The Sex Wars
When Lipstick and Dipstick told “Miserable in Maple Grove” [May 09 issue] that looking at lesbian porn could be part of a healthy sex life, not a dirty secret, it set off a small debate we like to call The Sex Wars Circa 2009. We recieved letters from readers falling on either side of the debate. Check out the advice in question below, and share your feelings on the subject in the comments.
Dear Lipstick and Dipstick: I feel lonely in my relationship. I’m 22-year-old femme with a 26-year-old butch partner. We got married in California in July. We’re fighting a lot lately and not having sex. She’s says she’s just not up for it. I don't know if we aren't having sex because we’re fighting or if we’re fighting because we aren't having sex. In the beginning, we had sex and it was Earth shattering. Recently, I’ve started looking at lesbian porn. I usually hate porn. My ex used to look at it and it hurt me deeply. I’d be really upset if I found out my current girlfriend was looking at porn, too. After viewing this I feel guilty and more lonely and depressed than before. Please help!—Miserable in Maple Grove
Dipstick: What I want to know is what gives with the guilt about looking at naked women? There’s nothing wrong with porn, for you, for your lover, for your mother or anyone else. As long as it doesn’t become addictive, watching porn, reading erotica, viewing x-rated movies is all good and can be part of a healthy sex life. Too often we depend on our partners to be our best friend, our confidant, a sexy lover, personal chef and co-parent to our children. No one person can meet all your needs all the time. When your lover isn’t up for cooking, you order out. When she’s not up for sex, watch porn and masturbate. Hell, watch with your partner too! And when you’re through, tie her hands with a silk scarf to the bedpost, sit on her knees and talk until she hears your concerns.
Lipstick: Did you ever see that fight scene in Mr. and Mrs. Smith when Brangelina are trying to kill each other and suddenly sex breaks out? Sounds like you guys need to trash the house just like they did. One question: Why won’t she have sex with you? You didn’t say. Maybe she’s being lazy or letting work get in the way? Or perhaps it’s something more serious like dealing with a broken-down vagina or sexual abuse issues. Find yourself a good therapist and dig into what’s keeping you at each other’s necks (you should be there with your tongue, not a razor blade). While you’re at it, see the counselor on your own to get over your issues around porn, as they’re playing into your sexual prowess, too. Shame is an awful aphrodisiac.