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FeedShould You Forgive Her Infidelity?
Your girl and your neighbor, a massage therapist, are going at it on the new tuck-and-roll pleather couch you two just picked-up at TJ Maxx last month on your anniversary. How could she? And why didn’t they put down a sheet, so you could take the couch with you in the divorce settlement? Now it’s all coated with slut DNA, yuck.
Infidelity in dykeland is rarely exposed in such a sudden and dramatic fashion. In real lesbian life, the discovery is usually slow, predictable and painful. It goes something like this: Your lady has been acting strange for several weeks (or months, depending on how long you two have been together). She is remote, brooding and secretive. When she does talk, it is about what you do wrong and why she is unhappy. She wants more space and more time to do things on her own. No matter how much space you give her or how many of her demands you give in to, her mood does not improve. She doesn’t want to be defined by her relationship with you anymore. She has mentioned this other woman a lot lately. In fact, the only time she seems happy is when she is talking to or about this other person. You have a sick feeling in your stomach that never goes away. You have been trying to ignore the signs for a while. One day you can’t take it anymore, so you ask her if she is having an affair.
If your girl is already deep into a relationship with the other woman—that is, they have already picked out a wedding date, they just need to convince you to give the bride away—she might cave in and confess.
But you usually have to work a lot harder for that bit of bad news. You must earn that heartbreak by crying alone for hours, getting into fruitless confrontations with her and engaging in unproductive begging. Not to mention confirming your suspicions daily with friends and relatives until they start screening their calls.
After all, your lover needs time to figure out whether she is really in love with this other woman or just wants to be away from you. And you keep distracting her with your pesky need for the truth. The cheater doesn’t want to tell you anything because she wants you on reserve, just in case she is making a mistake. And you don’t push too hard because you don’t want her to go. This stage lasts anywhere from a week to a decade.
In the end, she will leave.
Which leads me to my point: If you have a cheating lesbian on your hands, get rid of her!
Forgive her? No. I say unload her.
So, what if your girl is the one dyke in the world who really did just make a mistake and is sincere about wanting to get back into your good graces?
Forgiveness is like swing dancing: It is hard work and more people think they can do it than actually can.
Step one is to decide if forgiveness is something you really want to do. After several painful months that end in nothing but more pain, most women realize that forgiveness plays a small and insignificant role in the post-cheat drama. The fear of being alone often disguises itself as absolution.
I am not the Dyky Lama, so I am not the best person to ask about finding your way back to nirvana with a two-timing partner. Everything may happen for a reason, but you won’t find me hanging around in the Downward Facing Dog position trying to figure out why I am with a louse. If you have it in you to incorporate infidelity into your life plan, then you are a far better dyke than I am.
Forgiveness means that you have to stop thinking about what the two of them looked like having sex together. That film will play over and over in your head and no amount of gin or sudoku will be able to stop your mental projector. Even if you think you’ve gotten over it, you haven’t. You will be talking to her about the grocery list and one of those horrific scenes will pop into your head and you will instantly become angry with her. She will explain that it isn’t that important to have the whole wheat dinner rolls, but you won’t be able to stop yelling about what an inconsiderate shopper she is.
Even if you do manage to compartmentalize her indiscretions and move on, your friends will not allow it. You are going to have to explain to them that you are OK, and you’ll spend way too much time sticking up for your cheating girlfriend. You will eventually have to accept the fact that even if you forgive her, they never will, and they certainly won’t allow you to forget about it.
The worst part about forgiveness is having it rejected. What if she makes firewood out of your olive branch? Overlooking her transgressions in the hope of reconciliation is not forgiveness; it is foolishness.
Did you hear her say that she is never going to cheat again and wants to be with you forever? Or did you hear a bunch of bullcrap about her being confused and needing time to sort it out? And don’t let a few tears convince you that her dastardly ways are behind her. She could still be plotting her next act of treason while she is leaking from the eyes. She ain’t crying because she wants you back—she is crying because she got caught. And she is crying so she won’t look like the creep she is to the rest of the lesbian world. What you think of her is not nearly as important as what her next five wives will think of her. Hell yeah, there are a lot of dykes in Hollywood. There is no shortage of talented actresses in our community.
I remember one of my own episodes of dyke drama with a cheater who told me that she would try to forgive me! She went on to explain that I had created an environment where cheating was her only option. She assured me that she was doing her best.
