Why aggressive parenting isn’t always the best approach.r
In 2011, Yale professor Amy Chua wrote, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. The book detailed Chua’s aggressive parenting style, which she attributes to her strict upbringing. She coined the phrase, “Tiger Mom,” which has now become a part of pop culture lore.
I am definitely not a Tiger Mom, and I don’t subscribe to many of the parenting practices that Chua suggests in her book. In fact, I flat out disagree with almost all of them.
Pushing your child to be successful is one thing, but using controlling and demeaning methods in order to do it is another. Yes, some children who have grown up in this type of environment have become successful adults. But more often than not, they have a wealth of social and emotional problems that go hand-in-hand with their success.
I ask you this: is it better to be successful or happy?
In my humble opinion, it’s possible to be both.
That’s why my overall goal with Maggie is to make sure she knows she is loved, that she can accomplish anything she wants in the world, and that both of her moms support her wholeheartedly in following her dreams.
Between my wife and me, I am the stricter one. I tend to give Maggie less leeway than my wife does, but I think we balance each other out. My wife lets me know when I need to back down a bit, and I let her know when we need to draw the line.
However, I would never use tactics like shaming Maggie in public, limiting her social activities with friends, or forcing her to play a song on an instrument until it was perfect no matter how long it took. These are some of the practices Chua employed while raising her two daughters.
By doing so (and by writing her book), Chua fed into an existing stereotype about Asian American mothers. This leads me to my next point.
A research assistant from Smith College recently contacted me. She is conducting a study on how Queer Asian American women balance work and family responsibilities, and she is looking for people to participate in an interview.
Here is a short description of what the study is about:
Beneath the "model minority" stereotype of Ivy League professionals and controlling “tiger mothers,” little is known about the actual experiences of Asian American women as they move into the workforce, become heads of households, and negotiate ties to ethnic communities and culture.
The study includes single, married, divorced, lesbian and queer mothers and those engaged in both paid and unpaid work. Its purpose is to potentially help to raise awareness of the particular challenges facing Queer Asian American women and to facilitate workplace practices, policy initiatives, and activism to better serve Queer Asian American women and their families.
If you are interested in participating in the study, please contact Nahee Kwak at [email protected].
Her goal is to give a voice to what Asian American mothering really is.