Written by:
Kristin Egener
Photographer:
Laimah Osman
I've been out at school now for three days, and it's so much worse than I imagined it would be.
I can't walk down the hallway without someone bumping into me, hard. Someone scratched "lezzie hag" into the paint on my locker, then slid photos of naked women inside so that they fell all over the place when I opened the door. I was never Miss Popularity, but now almost no one talks to me unless they have to, except Juan.
Jude smiles at me, but I think I scare her a little bit because I'm now even more out than she is—she never announced introduce herself as a lesbian out loud like I did. I HATE walking down the hall and seeing people look me up and down, then say something to their friends and laugh. I could take it if they just came out and said stuff, but this sneaky, silent humiliation is worse. I don't think I've ever felt so alone. I feel like I'm going to cry 24 hours a day, but I can't. I can't concentrate on anything either—if things go on like this, I'm going to fail. Of course this HAD to be the year I decided to take a bunch of honors courses! Why do they have to be so mean? Why do they care who I have a crush on? Why do they have to force me to fit their mold in order to treat me like a human being?
They look at me now like they own me, or want to own me or something. All I want right now is to get out of this hellish school, out of this ugly, claustrophobic town, to someplace better. As Juan says, "Please God, make me into a bug so I can fly far, far away!" It's just too hard, and I feel so helpless, but I REFUSE to let them see me hurt … only I don't know how much longer I can take this!
(Later …) I had to write again today because I just talked to Mr. Parker after Health class, and I feel sooo much better! He was so nice and understanding, he hugged me and even let me cry a little bit on his shoulder.
He told me that I can always count on him for support, that he'll take my problems to the administration if he has to, in order for me to have an easier time in school. He also gave me the number for this queer youth group in town, Queer Scouts, and he told me that they also meet tomorrow night at 6 pm at the gay and lesbian bookstore downtown.
I guess I'll try to go, though I don't know what I'll tell my parents. They'll freak out if I tell them the real reason I'm going.
I also know I won't be able to get the car to myself tomorrow night. How can I explain needing to be dropped off at the only gay and lesbian bookstore in town?
Time to start plotting!
<*smooches*> ~Regina
Regina Babydyke's Cyber Diary is a Curvemag.com Web exclusive.You won't find it anywhere but here. We'll be posting new episodes in the coming weeks, so check back soon for more!
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