Lipstick & Dipstick: Help! Our Sex Life Has Become a Chore
When the spark is gone do I keep trying? Or is it time to move on?
Photo by Maggie Parker
Dear Lipstick and Dipstick: I’m finding out that the average lesbian relationship in Cleveland is finished after two years or less. Why is that? What happens in the lesbian community that causes relationships to sour after such a short time? I ask because I’ve been in a relationship with Trina for two years and suddenly I’m lost, without my best friend, and virtually sex-less. Sex is a chore, and if we get around to it, it’s quick and lackluster. I remember when things were carefree, fun, exiting and new. Now it’s like scooping the litter box: boring, and you always know what to expect…the same old shit. Today, I tried to touch my girlfriend she said, “Ewwww.” We’re both 35, so neither of us wants to waste our time. Is there any hope, or should I move on to a different kitty?—Pissed Off Pussy
Lipstick: Puss, since I’ve lived many lives (I’m on No. 86 now), I can tell you this: Romantic relationships are like the ocean—they ebb and flow, with good times and bad, sex-filled and sex-less. These tidal changes aren’t exclusive to Cunnilingus Cove. They happen just as often in Breeder Bay. The big difference, however, is that with lesbians, there is no dick driving through the riptides like an icebreaker through Antarctica, no sexual intimacy to save the sinking ship. When lesbians hit choppy waters, we often head down into the galley, slide into bed alone and turn out the light. We couldn’t care less about sex. This is compounded by the fact that women’s bodies are enigmatic vessels. One moment we want the sex swing, the next we’d rather curl up and watch Oprah’s Lifeclass. The lesson here: You need to continue connecting with your girlfriend sexually, even when the sea is angry and there aren’t any fireworks. That means you’ve got to work harder, Puss, and focus on rediscovering each other!
Dipstick: Yes, there is something in the water in Cleveland that makes relationships sour after two years. It all started back when the Cuyahoga River caught fire. Can there be any other explanation as to why a charming lass such as you can’t maintain a lover’s interest? First, you equate what should be an intimate, sharing and bonding experience with a disgusting chore, and then you accuse your partner of being turned off. Besides the idea that you might lack a certain romantic charisma, here is another reason why relationships fizzle. The first year is a whirlwind of sexual attraction—you’re sneaking kisses at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and taking long getting-to-know-you walks on the shores of Lake Erie. The second year, you start to settle in to your life together, getting a cute duplex in Cleveland Heights and strolling arm and arm through the West Side Market. As the third year approaches, you begin to ask yourself if this is the girl you’re supposed to spend the rest of your life with. When you realize that answer is no, you get the heck out of Cuyahoga.
Dear Lipstick and Dipstick: What should I get my girlfriend for Valentine’s Day? She really loves chocolate, but do you have any other ideas? I’m holding off on sexy stuff because we just started dating and I don’t want to rush her into anything.—Queer Cupid
Dipstick: Lipstick, remember that lesbian-owned chocolate company we discovered on our book tour in Rochester, N.Y.?
Lipstick: Sure do. Hedonist Chocolate. I loved their lavender box.
Dipstick: You and your lavender boxes! Another good idea is some cute rainbow swag, like a bracelet or a cute dykey T-shirt.
Dipstick: Or don’t spend any money at all. Make her a mix CD of your favorite love songs—the ones that remind you of her—and bake her a batch of peanut butter cookies.
Lipstick: Love the custom playlist idea, but I’d also suggest something super-meaningful that she can carry with her every day. I recently gave my girlfriend a necklace from Pyrrha, and neither the pendant nor the smile has come off since. Their talismanic designs, handcrafted in metals and cast from 19th-century wax seals, all have meanings derived from heraldry and are rustic, fashionable and sexy. Perfect for the Lipstick or Dipstick in your life.
Dipstick: Don’t forget the lesbian-friendly jewelers Love and Pride. They’ve got a great variety of pendants, rings, bracelets and earrings.