Sisters-in-Arms
Stephanie Schroeder
You know how people often ask a lesbian couple or two lesbian friends if they are sisters—meaning blood relatives, biological siblings?
Well, I was on the subway with my gal last night, the L train heading into Brooklyn and we were sitting across from what seemed to be a heterosexual duo. They were a hipster couple, and I use the term “couple” loosely because although they were tonguing each other, the dude was barely north of gay. They eventually got off at the stop before ours, in a much hipper neighborhood.
The woman in the pair caught our eyes and asked if we were sisters. “You have the same nose,” she smiled, “that’s how I came to my conclusion.”
Well, as it turns out my girl and I do have similar size and shaped noses, but we don’t at all look like each other. And, no, we are not siblings, but we are lesbian sisters as well as lesbians lovers.
“No” we said, shook our heads and smiled. We didn’t mind coming out to her; it just seemed totally unnecessary and completely irrelevant.
That young woman on the L train is everyone: All the older Italian men at the butcher, the Polish women at Veselka restaurant, the multicultural mash-up of middle-aged businesspeople smoking outside their office buildings in Midtown Manhattan, the scrubbed-clean young Midwestern tourists…all who so often ask, “Are you two sisters?”
It’s recognition of the ease and familiarity between us, me and my girlfriend, and other lesbian and queer couples. I used to get angry about this question—I considered it ignorance about lesbians and queerness, and erasure of our relationships. Now, I think it is more of an identification.
It is an acknowledgement of the smiles on our faces and the delight in our eyes as we interact with each other in public spaces, discussing the play we have just seen, our plans for this weekend, discussing our upcoming out-of-town trip, etc.
So, to the woman on the train: No we are not sisters, but yes we are sisters. We are another kind of sister whom you may not “see” but whom you surely recognize.
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Reader Comments:
Happens to my girlfriend and I all the time. It makes me laugh every time.... I live in Manhattan for pete's sake and get it from hipster types all time... Like HELLO... We are about to win marriage equality and STILL your first thought is sisters? I even have short spiky hair! LOL
My partner and I are totally opposites to look at! yet we constantly get asked if we are sisters!! quite amusing at times.
It may be that they want to ask if you're partners but it seems a much more personal question. After all, asking about sisterhood doesn't mean they actually believe there's any sibling relationship, but may be curious about the nature of the relationship and "sisters" seems the least invasive question. They're taking the initiative to ask a question, just not the one they really want to ask.
I was recently looking at my Facebook friends and I saw that a woman I went to school with had listed that she was married, so I was curious what her husband looked like and looked through her photo album. I couldn't really find any pictures of men that weren't labeled as cousins or brothers or something, so I thought maybe she's not out about her sexuality and she's in a relationship with one of the ladies in her pictures. My curiosity got the better of me, so I messaged her, but I was shy about broaching the subject of her sexuality, because really it isn't any of my business, and it's rarely something you message and ask someone out of the blue, and I was just curious, so I asked her which individual in her pictures was her spouse. (I used all gender-neutral verbiage in the question.) In that instance, her reply was that her spouse works in Washington (she lives near D.C.) and doesn't want his picture online. That hadn't occurred to me, but given that explanation, it's as likely as my line of thought.
I told that story because I wasn't willing to come out and ask if one of the women was her partner, but instead tried to ask in a round-about way that wouldn't be awkward for either of us. It's my belief that the sisters line of inquiry is often a more shy way of trying to confirm a belief that two women are not sisters.
When I first started reading your story I thought you were going to reveal that they turned out to be brother and sister, but my mind works that way.
Happens to my partner and I all the time..For pete's sake she is Asian and I am White :)
This happens to me and my lady too! But, I am over 6 feet tall and white, she's 5'5" and Mexican! It really annoys me too - but after reading this, I think I'll just accept the sister comments as recognition of our (rather obvious) loving bond.