5 Very Real Struggles Of Online Dating As A Bi Woman
And two very real benefits…
1. Threesome requests
At least 60% of your messages, if not more, are likely to consist of words to the effect of: “My girlfriend and I were very interested in your profile…” Even, that is, if you have said you are monogamous on your profile. Even, indeed, if you have expressed a specific interest in retreating to the top of the mountain with The One, a couple of pairs of Birkenstocks and 50 cats, and avoiding all other human company for the rest of eternity (not that I would ever write anything like that on a dating profile, ahem).
2. Other rude questions
“How can you like both?” “What do women do in bed?” Um, who the f**k are you? Do I know you? This isn’t how you politely introduce yourself to people. I am not won over. Sorry. I came here to find the love of my life, not engage in smutty chat about the way I like to play with boobs – unless, that is, the person I’m speaking to is wearing those boobs. Unsolicited comments from guys wanting to presumptuously perve over or pry into my desire for women are not welcome. The politeness rule goes for men messaging self-identified non-monogamous bi women, too. Especially for them, as they’re even more open to this kind of abuse than the rest of us.
3. The lesbian filter
Unfortunately a lot of lesbians seem to take advantage of any mechanism that will erase bi women from their search results. Even if they haven’t really thought it through. It’s easy to tick a box quickly when you’re running through a huge list of questions. In some cases, it’s not even immediately clear that ticking said box has eliminated a huge swathe of women-loving women.
4. The male mailbox issue
As you might have guessed from the previous points, bi women get a lot of messages from men. And, as a general rule, we don’t tend to get many from women. It’s true that women don’t message first as much as men do on dating sites. I’ve heard from more than one straight male friend with an excellent profile that they almost never get any messages. However, I do think bi women have a particular problem: Filtered out by the lesbians, fetishized by the guys.
5. The lack of bi dating sites
There’s really not very much out there, alas. And what is out there is usually sparsely populated and not very well publicized. Plus subscribing to a specifically bisexual dating website then eliminates lesbians and straight men from your search and… argh! You’ve automatically shrunk the net yourself this time. Back to square one.
6. Dropping the ‘B-bomb’ straight away
Online dating means baring all on your profile right away. No agonizing about how the hot girl flirting with you in the bar might freak out if you tell her you like guys too. You can be yourself right from the start, from behind the relative safety of your computer screen. Much easier than a lot of “real life” coming out situations.
7. Meeting other bisexuals
There’s nothing quite as refreshing as getting a message from someone else bi who is going through the same aggro. Whilst online dating can be a real b***h for bis, it can also be a great way to find like-minded souls if you’re feeling like the only bi in the village. It’s a bonus, of course, if some of those souls are cute and smart. And they want to meet up.
Charlotte Dingle is a freelance journalist and recent Master’s graduate who writes for DIVA, Planet Nation, Occupy and Cosmo. She is ex-editor of the Stonewall award-winning g3 magazine for lesbian and bisexual women, and was founding editor of Biscuit, a website for bisexual women which was also nominated for a Stonewall award under her editorship. Bisexuality and mental health crusader. Hobbies include hanging out with her kittens and morris dancing. Too many tattoos and piercings (well, that's what her mum said).