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FeedHow to Stay Friends With Your Ex
It may take serious work, but becoming friends with your ex can be achieved, if you really, really, really want to.
Step 1: Face the music.
Get the 411 on your situation. Is it really over between you? A few telltale signs that your ex is not really your ex:
- You’re still having sex
- You’re still living together
- Her razor is still in your shower
- She meets up with you on your dates
- You’ve still got your photos of her on display
Step 2: Make a clean break.
Let’s go back a moment. You’ve already gone through the agony of breaking up—now rip off the Band-Aid. Yes, it’s going to hurt. Yes, this person is and was your best friend. Yes, maybe this person is in a lot of pain and you want to be there for her. Guess what? You can’t make it better. Trudge around with your ex to get your mutual needs met and you will reek of baggage. It sounds terribly unromantic but, sadly, you can live without this person, and you’ve got to try. Otherwise, neither of you will really move on. You have to take a break from all things ex—coffee shops, bars, even mutual friends. If you want to be “real” friends, then consider walking through the fire and saying a sincere goodbye, in the interest of the future.
Step 3: Resist drama.
Step 4: Resist drama.
Step 5: Resist drama.
Step 6: Get your own life.
It’s rough sometimes—but in some cases it’s a breeze. Either way, you’ve got to get into your own single life. Give yourself time: Mourn, draw, jerk off 10 times a day, whatever. When you finally get into the swing of things, it’s fun to get your groove on. You’ll lose weight (or gain it back); you’ll think about having sex with other people; you’ll do your own thing. Yes, it’s kind of fantastic. Or yes, it’s really rough. If it stays rough, stay at Step 6 until it is fantastic.
Step 7: Redefine your relationship.
You’re finally ready to talk again? Great. Try it over coffee or in an email, nothing crazy. Step 7 requires exercising self-restraint and minding your manners. Do not ask if your ex is dating other people. Stick to, “How are you? How’s work? How’s your family?” Keep it short. The goal in these interactions is to get in and out without bleeding all over anyone, including yourself. See how much you can handle and let the friendship grow from there. You can go through Step 7 for a month. You can go through it for a year. Let it breathe.
Step 8: Resist drama.
Right about now is when you might want to mix it up—don’t. Mix things up and you’ll end up back at Step 2. Your ex is not your new singlehood coach. In fact, your ex is not your new anything. Fight the urge to revert back to comfortable codependency. If you’re still feeling funky, then let it breathe a little more. You’ve come this far already—you really can do this.
Caveat: Beware a re-emergence of the “issues.”
Now that you have had some distance, it’s OK if someone wants to rehash something or get an old resentment out of the way. The idea is that you are now ready, with distance, to hear it. The key word is “hear”: If you want to get through this, you will have to shut up and listen. Yes, she may be talking about how awful you were. Strangely, there’s not always a reason to defend yourself. This is an important point in working toward your friendship—getting honest.
Step 9. Stick to the boundaries.
Ladies, once you’ve become friends, resist the temptation to act the way you might have in the past. This means no texting “I really wanted to kiss you,” or “You look really amazing” after you hang out. Put your phone in your pocket and go boldly down the street and into the unknown—you do not own your ex-lover anymore and it’s going to be OK.
Step 10. Know that one day you’ll meet your ex’s new lover.
Don’t mess this up. Don’t talk about when you and your ex were tog-ether. Act like a normal person who has a life, and acknowledge your ex and her lover as a couple. Be happy you’re in each other’s lives—isn’t that why you wanted to be friends with your ex in the first place?
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Reader Comments:
I've recently broken up with my girlfriend. I know it was the right thing for me but I'm still having a difficult time of it. You see she was my first and the few lesbians I've met were through her so I'm feeling excruciatingly alone. I also live in a very conservative town so it's not likely that I am going to meet anyone anytime soon. Even though she keeps texting me about "how much she loves me" and "how great I looked the last time she saw me", I hear she's already picked up a few of her old "fuck buddies" - we've been broken up for 4 weeks. See I'm having a hard time understanding that ex's can truly be friends because all of hers are always available to her when she gets "lonely". I don't understand this concept since I'm not in the habit of being intimate like that with me friends.
Can anyone give me some advise on how to get through Step 2?
Confused
your ex is playing games - the typical "have her cake & eat it too". Clearly she's not ready to let you go, but not comitted enough to make it work. You are FAR MORE VALUABLE THAN THAT!
