Bun in the Oven
Should a pregnant lesbian tell her husband she's gay?
Photo: Maggie Parker
Dear Lipstick and Dipstick: I am a married 35-year-old woman and I’m as gay as they get. Long story short: I tried to be straight. I got married and then got pregnant and now, here I am, ready to pop. I love my husband with all my heart and could never imagine my life without him. He’s always there for me, but when it comes to sex and intimacy, that’s where it ends. What should I do? — Prego Peggy in Pasadena
Dipstick: You’re pregnant? E-ouch.
Lipstick: I hear it really hurts.
Get an epidural and then ask for a prescription for Xanax to help you deal with all of this afterward.
Dipstick: Coming out right after you’ve had a baby isn’t great timing, but it’s not the worst we’ve heard. It’s a good thing you can’t imagine life without your husband, because no matter where the rest of your relationship goes, you two are now tied together for life. What you need to do, once you recover, and in between feedings and changing diapers, is to come up with a plan. Leave him and take the baby? Stay married, but work out an arrangement to see women on the side? No matter what you do, find a good coming out support group and a therapist. You’re going to need both!
Lipstick: You’re right, Dip—if ever there was a couple who needed therapy, these two are poster children. Prego pants, set a good example for your kid, even though she or he is young, by confessing everything to your husband (maybe wait until your hormones have balanced out). Right now, he is your life partner and honesty is the only way to go. (Be prepared: Even though he probably already suspects you want a slice of pie, he may well freak out, especially since you just had a child.) Then deal with the fallout. It won’t be easy, but living with this angst is harder, trust me. Be brave, forgive yourself and believe in who you are.
Dear Lipstick and Dipstick: Why does it seem like everyone in the lesbian community hates butch lesbians? Today, I had four people tell me: “If I wanted to date a man, I would.” I was shocked. I’m 100 percent woman. Just ask my exes! One of these people actually told me I disgust her. What’s up with the hate? — Beat Up Butch
Lipstick: OK, calm down there, lil’ butchie. No need to get your men’s briefs in a bunch. Believe it or not, there’s actually no “let’s destroy the butches” conspiracy going on, and what’s happening is that you’ve recently run into some serious ass-holes. Have your chakras cleansed and give the world and its people another chance.
Dipstick: Lipstick, you have no idea what you’re talking about. While I do receive letters of undying devotion from would-be suitors on a regular basis, it’s the butch hate-mail I get that sticks to the sides of my heart. These are some that I’ve actually received: “What’s the use of having left a man to be with a bunch of women who look, act and smell like men?” And: “You know what would be great? If all butches were shipped to a deserted island. That would be awesome! You could have flannel parties and play softball with your dildos.”
Even though that island sounds like a lot of fun, comments like that really sting. As tough as we butches look on the outside, most of us are really tender on the inside. If you’re not attracted to butches, that’s fine, but why must people be so mean? Even though I know the haters are just insecure with their own identity, their venom is poisonous, especially to the young studs just coming out. It’s time for our whole community to rise in support of the beautiful butches out there.
Lipstick: Jeez, Dip. I had no idea. Next time you get one of these emails, forward it to me. Those spineless haters will have no chance when I open up Lipstick’s can of whoop ass.
Dear Lipstick and Dipstick: I’m in a relationship with a woman, Annie, who lives hundreds of miles away. I’m currently a student and Annie is in the military. We’ve always been faithful to each other. Hell, I even stayed with her through her six-month deployment to Iraq. Recently, she found an Internet social networking site (she told me it was initially for laughs), and found a girl’s entry that interested her. She emailed her after I told her it was OK. They finally met for coffee with some of our friends.
Since then, she’s told me what’s going on with this girl and I’m trying to be as supportive as I can, since she’s had trouble finding friends and having fun since she got back from Baghdad. But I’m worried and feeling lousy because I don’t feel like I’m good enough for her. I’m afraid she wants to be with this woman. She insists that I’m the one she loves. Should I take a hard-line stance on this other girl? Or should I continue with my supportive attitude? — Angst-ridden in Albuquerque
Lipstick: [Sniff, sniff] Dip, do you smell that? It’s a skunk.
Dipstick: Yes, I smell a skunk, but it’s not Annie, it’s Albuquerque. What do you mean, “I even stayed with her through her six-month deployment to Iraq.” You think you deserve a medal for that? That’s what girlfriends do. And they let their partners make friends and pursue interests of their own. Especially when they’re not around. Long-distance relationships are hard. But if they’re based on anything, it’s trust and communication. She’s not hiding anything from you. She’s being totally upfront about this new friend. I say you need to relax and let Annie enjoy her new friendship.
Lipstick: You’re too trusting, Dipstick. I don’t like what I’m hearing. What you need to do is listen to your intuition, Albuquerque. If the red alert is still going off, then I think it’s time for a surprise visit. But even if you decide it’s innocent enough, your bigger problem is that you don’t feel worthy of her love.
Dr. Wayne W. Dyer once said, “You are always a valuable, worthwhile human being—not because anybody says so, not because you’re successful, not because you make a lot of money—but because you decide to believe it and for no other reason.” You’ve got to get some self-worth, New Mexico, and then you’ll stop worrying about losing your girl because you’ll realize what an amazing catch you are.
Dear Lipstick and Dipstick: I believe I have fallen mistakenly into a lesbo pitfall. I’m a 30-year-old Asian American postal worker living in Omaha, Neb. My girlfriend, who I’ve been off and on with for three years, is driving me crazy.
We’re so fundamentally different that we almost kill each other sometimes. She had a substance abuse problem when we met, and I believe she has kicked the habit. She has control issues but works hard to get over them. I need my space and don’t like being caged. We’ve tried to be friends, but of course, ended up with benefits, which led to her wanting “us” back. I’m kind of noncommittal at this point, but she wants to possess me. I try to be strong, but when she kisses me I still melt and cave in. So, my question is, if you have the intense passion we have and keep working on it, is there any hope? Or will one of us go insane or commit murder? — Perplexed Pussyhead
Lipstick: Uh, the fact that you used the word “murder” is alarming! I assume you meant it in jest, but Christ, the usage alone is horrendously telling. You need to get out of her codependent claws, even if you’re heartbroken about it (and you will be for a while). And if it’s really that lethal, you need to get very far away, like, move to another state. Just because you firecrackers combust when you touch doesn’t mean it’s healthy or worth saving; the contrary in this sitch, I’m afraid. The toxicity could be lethal and it may, God forbid, trigger violence. Put away your freshly sharpened saber, the Chinese throwing stars and the nunchucks and lose the chick.
Dipstick: I know exactly what this is about: the hot sex. Reminds me of one of my early lovers. We too had a passionate night in Omaha. We were on a cross-country trip and had a big fight a few hours earlier in Lincoln. Fought again in Des Moines and had great sex in Davenport. Finally broke up in Chicago and I had to hitch the rest of the way to the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival. But my point is: fire is fire, whether it’s fighting or fucking. My guess is your dysfunction has to do with her addictions. If you really want to make things work with this girl, get to an AA meeting and learn the things you can and can’t change. You’ll decide for yourself whether or not you can make this into a healthy relationship.