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FeedCalling All Femmes
Dear Lipstick and Dipstick: I’m 16 and only attracted to feminine women. Where is the best place to meet femmes? And if a butch asks me out, how can I just say no? — Focused on Fondling Femmes
Lipstick: Focused fondler some of us are only attracted to lipsticks. Your heart is its own connoisseur, so stop worrying about that. As far as how to meet femmes, I’ve got two bits of advice. First, if it’s safe for you to do so, make sure you’re out and proud. If people don’t know you’re gay, then how can the hot femmes find you? Second, pick up a tennis racquet and join the tennis team, as it’s loaded with budding lipsticks. When you hit the road for your first away game, make sure you take some bait, so there’s no guessing which players are looking for a love match. Bring the new Tegan and Sara CD, a copy of CURVE and some hummus. Pay attention to who dips the chips. All dykes love hummus—right, Dipstick?
Dipstick: That’s right. The three things you always see at a lesbian party are dogs, an ex-girlfriend and hummus. FFF, I’ll tell ya where to meet the femmes—the same places I met them when I was your age: the cheerleading squad, the swim team and the debate club. Beyond those spots, you’ve got a few places I didn’t have, like gay-straight alliances and queer youth groups. Online chat with other teens on youth-safe sites, like the forum Gayteens.About.com. Finally, as for turning down butches, just be polite—tell them you’re flattered but just want to be friends. Later, ask them if they know any cute femmes who are single.
Dear Lipstick and Dipstick: I have been with my partner for six years. I love her very much. The problem is that when we got together she was with another woman, who she stayed with for another two years. For a while, we all tried to be together in one relationship, and it was a total mess. The first girlfriend finally left and it’s just been us for four years—and we’re having major trust issues. Every time we fight, I feel like it would be easier to start over. I used to think this was forever love, but now I’m not so sure. I was too young when we got together. I want to explore and play. I need to figure out what I want. My friends don’t like her so they are no help. I need someone else’s advice. — Toxic in Toronto
Dipstick: Toxic, I see my young self in your situation. I, too, was involved with someone I thought I would be with forever. But one year in, she decided she wanted to open the relationship up—and date our roommate. When I tried to tell her my heart couldn’t handle it, she said if I was a true feminist and secure in my own self, their screaming orgasms from the next room wouldn’t bother me. She suggested that I should be delighted at their newfound joy. What a bunch of crap. When I complained about the situation to my friends, they gave me the advice I’m about to give you: Either stand up for yourself or get out. There’s a reason your friends don’t like her. It’s because she treats you like shit. I say, ask their advice and heed it. They’ve got your best interest at heart.
Lipstick: Sometimes people just need their asses kicked. I’m wearing my cowboy boots today, Toxic, so watch out. You’re having major trust issues? Well, what a surprise. Wake up and get the hell out of this mess. You’ve already made your decision. Reread your letter: “I was too young when we got together. I want to explore and play.” Um, hello? Where’s the confusion in that? You just need to get a backbone. Go home, grab your things and quit wallowing. Break up with her and get on with your life. You’ve got a lot of growing and living to do, so start today.
Dear Lipstick and Dipstick: My problem is my boss. He believes he’s God’s gift to women and he’s a total know-it-all, so he thinks he can “turn” me back to being straight. He will not leave me alone. He knows I’m with a woman and that I love her, and I’m just sick of hearing his BS about how being gay is some kind of choice. I can’t afford to quit my job, and I am really good at what I do, but I’ve gotten to the point where I can’t take it anymore. — Boiling Over in Biloxi
Dipstick: I’m boiling, too! The prick. While I can sit here and fantasize about taking his jewels out with a blow dart, what you’ve got to deal with is a bona fide case of sexual harassment. You need to start documenting all the things he has said to you. If they’re in an email or voice message, save them. Take notes and keep evidence. And then march yourself right up to human resources and don’t leave until a complaint has been filed. You may even want to talk with a lawyer first to get a bit of advice. This is serious and I hope you nail his ass to the wall and get him fired.
