day. Your plans for an active lifestyle will be sucked up by the TiVo, and socializing will be relegated to Facebook. Communications will have to take place in 120 characters or less on Twitter or during 90-second commercial breaks. Lesbian Bed Death will be imminent and your waistline is will to expand while your attention span shrinks.
10. RADICAL: Lesbians are famous for being counter-cultural. While you may respect her tenacity and moral superiority for being a Vegan Animal Guerrilla, you may reconsider after having to bail her out of jail for the 10th time. Being an activist can be very exciting but you can get swept up in the cause, forgetting about the reality of your relationship. Driven by her fervor for equal rights, you may find yourself in Hawaii sliding a ring on her finger to support the cause of gay marriage and it’s only your second date. A radical’s passion will always be for her cause and unless you are a homeless potbelly pig heading for the sausage factory, you may never be her priority. Remember: Being on a Homeland Security list is not quite the same as having a secure home.
11. CRAZY FOR YOU: You want a hot Miss not a hot mess! Watch out for jealousy and possessiveness after the first phone call. If she tries to break up with you and then reconcile before you even go out on a first date, she may be fruitcake material. The same is true if she blows off your first date, but calls you for a second one. Craziness can be disguised as passion, adventurousness and even sexiness. It’s all very unpredictable in a boring world, which may seem attractive right up until they strap you into the white sports coat with the arms tied in the back.