Written by:
Kathy Belge
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this Issue of Curve:
Vol. 14#5
When former Popular star Tammy Lynn Michaels was a teenager, deep in the homophobic Midwest, she could not have imagined the divine contentment of her current life. Nightly, she would implore God to make her straight. Like far too many queer teens, suicidal thoughts plagued her.
She poured her heart into journals, which she still keeps to remind herself how far she’s come. At 18, she left Lafayette, Indiana, for New York City and enrolled in acting conservatory school, ready to make her mark on the world.
“[My mom] dropped me off and as she drove away, I said, ‘OK, I’m going to be gay now,’” she recalls.
Unfortunately, her first attempts at coming out were met by the Hollywood closet door slamming in her face. Not yet able to shed her fear of stepping into the light, Michaels lived the classic double life. “When I was closeted, I felt like I was cracked in half,” she says. Finally, she decided the dream of being an actor was not worth the cost to her mental health. She flung the closet door open three years ago and met the love of her life. And, despite her worst fears, acting gigs continue to come her way.
I caught up with Michaels while she was in Tampa, Fla., on tour with her rock-star wife,
Melissa Etheridge. We chatted about those dark years, her lesbian bartending days, her new sitcom, wedded bliss and living life out in the open.
Q&A
I read somewhere that you were waitressing in New York City and a talent scout found you, and that’s how you ended up in Popular. Does that really happen?
Wow, wouldn’t that be nice had it been that easy? You know, what happens is, people ask questions, and you give them the shortest answer, and then they make it even shorter. I was bartending at Ruby Fruit Bar and Grill on Hudson Street.
A lesbian bar?
Yeah. I was the Wednesday and Thursday bartender. There was a woman who worked there as a host — she used to be in the acting agent business. She was incredibly sweet, and she set me up with this [talent manager]. I went and met her, and she started sending me out on auditions. I booked the very first one I went on, which was for Law and Order. I spent a year shooting tons and tons of commercials all over New York.
Did any of them end up on TV?
Oh yeah, honey. There [are] 11, like Yoo-hoo and Playtex tampons and Secret deodorant. I did a bunch, and they all aired. People were yelling at me on the street, “Hey, you’re the tampon girl!”
I didn’t really do much else until I went to California for just a little break. I was with somebody at the time, and we were having a rocky spot. Everybody says I should go out for this thing called pilot season. So I came out to L.A., and a week later, I book Popular.
So, you went to California in time for pilot season and you had a bunch of auditions?
Yeah, my agent started sending me out right away, and I had a lot of callbacks and a lot of meetings with producers. Popular got me first. It’s crazy. They don’t fuck around in L.A. If they like somebody, and if a pilot’s going to go, you audition for something one day; the next day, you’re meeting the producers; the next day, you’re meeting the head of the network; and the following day, your life has changed and you’ve booked this TV show.
It’s really unstable.
Popular dealt with LGBT issues, so why do you think you were advised not to be out? And why did you choose to follow that advice?
First of all, I had an agent who represented me very briefly who heard that I’d made a joke about being gay at one of my very first auditions. She called me up and she said, “If you ever, ever say you’re gay again, I’m dumping you. I will never work with you again. And you will never work in this town again.” This is in New York, and mind you, she was a lesbian.
And you knew she was?
Oh, yeah, I met her partner. She sat me down and said, “You can have this career, you can be beautiful and a leading lady. And if you come out, you will have nothing. You will wait on tables for the rest of your life.”
I’d already come from a home where my mother had to wait tables when she was 40. Sometimes we didn’t have electricity, and sometimes we didn’t have food. So having that childhood, I was ready to make choices to make sure that I didn’t have that issue in my adult life. So I climbed in the closet. I had a girlfriend at the time who wasn’t all that anxious to have me come out, either. I had every single area of my life encouraging me to [stay closeted], or I would ruin everything. And that’s a lot of pressure. I was only 21.
What did you learn?
I learned that I can’t live to make other people happy. That’s a nice, big lesson to learn. That is something I can put in my pocket and use the rest of my life.
Backing up a bit here, when did you come out to yourself?
I knew I was different when I was in first grade. I remember looking at my teacher and thinking, I need to grow up and be a man so I can marry her. Then that kind of awareness went away until I was about 12 or 13, and all my girlfriends were getting crushes on boys. I just didn’t get it until I had a delicious softball coach. And she could hit a grounder like nobody’s business and she could throw that ball. It made me all sweaty.
Like the Meg Christian song, “Ode to a Gym Teacher.”
It’s all about the gym teachers! They save our lives when we’re starting to wake up and deal with our own sexuality. I was about 13 when I went, Uh-oh, the thing in me that’s different is the thing that goes with that word gay. That’s when I spent several years in a dark period of my life. I was very suicidal. I was one of the lucky ones who didn’t have successful attempts. When I was growing up in Indiana, there was nobody to look at. I had never heard of k.d. lang. I didn’t know that the Indigo Girls were gay. I hadn’t heard of Melissa Etheridge yet. I didn’t know if there was such a thing.