If she was your first, then you are in a prime spot - go out, explore, find yourself. Believe me, there are a million women out there who will be attracted to a great woman who's taking care and loving herself and fleshing her life out. If not in your town , then elsewhere - chatlines and websites do a lot to chase away the lonlies, and who knows? Do a couple of weekend trips in bigger towns and you never know what adventures will present themselves.
I know it doesn't seem like it now. But things DO get better. The key is taking care of you. Ask yourself this - what would be the hottest chick I'D like to go out with? Then work on becoming her. By the time you're done they'll be beating them off with a stick! Oh, and if one of them happens to be you ex, tell her to tell it to her f**k buddy - you're far too busy!
Good luck
I'm going thru something similar. Me and my gf broke up yesterday. She was out of state staying with me for a week. This morning at breakfast she let it slip to me and my mother that she had put a large down payment on an engagement ring two weeks ago. She was my best friend...and we decided to go for a clean break...and its so hard. She's been thru hell and I've been thru hell and it seems we were the only ppl there for eachother. This is so sucky, but it'll be ok. Hopefully we can become friends later in life. Right now, its too easy to get caught up in old patterns and abandon boundaries. We need to move on...just stop all contact. Facebook/myspace, phone, email, texting...all of it. stop...delete...block if you need to and move on. Reclaim your life.
Step 2? Try this:
Think about all the things you wish you could've done with your ex that she didn't like or for whatever reason you couldn't, then start doing them, one by one. Make a list and cross them off as you go.
Buy up some books you always wanted to read, color your hair some color she hated and yes, get that tattoo you always dreamed of (UNLESS IT HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH HER!!!!!).
Take an after hours class, baking, knitting, beading, take your pick)
Turn off your ringer - check your messages a few times a day , oh, and here's my favorite:
change her name in your phone to something absolute, like " No f**king way" , "Pain & Suffering" or DON"T ANSWER".
Check in with some of your old friends - you'd be supprized who still may be there for you.
Google any & everything you've wanted to know. Time consuming and informative.
Think YOU YOU YOU for once - no time better than when you're single.
I broke up with my girl almost 10 months now, Im still not able to move on becuase I love her very much. while I was with her, I was dealing with a lot of issues myself and I put my frustration into my relationship and on her shoulders. Now she does not talk to me because she thinks that I am a bad person; also her family is against me. What should I do if a mutual friend told me that as much I am suffering she is as well?
I think we are in the same boat with the ex.....still loving and can't stop. It is hard, there are times when I think it could still work out but I know that it really can't. Maybe sometimes people could be so hard headed. Family sucks, they interfere and might skew a decission. My family was against my ex and i never did anything to make my decision but it feels horrible when all you want is for both to get along. she made her decision i made mine, now we have to live with our consequences
Great suggestions, Jen! I've observed that we women seem to have the hardest time resisting the drama and setting the boundaries. But we can do both, with enough support. Problem is - most of us don't get enough of the right kind and amount of support.
If there's one piece of advice I always give my clients - get support you will lean on. If you feel judged by someone they are not the one to ask for support. You want someone who fits your style of what you need to stick to your truth.
i just went through a horrible break up. i tried to remain cool but i couldn't. i still care for her but also think she is so unhealthy. i don't think i could ever talk to her again. she did not treat me well and had a serious alcohol problem. is it ok to never want to talk to someone again? if so, why does it hurt.
This is a great article. I think far too often lesbians think we can just roll right from an intimate relationship to friendship without taking a break. Perhaps this is because our intimate relationships do have such an aspect of friendship in them. But, if as a lesbian you challenge this view, you are often looked at as some kind of uncaring person, or demanding, insecure loser depending on your role in things.
My role is as the new GF, and I was just dumped, again (I think), because I challenged the fact that the woman I am trying to date always calls her ex, whom she lives next door to. We had dated before, right after they broke up (my first mistake), and I was dumped the first time when she decided to go back with the ex. Then she came back to me, but I began to think that nothing has changed, and when I raised this as an issue I was basically told that how I feel doesn't matter, and then frozen from communication.
Anyway, this is a very helpful article, that I hope a lot of people will read. It is not nice or very loving to anyone, including ourselves, to try and date when you are still hung up on an ex, and can't keep good boundaries. Yes, friendship is nice, but what are the motives? - hanging on and keeping people around as back-up plans is cruel.
I broke up with my ex in Jan 09 (she dumped me) and this advice is spot on. I tried the friends thing right after the breakup (at her pushing) but couldn't do it....she also told me last week that she is now seeing someone.....double can't do it! I'm stepping back, trying to get on with my own life and hopefully down the line we can be friends....I really do miss that aspect of our relantionship.