Luckily, my self-esteem was already at an all-time low, so I couldn’t really sink any further.
But your two-timing woman is different. She is sorry and she does want to stay together and she isn’t just acting the part to get away with another crime of passion.
If you just know that she is sincere and think you have the stomach and the energy for the relationship to continue, then you are going to have to set some new boundaries and guard them like a breakaway Soviet republic.
Women who have made a “mistake” know that there is no such thing as privacy for a long time. They will not need alone time, or extra screen names with secret passwords. One-time cheaters who want to be forgiven don’t erase text messages or call logs. Women who want to save their marriage don’t need to have private conversations with the women they have slept with behind your back. This one really kills me. The number of doormat dykes who allow their cheating wives to “meet” with their mistresses to “explain” things to them ought to be zero. Funny, the tramp didn’t make time for your wife to explain anything to you while they were rolling around behind your back? Are you, the victim, supposed to feel sorry for the poor woman who slept with your girlfriend? The fact that you let her walk the earth with a full head of hair should be consolation enough.
The gal who made a stupid mistake and will do anything to make it right knows that her life will be an open book for years to come. She will not be trusted to so much as pee on her own for generations. And she won’t complain about it either.
Like I said before, forgiveness is hard work…for both parties.
Maybe it is best to forget about forgiveness and move on to vengeance. Maybe have a little fling of your own. But in my experience, retaliation sex is only slightly better than rebound sex and not worth forfeiting your position of righteous indignation over.
Chucking a two-timing girlfriend right after you discover her misdeed really is for the best. We lesbians don’t do well with infidelity. I don’t know why it is such a big deal to us—it just is. I couldn’t tell you why women sleep with other women to get out of relationships—they just do. Should you need more encouragement to make the break, remember that the sooner you get rid of her as a lover, the sooner you can have her for a best friend.
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Reader Comments:
Dump that 'ho.
It's as simple as that. I believe in forgiveness, so yeah, go ahead and forgive 'er, but for purely selfish reasons: because you need to make a conscious effort to STOP talking about it and having it go on and on in your mind. But this doesn't mean she should be able to have you back as if nothing happened. No. She wasn't needing forgiveness while she was flirting/courting/planning/plotting with the other woman. The only thing she was probably thinking about where you're concerned is, how to make sure you don't bother/catch her while she gets her groove on, so there is no respect there.
I'll say it again: She does NOT respect you. It won't be easy, but you'll feel a lot better in time if you just dump the 'ho and move on.
I guess as the partner in my relationship that is monogomous makes this a post that most on here will not want to read.
I'm monogomous...
She's not
I won't lie and say I love that, but I hate lies and I hate that people, especially us lesbians can't seem to see the difference between sex... and love. And yes... dear women there is a difference! And that doesn't only apply to you when you are cheating. It applies to your gf and your best friend.
I have been with my partner for over 6 years, and believe me my self esteem is just fine... and by that I mean I'm quite the catch and you would be lucky to have me... lol... ok that was more conceited then I planned. But instead of losing days and weeks and months to the lieing and hiding and sneaking around that goes with cheating. I know about it. I know who the person is and I know when she's going to see her. She goes and comes home in a few hours and we go on our merry way. Cause the love and relationship that we've built is not worth losing over an indescreation that last only a few hours. Call me wife #1. I get the life, the family, the love and they get.. what... they get off. I'm not saying her extra curricular activites happed every day... its at most one or twice a year. But by taking out that part that could kill us, we have been together longer and live happier then any of the couples that I know. Well, any that are still together that is.
I am monogomous....
She is not....
and we live happily ever after.
I'm going through "Should I forgive her infidelity" at the moment. And everything that Ms Fisher stated was on point. I have gone through the full gamut of the breakup scenarios that she talked about. My girlfriend has said all the things Ms Fisher wrote.
I have even tried to do what "I am monogomous" is doing but realize that I dont want part of a relationship, I want the whole thing and for me, I like sex and want my partner to have it with me only. If not, lets move on. But my partner needs the validation of someone finding her attractive and both times *yes, that I know of* she followed through when someone else ALSO made her feel that way. Then she will tell me that I am the best lover, friend, girlfriend, partner she ever had and feels lucky to have been with me in the first place. There is the string around my neck - I do know that it feels good to me to hear this from her - or it did before. And, to add to the gravel in the road, we own a ton of "ish" together including a house.
