Written by:
Kate Lacey
» Order
this Issue of Curve:
Vol. 17#4
1. When the Wedding March plays, you hear:
A. The sound of Disney characters singing gaily.
B. The sound of your lover’s voice in your ear promising forever.
C. The clicking of a pair of handcuffs, much like those you used with your last girlfriend.
D. The snapping shut of prison cell, no chance of parole.
2. Your attitude toward a commitment ceremony or wedding is:
A. It’s the first day of our real relationship where we will be together forever – unconditionally in love, carefree and living the fairy tale.
B. The perfect opportunity to publicly declare my affection for my girl before everyone I care about.
C. Open bar, free gifts, hanging out with my friends – what more could I want?
D. Bachelorette party! One last check out my ex-girlfriends in their sexy outfits and think about the hot old days. Damn.
3. When planning your wedding, your role will be:
A. To completely plan the perfect day, beginning to end. People will write songs about how beautiful this wedding will be.
B. To collaborate with my partner so the day reflects both of our personalities.
C. To call all of my friends and ex-girlfriends to give them one last opportunity to talk me out of this. Better safe than sorry.
D. Wait, what? When?
4. The most important part of being married is:
A. That we are together forever and never apart. Not for a minute.
B. That we find a way to stay together, celebrating our commitment yet maintaining our individuality.
C. Even if it doesn’t work out, she’ll be friends with me and we’ll probably still
live together.
D. That it isn’t really legal, yet, and restraining orders are easy to get.
5. Which of the following song would be your “first dance” and define your marriage?
A. “You Light Up My Life”
B. “(Come on) Light My Fire”
C. “Blinded by the Light”
D. “Turn Out the Lights (The Party Is Over)”
RESULTS
For each result, give yourself the following points:
A: 2 points
B: 3 points
C: 4 points
D: 5 points
10 points
You think that a wedding and marriage are the perfect culmination of your relationship. You should consult a therapist, as you are slightly delusional regarding the reality of the institution of marriage. Being hitched is not a cure-all for what ails you. There is a great possibility that you are expecting too much of your relationship — that your wife can fulfill you, define you and make you whole. Contrary to sappy cinema, no one can complete you, unless you are a fill-in-the-blank or the Bionic woman.
11–15 points
You are so ready to be married that you could model for a wedding cake topper. Take the plunge with full knowledge that you are to commitment what Anne Heche is to, well, not commitment. You know you love your woman, and the both of you agree on balance in your life together. You know marriage takes work and requires a sense of self in order to have anything to share with each other. Mazel tov!
16–20 points
You’ve had a lot of partners in your past; many of them are still around the periphery. However, they seem to provide only a minor distraction for you as you face your nuptials. You’re indecisive when trying to decide what restaurant to go to on a date with your girl, so what makes you think you can decide whether or not to spend the rest of your life with her? Stop letting your fear and your friends decide your fate.
21–25 points
You are the antithesis of marriage material. Sure, it’s a nice idea, but it flies into the face of your catch and release approach to women. Don’t do the “I do” just for the gifts, dude. A toaster oven ain’t worth the pain you’ll have to inflict and endure later as you separate your personal property — including the toaster oven. You are not quite ready for the altar. The “alter” you’re ready for is your lifestyle.
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