Lipstick: Or you can turn this around—if you can’t beat the truth into him, why not beat up on his ego? Threaten a lawsuit and then tell him it’s because of chauvinistic assholes like him that you’re gay. But be careful—in Mississippi, he can fire you for being a lesbian. Like Dip said, keep a paper trail at home. If our government won’t protect us, we’ve got to take it upon ourselves.
These advice gurus are the authors of Lipstick & Dipstick’s Essential Guide to Lesbian Relationships. Submit a question or read their blog.
Do you like what you read? Subscribe to Curve Magazine »
Reader Comments:
I read Lip & Dip's "Essential Guide to Lesbian Relationships" and thought it rocked! Great advice sisters... thank you!
Dear Lipstick and Dipstick:
About 2 months ago, my girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me again. I know, I know, you're probably thinking, "Omg how many times did you break up and get back together?" 3 to be exact. Maybe I'm just a fool, but I loved her a lot and I wanted to be with her. She told me she wasn't "sexually attracted to me anymore", which I think is a load of bullshit.
I'm feeling really angry and confused about everything, plus she expect me to be all friendly and act like nothing happened. Its hard to move on when I have all these mixed emotions about everything that has happened.
Dear Lipstick and Dipstick,
I believe I have fallen mistakenly into a lesbo pitfall. I blame first first gf (wasn't it her job to give me the handbook). So I have been off and on with a girl for 3 years. We are very passionate, we look good together, we feel good together, their is crazy chemistry. However, we are so different it's almost impossible to not kill each other. She had a substance abuse problem when we met (I was unaware), I believe she has kicked the habit (but how can you be sure?), she has some control issues (but she has worked hard to get over them), we argue over everything(you should see us try to pick a restaurant to eat at), I am a very freedom loving sagitarius (I demand my space, if I don't have it, I am impossible to get along with). I don't know if that is all our problems, but maybe you get the idea. So, most of our friends don't think we should be together, because they hear us bitch about each other so much. But, we keep ending up together. Wherever I go, she is there, we have tried to be friends (ended up with benefits, which led to her wanting "us" back). I am kinda noncommital at this point, she says she could be but her (cancer) self wants to posses me. She drives me crazy, but when she kisses me I still melt and cave in. So, if you have that passion to keep trying until one or the other of you go crazy or commit murder or do you, run and hide from each other and pray somehow you will be attracted to someone else?
Help, confused sagitarius.
Thanks for posting comments and quesions here! Keep them coming. Dipstick and I will check in often and save all your questions for consideration for our column in Curve Magazine.
Be sure to check out our blog at: http://lipstickdipstick.blogspot.com/
Dear Lipstick and Dipstick,
Im 23 and my partner is 33. We have been together a year. I have only been out about 2 yrs, and when I say Im out I mean it. Im out at work, school and in our East Tennessee community (scary, I know). My partner is a different story. She thinks shes out. But the only people who know are our very close friends. Her parents, and the people she works with do not know who she is. She is a school teacher and has a second job. I get why she doesnt come out at her school but she is not out at the other, a retail job. We had a discussion about this a while ago. Im always "the roommate", whether its to her mom or a repair man coming into the house that we bought together! Not that everyone has to know, but how will she ever be able to come out to her parents if she cant even let the plumber know that her partner, not the roommate, will give him the check?!. What does it matter if someone like that knows, she may never see him again. When I asked her this she said 'well if I will never see this person then why does it matter if they know.' My reply was "it matters to me!" And it does. I hate being the roommate. Its like Im not important. I also have to 'move out' when her family comes to town. I move into a seperate bedroom and bathroom. I do this because I love her more than anything and I realize how hard it is to come out. I plan on proposing to her on our 2yr anniversary but want to know if there is anything I can do or say to get things to change. Any advice?
Feeling Erased in Tennessee
dear lip and dip,
i love your column, so does my gf. i'm lipstick, she's dipstick. i'm writing because of our sex life, or lack there of. we've only been together for 3 months, but we really haven't seemed to "get it" yet. i love her company, sense of humor, dedication to her career and family, there is lots to love, and she treats me like a queen. I just feel like "where's the hot lesbian sex we're supposed to be having?" personally, i've never been that sexually needy and she states the same, and we do touch, cuddle, kiss and talk constantly. i'm thinking this is normal for us but because my ex-gf was such a horndog, i guess i thought that was normal. what do you think?
