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FeedThe Sex Wars
When Lipstick and Dipstick told “Miserable in Maple Grove” [May 09 issue] that looking at lesbian porn could be part of a healthy sex life, not a dirty secret, it set off a small debate we like to call The Sex Wars Circa 2009. We recieved letters from readers falling on either side of the debate. Check out the advice in question below, and share your feelings on the subject in the comments.
Dear Lipstick and Dipstick: I feel lonely in my relationship. I’m 22-year-old femme with a 26-year-old butch partner. We got married in California in July. We’re fighting a lot lately and not having sex. She’s says she’s just not up for it. I don't know if we aren't having sex because we’re fighting or if we’re fighting because we aren't having sex. In the beginning, we had sex and it was Earth shattering. Recently, I’ve started looking at lesbian porn. I usually hate porn. My ex used to look at it and it hurt me deeply. I’d be really upset if I found out my current girlfriend was looking at porn, too. After viewing this I feel guilty and more lonely and depressed than before. Please help!—Miserable in Maple Grove
Dipstick: What I want to know is what gives with the guilt about looking at naked women? There’s nothing wrong with porn, for you, for your lover, for your mother or anyone else. As long as it doesn’t become addictive, watching porn, reading erotica, viewing x-rated movies is all good and can be part of a healthy sex life. Too often we depend on our partners to be our best friend, our confidant, a sexy lover, personal chef and co-parent to our children. No one person can meet all your needs all the time. When your lover isn’t up for cooking, you order out. When she’s not up for sex, watch porn and masturbate. Hell, watch with your partner too! And when you’re through, tie her hands with a silk scarf to the bedpost, sit on her knees and talk until she hears your concerns.
Lipstick: Did you ever see that fight scene in Mr. and Mrs. Smith when Brangelina are trying to kill each other and suddenly sex breaks out? Sounds like you guys need to trash the house just like they did. One question: Why won’t she have sex with you? You didn’t say. Maybe she’s being lazy or letting work get in the way? Or perhaps it’s something more serious like dealing with a broken-down vagina or sexual abuse issues. Find yourself a good therapist and dig into what’s keeping you at each other’s necks (you should be there with your tongue, not a razor blade). While you’re at it, see the counselor on your own to get over your issues around porn, as they’re playing into your sexual prowess, too. Shame is an awful aphrodisiac.
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Reader Comments:
I agree with the advise to sit on her until she spills the truth. Sometimes we have to work hard to save a relationship and especially a marriage. Sometimes its not easy but it will be worth it in the end. If you are talking about ending the scene, then at least you can say you gave it all you've got. Is your partner going to be able to say that? Maybe you two will be able to go get some counselling. And if you still agree to split, then the counselling will help dissolve the union peacefully.
Hi.
When you dont have any whaching porn is fine sometimes it help,s you hit that right spot.
Have A great one.
L,S
i completely agree...i dont get what the big debate is actaully over? theres nothing wrong with porn as long as its not underage stuff overcourse and if you dont get addicted...coz apparantly too much can ruin your sex life .... talking is the biggest way to solve these things..but sometimes fucking it out helps too ;)
Looking at porn can even help a bit with the tension! Once you're relaxed and no longer feeling sexually deprived, you may find it easier to talk things out with out sounding demanding. :)
i see nothing wrong about watching porn me and my gf do it all the time, well not all the time but wen we want to get really kinky. i mean porns great if you want to spice up your sex life you shouldnt feel guilty every person over the age of 15 i know has either read erotica, watched porn, or watched x rated movies. well actually most of them have done all three but thats not the point the point is that you shouldnt be ashamed its rooted deep in what we think we should be. we as women have been tought that it is wrong to watch porn and like it. i used to be that way till one of my ex gfs got a hold of me and showed me that there is nothing wrong with it unless we tell ourselves it is
What is the big deal. Porn is OK as long as you still have sex before, during or after. Sometimes it gets you in the mood faster. I think there is a little peeping Jane in all of us. As long as the Pron doesn't become your entire sex life......a little Porn never heart anyone,,, as long as you or your partnew are not in the Porn you are watching. That could bring you down or maybe in somes cases make it hotter. But Porn for Porn it's self is only opening the door to bigger, hotter and hopfuly better and longing sex. And there is NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT!!!
I agree with miserable in maple grove on some point. I get jealous too if my partner watches porn without me there. It is this inside feeling that you are being cheated on because to you or myself at least, I feel as if they are fantasizing about the women in the porn and not me anymore.
I definately agree that watching porn with your partner does relieve the sexual tension, it makes sex fun as well as kinky, mimic what the porn is doing ya know? If anything it makes it more fun. My partner and I both critique the people in the porno. It makes for a good laugh and then leads to great sex.
Talk to her. Do as the other said pin her down and don't let her up until she opens up and talks about what is really going on. It could lead to a truth that could either help or hurt but at least you got to it.
Watching porn is an excellent teaching experience, as well as, hot foreplay! I must admit, I have bought some of the toys I've seen in porn videos and my girlfriend screams with delight!
It should go without saying, though, that any underage images are strictly off limits!