Written by:
Kristin Egener
Confronted Jude today after she broke plans with me on Friday night for the third time to (presumably) hang out with Melanie. Tried to be calm and collected about it; ended up howling into the telephone, of course.
"You're forcing me to be a clingy, anxious girlfriend!" I cried. "You keep saying you're going to do stuff with me, and then you don't, but you won't say why. And I just know you're doing lots of stuff with Melanie" said with scathing, what-a-revolting-name emphasis "so why don't you go be her girlfriend, instead?!"
After wrapping up this tirade, expected a typical "Fine!" "Whatever!" "I will!" "Go ahead!" "Fine!" "Fine!" repartee, which I would end by slamming down the receiver and throwing myself melodramatically onto my bed and bawling.
But instead, all I heard was a long sigh, silence, and then, "Well, I guess it was inevitable."
"What was inevitable?" My anger subsided and my heart sank. Furious breakups are a sign of lingering feeling that might, at some future date, coalesce back into love; unemotional breakups, well, aren't.
"I hoped I wouldn't have to get you involved in it, but it doesn't look like that can happen, if you're going to see things that way."
"What way?" Confused. Either she was playing around on me with Melanie, or she wasn't.
"We didn't think you'd be OK with it, or else you would be OK with it, but you'd feel pressured to join us."
I didn't say anything. Obviously my paranoid scenario was off-target in some way, and I was beginning to feel ashamed.
"See ..." Jude sighed again. Was it something really bad? "... Melanie and I like to engage in certain recreational activities ... not the kind you think," she added hastily.
"Oh!" Light began to dawn. "You mean drugs, don't you? Pot?" If they'd been trying to protect me from pot, I was prepared to feel offended. I'm no baby, and kids I knew had been smoking pot for years already.
"That, and ... other stuff."
"What, E? Shrooms?"
"Sometimes, and ... other stuff."
Frowned. Didn't think most high-school kids had access to "other stuff."
"Well coke?"
"Yeah."
"Please don't tell me you do heroin, too," I said, unable to keep accusation out of my voice. "Of all the stupid things "
"No, no, no," she said, sounding a little ashamed. "See, I knew you wouldn't like it."
"I'm not saying I'm not OK with it," I said evenly, trying to sound as matter-of-fact as I could. "How do you get this stuff, anyway? Melanie? How old is she?"
"She's 19."
Hm. Older than I'd thought. Drugs and older women things weren't looking good.
"Well, all right," I said, all businesslike. "I'm glad you were honest with me; just tell me without my having to ask next time, OK? See you later." Hung up.
Am I OK with it? Have my doubts. I mean, it's not just the fact that drugs can be really, really dangerous it's that I don't think I like the mindset that goes along with drugs. You miss a lot of fun in pursuit of an artificial good time, and it kind of implies life isn't worth living just as it is it has to be enhanced. Do I want to hang out with people who think that?
However, am feeling somewhat like a goody-goody. And left out, too!
*smooches*
Regina
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