I remember being very afraid of having sex with a woman for the first time.
So, you’ve spent your whole life dating men and now you’re thinking it’s time for a sexy lady because you totes want some orgasms and women have well-nice hair. But how does one approach these lady things in a romantic way? What should one say or do? How does one dress? Are heels appropriate? Should I cut my hair now? Do I still need to aggressively wax my vagina?
These are obviously trick questions because all women are different and this is what makes dating humans so damn exciting. If you love your heels then, by all means, wear them. If you like to feel the wind beneath your vaginal wings then wax away. There are no rules when it comes to dating either women or anyone else – just do whatever you feel comfortable with. But there are a few helpful things I can say to you as a fully-fledged lady romancer and so I will say them now.
Firstly, WELL DONE.
Getting to a place where you can go, ‘yep I fancy girls’ and actually do something about it takes a whole lot of strength. Seriously. You may have had to deal with lots of deeply embedded painful memories like that time you told Jenny she looked pretty and she screamed, “ewwww, no need to be a BIG LESBIAN about it.” (I wasn’t being a BIG LESBIAN about it Jenny. I just think you look pretty and sometimes you want to kiss a face that’s pretty.)
If you haven’t already, go get yourself a doughnut and do the winning dance. Go on. Go on. I said do the dance. Okay, don’t do the dance. But do consciously thank yourself for being open enough to recognise who you are and having the courage to explore that.
Dealing with the inevitable labels questions.
If you tell people you’re dating a woman, some people will immediately want to stick you in a box and whack a label on you because they simply cannot cope in a world where everything isn’t immediately categorised. I think it’s some kind of weird, internal filing system in their heads, I dunno.
So you might get questions like this that you’re not ready to answer yet:
“So are you bisexual, then? Or a gay? What am I going to tell your grandad?”
There are various ways to deal with these.
1. Confuse them with long words
Say, “I’m a genderqueer intersectional polysexual feminist.” This will leave enough people in baffled silence long enough for you to run away.
2. Shame them with the future
“Erm, it’s 2018 mum. Labels aren’t a thing anymore? Jeez. Even granddad’s more woke than you.”
3. Make them slightly uncomfortable with the science on female sexuality.
Tell them that a famous sex doctor has done research which found that, “even though the majority of women identify as straight…when it comes to what turns them on, they are either bisexual or gay, but never straight.”
Then wait for the uncomfortable silence whilst your mum/sister/friend absorbs the implication of this statement.
4. Tell the truth.
It’s totally, 100% fine to say:
“You know what, I’m actually not sure. That’s why I want to date women, I guess. To get to know myself a bit more and see what my possibilities are to be happy and loved. If it’s okay, I’d really prefer it if you didn’t put any pressure on me to choose a label and just let me be me for a bit.”
The reality is, changing labels is really, really scary. I came out a few years ago after identifying as straight for 29 years. I had to have intense therapy for 3 months before I could say, “I’m a lesbian” without bursting into tears or having an uncontrollable urge to throw rotten eggs at my own head. For many women, saying, “I’m bisexual” is equally terrifying.
You may find that after dating a woman for a while, you get to know yourself a bit more and feel a lot more comfortable about being labelled. Or not. Whatever. Do what you’re comfortable with because if the rainbow means anything, it means accepting yourself for who you are.
Understand that some people have issues.
I’m just going to come out (LOLZ) and say it: occasionally, some lesbians don’t date women who also date men, which is a shame because they are missing out on some uh-mazing woman. I’m not sure why to be honest but from the women I’ve spoken to or dated in the past it seems to be a big mash-up of fear of being left/anger towards men/painful past experiences. I don’t judge because, frankly, gay and bisexual women have had to deal with a lot of shit, including watching the woman they fell in love with – and who is probably gay – marry a man. Lemme tell you, that stuff can really fuck you up.
The important thing to know is this isn’t about you. If you meet a woman and she goes all weird when you say you date men or you’re bi or you’re curious just walk away. Do not let it put you off because believe me when I say there are so many women who will welcome you into their bed/heart/home/muff with open arms.
But, if you’ve got a boyfriend, most women will not be interested.
Don’t mess with women’s heads if you have a boyfriend. It’s a massively shitty thing to do. For that matter, don’t mess with men’s heads if you’ve got a boyfriend. Or mess with women’s heads if you’ve got a girlfriend. Basically, just be a decent human being, yeah?
Don’t worry if you’re nervous and fumbly in bed.
I remember being very afraid of having sex with a woman for the first time. Like Exorcist-levels of fear. Because, you know, women are meant to be really good at this stuff aren’t they? We know our own bodies so we know all the women’s bodies. And we know how to go down on women because we’ve done it on ourselves because we have no spines.
Let’s get this straight: Lots of women do not know their own bodies. I actually didn’t get to know my body properly until after I came out because it was only then that I was emotionally and physically ready to explore who I am. So the first few (maybe more, probably more) times I had sex with women I had no idea what I was doing. Shall I…touch that there? Whoops! No. “Sorry!”
The most important thing is to find a partner who is understanding and kind and being open and honest about the fact that it’s your first time. I for one would be very flattered that a woman would want her first time to be with me and I’d make it super nice with candles and shit. Hmmm…maybe your first time should be with me?
[Quick discussion with Editor on legality and wisdom of giving out phone number].
Yeah, that’s a no. But whoever your first time is with, DEMAND CANDLES.
And that’s it!
Now, go into the world like a beautiful, sexy, open, woke, empowered butterfly and have an amazing time. I guarantee you won’t regret it.