She was going to buy a house - with my help - and move on. We planned to stay friends. But she has kids that ran up some bills for her (these are adult children) and I know she became scared that she couldnt make it on her own. She decided that she wants to work it out with me and told the most recent girl that she cant talk to her anymore. We own a house together and she wont look for a house anymore so that I can assume our house loan and finally reach peace.
Now what.
"Please miss can I have some more..."
My first love has been my only love. As I write this tears come to my eyes. It has been years of pain. My heart "she" kept telling me Always & Forever, silly me I believed her.
She not only stepped out on me, but with the most ugliest person in town. Not only ugly
but the town lush. No I am not just speaking fron a broken heart but truthful. She finally
moved back to the city we both lived in @ first. She kept calling me, after I had left her.
I actually gave her a second chance because she said it was drugs she had been after.
I believed this because that woman was and is truly ugly. You would have had to been on drugs to lay next to that. Well guess what as the song says "here we go again". And again I left. I want to say not looking back, but I can't say that. As I mentioned she was is and will always be the love of my life. But you know what, I think quite highly of myself.
Hopefully one day I will meet a 5'9 plus butch, with broad shoulders, soft brown eyes
that will make me scream........
i never new that this kind of magizine exsited! this is cool. I'm a lesbian myselft and i'm dating a girl for over a year noe. Her name is desiree and i love her very much!!! i wonder if she knows about this magizine. LOL
So what if she cheated because she suspected you were cheating? And what if she was right but she has no proof? And what if you end up forgiving her only because you feel guilty for cheating and being really good at covering it up?
It sounds way worse now that I read it. I'm the one to blame and I'm playing the victim! Ugh.. I suck at life
"Please miss may I have some MORE?" BEAUTIFULLY stated. Very compassionate perspective on a initially heart wrenching, and then disillusioning, and finally... reality creating experience.
Help her help herself... If she has other family, tell her to go there until she can show you the respect you demand. Take care of yourself, date some other women, or go out and look for some while focusing on your selfish wants without her involved at all.
Even if she has no where else to go, and has to stay with you.... tell her that is fine, as long as it is amicable, and she doesn't hassle you with bullshit. If she has something real, inspirational, visionary, etc., to show you, that will snap you into finally believing the way you did when things were ideal... BRING IT. By all means let her bend time and space if that is what you truly deserve. Only you can decide what you will allow, regardless of whether you love every fiber of her existence, or not.
If you are worth it enough for her to respect you, and treat you the way you want to be treated... she'll show you the way YOU need to be shown and stop the reindeer games. Don't settle- if she can't play ball before you find other women to sleep with or a better woman to love.... then say: "happy trails.... we are friends, but the benefits have moved on."
ArtByAir
"....sooner you get rid of her as a lover, the sooner you can have her for a best friend."
!! ahhhh!! this kills me. I am in love with my girlfriend, but the ex-"best friend" keeps texting my woman. We have talked about it and I know she loves me, but it makes me feel so uncomfortable to have her ex texting her everytime something reminds her of my girlfriend. Especially considering I have completely cut ties with my former exes.
Am I supposed to just accept the lesbian cliche or is there something I can do/say?
---confused lezzy
I have always had a no gray area policy with cheating - I mean, it's not worth it - we are ALL worth more than that ...
The advice for this particular scenario makes some sense to me. Humans, by nature, are not monogamous. I've held tight to a monogamy rule for decades - until 4 years ago, that was serial monogamy - an exclusive girlfriend until we broke up. Now, I've been in a completely monogamous relationship for over 4 years. There is something about long-term monogamy, though, that seems like fighting with nature. I've read a lot about comparative sex behaviors among various animals, and we are built for polygamy, men more so, but women, too. What if the situation were different, and one of the partners physically craved "new sex?" (If you have a high sex drive, you know what that's like.) She truly loves her partner, and isn't looking for another one. She imposes rules about how often she can cheat or how many times with the same person. I know that there is the possibility of those rules getting lost in lust, but some partners (gay men more than lesbians) have agreements like this. The problem in this situation is that the cheating partner would never ask for this arrangement because she believes the other would be devastated, and it would irreparably harm the relationship. The urge for new or different sex only gets stronger, and she knows it won't go away. Should she act on it? I think this situation plagues many, many people, gay and straight. I'm asking the question from a level of true curiosity and compassion for the human condition, so I'd love to read some thoughtful answers.