Jillian’s Joulebody Detox
In the spirit of starting 2012 off right, Curve's associate editor takes on a detox challenge.
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I do not diet. I do not count calories. I do not feel guilty when I eat bread and then pasta, washed down with red wine and followed by tiramisu and an espresso at 10pm. I haven’t weighed myself since I was about 8 years old, after they made me do it at summer camp and I saw the way the girls would, even then, beat themselves up over the number. My mother was naturally skinny so I didn’t grow up thinking or hearing about fat and calories. I grew up in a very healthy household and was taught to eat what I want when I want it. Luckily I usually want the healthy stuff but I do have a weakness for pastries and cakes.
I’ve never done a detox and I usually scoff when my friends do them. I am vehemently against everything dieting because I hate to see the way women beat themselves up for eating food. Don’t make this feminist get on her soapbox and rant against the advertising and beauty industries. It isn’t pretty.
If I had to put myself on a team I would be an advocate for healthy lifestyle changes in lieu of dieting. But the thing I want most for women is that they love their bodies and their looks. I am always inspired by the fat-positive queer women in our community who rock their bodies and feel great about themselves regardless of which number they hit on the scale.
A (skinny!) woman I know did the pineapple detox last year. Do you know it? You eat only pineapple for days…weeks? Forever. It is supposed to cleanse your system, though she did it for weight loss before her beach vacation in Italy. After a few days her mouth was raw and blistering from the exposure to the acid. However she was very pleased about her "new" bikini body. I wanted to give her a hug and a quinoa salad.
The image of my friend's blistered mouth was very clear in my mind when I heard about Joulebody. My knee-jerk response was “not interested.” But then they explained that Joulebody is a detox where you can eat as you go. The entire cleanse is formulated for busy people who want to do a detox in the most healthy way possible. Even the packaging is green. There are brownies for dessert.
I like brownies. I told them to sign me up. This is day one of my three-day detox.
It’s time for the first juice. It is huge and green. They say you’re supposed to prepare your body the night before a detox by feeding yourself healthy foods. Last night I bought brown rice and thought I’d be having that with green tea and vegetables, but I went to trivia night with my friends and had three beers and nachos. The beer was Blue Moon though, which comes with an orange. It’s, like, healthy. Anyway, onto the juice. It’s delicious. The green color intimidated me at first but I was surprised to find it has a light, earthy taste. After I drank it I felt very healthy and not at all hungover.
I am so excited about eating it’s ridiculous. Time for the Detox Edamame Hummus. It has little carrots and radishes cut up in it and everything. When I opened the container my first thought was, I’m going to need more than this. However it was really good and refreshing. I like my hummus with a lot of lemon so I added some. Like any good lesbian, I love hummus. After a few minutes I ran out of carrots so I just ate it with a spoon, like ice cream. I ate it while drinking green tea, which is not allowed because green tea has caffeine. But my caffeine headache is too much and I have a 2pm deadline so I have to cheat just a little bit.
From 3pm to 5pm I was at a casting in midtown for a Tiny Fey movie. This isn’t a normal thing for me; a friend invited me along to audition for a part. I was looking forward to being around actors because they seem like detox people. All I want to do today is talk about my detox and talk about how much I want a pizza. The actors did not want to talk about food.
So I had two juices at the casting, one at 3pm and one at 5pm. The first one was like drinking a refreshing salad, and the second one was citrus with cayenne. I liked that one. Had a kick to it.
At 7pm I am starving again. I cheated earlier during my Trader’s Joe organic apple run and ate a Lara Bar with cherries and nuts. Obviously I have a problem following rules and governing my own impulses. Joulebody has given me spaghetti squash with pesto for dinner, which I'm trying to convince myself is pasta. It's pretty good but I am also having a salad with spinach, beets and grapefruit. No dressing. Joulebody says you can eat as many fruits and veggies as you want so this is not cheating. The brownie for dessert is awesome. It's soft and tastes like a brownie stuffed with grass. I am not complaining. As a former vegan I am used to food that tastes like it has been stuffed with grasses and foliage.
Overall, I feel good. I have energy and my mind feels sharp, but I also have a caffeine headache and an insane hunger. Also all I want to talk about it food. I am fantasizing about food. Right now I want ravioli with tomato sauce. Yummm...
Up working late. Still thinking about pasta. And a huge glass of red wine. And smelly cheese. I could take a bath in gorgonzola right now.
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