Written by:
Pam Huwig
With her groundbreaking book, "The Survivor's Guide to Sex", somatics practitioner and sex educator Staci Haines asserts that empowered sex after abuse is not only possible, but vital. Haines recently talked with Curve about desire, shame and working through the problems that can result from abuse.
Why is it so hard for women to talk about sex?
Women are fed a lot of misinformation about who we are sexually. So many people think of women as either virgins or whores. There just are very few images of sexually empowered women who choose what and who they desire.
Why is good sex important?
Ah, my favorite question. Sex is a normal human drive. Having good sex--where you feel pleasure, intensity, and longing--is one of the most powerful experiences anyone can have. Not having that can be as detrimental as sex can be powerful. Oftentimes, people who have been abused avoid sex so it doesn't bring up feelings about the abuse. To heal, they have to go toward, and eventually through, whatever triggers memories of the abuse--that's where freedom is.
What can trigger a memory?
Anything--sexual positions or acts, smells, or something a lover says. When something triggers, the past rushes into the present and the person can't tell the difference between the two. For instance, they won't know the difference between their lover and their perpetrator.
How can lovers help?
Lovers often notice their partners checking out during sex. If she's staring at the ceiling, being unresponsive, it's time for a trigger plan. Couples need to heal, but shouldn't revolve their lives around the abuse.
What's the connection between desire and shame?
The women I interviewed for the book, whether they were into vanilla sex, S/M, queer or straight sex, they agreed that they felt like something was fundamentally wrong or bad about them sexually. Also, if the sex they like as adults is similar to the type of sex during the abuse, they would worry there was a connection. They were scared and ashamed.
How is the fear resolved?
Instead of focusing on specific sex acts, focus on whether there is dissociation, or checked-out sex. Some women stay outside of themselves and some tuck themselves way down inside. The worst, and the most common time to check out, is during sex. Usually a "safe" word or movement can be used as a means to stop dissociation and ultimately bring the person to the point of fulfilling, empowered sex and recovery.
What do you mean when you talk about "recovery"?
Getting your life and power back. Survivors have so much practice at suffering. Part of the healing process is getting practice at pleasure and well-being. I'm not at all into the idea that people who were abused have to be broken for the rest of their lives.
What do you think about celibacy as a recovery option?
Celibacy can be an attempt to stay away from anything that brings up feelings about abuse. If a woman can choose solo sex, partner sex, or whatever, and she chooses celibacy, that's great. But for many survivors, celibacy seems like the only safe option. Then, it's not really a choice. Many recovery books advocate celibacy. They're very prescriptive--there's always a good and bad sex list, which drives me crazy.
Is therapy necessary for recovery?
It depends. One of the most powerful things in my recovery was meeting with a group of survivors every other week. Groups break the cycle of isolation. But some people are more comfortable with one-on-one therapy.
How do you find a compatible therapist?
Ask a lot of questions. I have a list in the book--just photocopy the damn thing and take it with you. The average therapist gets two hours of sex education. Everyone who works at Good Vibrations [the woman-focused sexuality shop based in San Francisco where Haines used to work] gets 65 hours. So, it's safe to assume that a therapist hasn't had very much sex education training.
How did working at Good Vibrations help in your own healing?
I was sex-educated through incest, which is a really shitty place to learn about sex. Through that nightmare, I learned the worst ways people can use sex. At Good Vibrations, I learned the best ways people can use sex. Sex is normal and healthy, and that's recognized at Good Vibrations--nobody laughs when you say "butt plug" or "nipple clamps." It's nice to be in an environment where shame isn't attached to sex.
Back to shame again.
Exactly. The more sex education exposure you get, the more shame dissolves.
How did you come to write "The Survivor's Guide to Sex"?
At Good Vibrations, I learned that one in three girls are abused by age 18. So I knew one in three women walking through the door were survivors. Still, it wasn't being talked about amongst sex educators. I started doing sex education gigs through Good Vibrations, and conferences, and realized I was becoming a bridge between sex educators and survivors.
Tell me about your own recovery.
I went for years without crying. I would smile and say, "I'm not angry, everything's fine," but I was rageful. My dad and a number of his friends abused me, and I was just so ashamed. Because of that, when I started dating and having consensual sex, I could turn my sexual feelings on and off instantly. When I started healing, my sexuality emerged. I was like, "Whoa! What the hell is all this?" I got into somatics as a way to free myself of all that shit and find what I wanted sexually.
Tell me about somatics.
"Soma" means the living body--people are living organisms whose mind, body and emotions are one system. When we're traumatized and don't allow feelings to be felt or processed through, that tension gets caught up in the body. People can intellectually understand their abuse, and not really feel it. Somatics helps to free the stored trauma in the body.
How has your family reacted to the book?
[Laughs.] I don't think my father knows about it. My mother and sister came to the San Francisco book release party. Eight years ago my family wasn't talking to me because I told. During our family's healing, I found out my grandfather had sexually abused my mom when she was a kid. It's such an ugly and common cycle.
Is the book intended only for survivors?
A lot of non-survivors find that they completely relate to it. Recent studies show that verbal, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse have fundamentally the same impact. Great sex is a learned skill. I think that's why this book is helpful to everyone.
Any future projects cooking?
I'm still on the book tour for survivors. I'm working on another book, but don't rush me! I'll need a couple of years to write it. It's similar to the "Survivor's Guide", in that it's about sex. It deals with sex, sexuality, embodied sex, and sexual empowerment for women in general. Life is too short not to have great sex, and everyone is capable of that. I hope my work can help women to achieve healthy, fabulous sex. Wouldn't it be a great world if everyone was sexually fulfilled?
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