How did you end up getting over it, then, those suicidal years?
I had to get the fuck out. I looked around, and I was surrounded by closed-minded, Bible-thumping, judgmental people. So I turned 18 and I thought, Oh, dear God, there’s got to be something better for me out there.
So, you went to New York to be out.
I tried to date a couple more guys. They were so nice, and then they’d move in to kiss me and I’d be like, eew, eek. I finally heard about some girl who worked with a friend who was gay, and I did the typical coming-out thing: I stalked her.
That’s where you did your research for The L Word!
[Laughter.] Oh, I wasn’t crazy like that. I would completely pretend to just show up and visit my friend. [The crush] was a waitress, so I would watch her run upstairs to the tables and downstairs to the kitchen. I thought she was just the most beautiful creature I’d ever seen. And so, of course, we dated and had the typical dysfunctional first relationship. Then I moved on from there and got into therapy.
Then you’re in the closet, you’re in Hollywood: What’s that like?
I remember going to the GLAAD Awards my first year on Popular, and I remember tearing up. I was in my foxy little outfit, on my foxy little TV show, and I’m gay, and I was at the fucking GLAAD Awards! We accepted an award that year for Popular, and I was sitting there thinking, I’m finally around my peeps, I’m finally with my community and I [have] to shut up. It felt awful. It felt like I was back in the Midwest, ashamed of this terrible secret. I’d gone through all of this soul-searching to find peace with my sexuality, and I thought, You know what, fuck this. This dream of acting and whatever is not worth it.
Not at all. I’m done.
How will your career be different, now that you’ve come out?
I’ll tell you, the biggest difference is being married and having kids. When Melissa and I started settling into this life, I thought, I don’t want to be one of those jerky step-parents that isn’t really there for the kids, who doesn’t really know the kids. So, for seven out of 14 days, I am responsible for how they are raised. Seven out of 14 days, I’d better be home and I’d better show up. So, the biggest influence on my [work] has been finding a script and immediately saying, “Where does this shoot and for how long?” And if it shoots out of town, I don’t go. I only went to Vancouver, to shoot The L Word, because they went out of their way to shoot around my schedule with the kids. I’m involved with them to such a degree that whether I’m a parent or step-parent, they don’t know the difference. And there’s this sitcom [pilot] for NBC that I just did. It shoots in L.A.; it’s got great hours.
What’s the sitcom?
I wish they would title it. Two women created it. They’re funky and they’re strong and they’re funny and they’re politically incorrect. It’s about two quirky New York 20-somethings falling in love. I play best friend to the lead girl. My character’s name is Tess; [she’s] a nanny.
So, you’re more in charge of making your schedule work around the kids than Melissa is?
Right now, Melissa is the breadwinner. That might be a shocker for some of you to hear [laughs]. And she tries to be home with the kids as much as she can, but there are times when she’s on the road, when I’m in L.A. with the kids by myself. That will continue to be until this show for NBC gets picked up and her touring settles down.
How was working on The L Word? Was it fun?
Oh my God, it had to be one of the loveliest experiences I have had on a set. A bunch of really warm, caring women, filled with respect for the stories they were telling. It was incredibly enlightening. It gave me so much hope to watch all these straight chicks dive at each other with lust and respect and understanding. It was awesome. It was really amazing. They’re such great girls.
Will you be back?
They asked me to be back this year. I will hopefully be doing two more.
Congratulations on your marriage. Any plans to go to Oregon or Massachusetts to get the legal papers?
We’ve spoken to many political leaders and advisers, and their suggestion was not to go to San Francisco, but to wait for Massachusetts, because it seemed to have stronger standing in the court. So since that was the advice, we’re kind of lying low and we’re going to wait and watch.
What was it like when Melissa proposed to you?
Oh my God, I was like life-stoppingly shocked. She and I had talked about marriage. She said, “I’m not going to do it until it’s legal.” But she sure as hell didn’t tell me when she changed her mind. I was just shocked. We cried! Two girls proposing! We sobbed.
Was she able to get the words out, or did she bawl?
Oh, she got them out in that little crackly voice of hers. And she had the ring made and everything. She picked out the diamond. She’s like one of those romantics that you watch on TV.
What do you do in your free time, when you don’t have the kids?
[She calls out to Melissa] Honey, what do we do in our free time? OK, I’m not going to explain to you the gyrating motions that Melissa is doing with her hips.
What do you see for yourself in the next five years?
Definitely a baby.
Are you going to have a baby?
Oh, yeah. I’m going to have one in my belly. … [Eventually] I would love nothing more than to have Melissa kick back and relax and have me do some of the work. That would make me really happy. The stronger my relationship with Melissa gets, the better I know myself. And the more I know myself, the stronger I get. How much joy can somebody have in their little old life, ya know? I am so full. It’s like having a bakery with every single thing you want, and it never ends.
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