Dear Lipstick and Dipstick,
I have, I believe, offended someone I had been getting to know on the Curve Personal Site. Someone I was really getting to really like. I took an ironic situation and made a big deal of it, probably making her feel awful. (Now i will say it was only after reading Lipstick's advice on how to use the site- no blame there though). I over reacted to an ironic situation, which at the time seemed REALLY ironic. I introduced drama to a non drama girl and feel like an ass, I distrusted her and didn't even take the time to listen to her explanation. So besides being a really distrusting asshole, I am wondering if an apology is even good enough for her. So, Lipstick and Dipstick "pretend you know her" did I really fuck up beyond belief. If i did, which is understandable, can one of you send a cosmic message to say I am sorry.
signed: 3 photos out of a 4 photo minimum
To the person being harassed at work - absolutely consult a lawyer on this, but, as advised by the columnist here, also start to document EVERY comment from your boss/supervisor relative to your sexuality, NONE of which is ANY of his business in ANY way. Also, try not to ENGAGE with him on these comments, you do not owe him ANY explanations or responses relative to his comments about your PERSONAL life.If he raises a comment relative to your personal life, raise a work related issue in response, if he persists, firmly tell him that your personal life is none of his business and has no relationship to your job performance and that if he persists in raising personal issues with you that you intend to file a complaint with the human resources office at your place of work and, if necessary, consult a lawyer.It is time to DRAW A LINE IN THE SAND with this person. Unfortunately it sounds like he has been getting away with this for too long.If he reacts badly to your setting this boundary with him, it is time to immediately file a complaint with the human resources department in which you need to be very very detailed as to EVERY incident you can recall of his commentary on your personal life and sexuality and especially his commentary suggesting that he could change your sexuality.THIS IS A CLEAR CASE OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT IN THE WORK PLACE AND EVEN IF HE SUPPOSEDLY CAN FIRE YOU BECAUSE OF YOUR SEXUALITY WITHOUT YOUR HAVING ANY RECOURSE (WHICH I SERIOUSLY DOUBT IS THE CASE) A FIRING HERE COULD IN ANY EVENT BE VIEWED AS A RETALIATORY FIRING FOR YOUR COMPLAINT OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT. HE - AND THE FIRM HE WORKS FOR - CAN CERTAINLY FACE FINANCIAL REPERCUSSIONS FOR THAT.There is no need to comment on how pathetic this man is, but you do need to be strong and to begin taking steps immediately to protect yourself. If it were me, this is what I would do.Have no doubt that the behavior he is engaging in is in violation of the law and that you have grounds to sue him and the firm.
Dear Lipstick & Dipstick,
My partner and I have been together for 11 years. We had a civil union ceremony in Vermont a little over a year ago. We have a lot of history!
The issue I am having now is the fact that I quit drinking about a month ago. I have drank most of my life and have made many "bad" choices while doing so and am wondering if my choice of partners was one of them. We used to get along and I believe we were in love but I am now realizing that it was because I was drunk most of the time and she was just ignoring me. She is quite passive agressive and can be very cruel. There were more times than I care to remember, she would start an argument and say the most hateful things. She would apologize in the morning and rely on the fact that I was drunk and would not remember everything but I remember enough to know that she used my drinking to be mean. I will admit that I was not always the best partner but I did not run around, sit in bars, or cheat on her.
Dispite the alcohol abuse, I have managed to become a productive and intelligent person and I am finally able to see all of this "meanness" clearly. I am concerned that if I start to "let go" of the relatonship, I am in trouble. I stand to lose alot. I know this will not be pretty and she is going to be vendictive. I do not want to hurt her and I am wondering if I am making a mistake. I am so confused as to what is really happening or will happen. I could just use some advise.
ok.. so.. i met this woman on myspace 2 yrs ago, fell in love with her, she is from far away.. we talk on the phone everyday, fall asleep together on the phone, we talk about the future, having kids, living together, etc... my friends kept making fun of me saying i was living a fantasy and should start dating "real" girls locally soo... stupid me.. went out dating... met someone.. after lying to this girl from far away.. i told her the truth, broke her heart.. didnt speak to her for a month.. while dating this other girl.. issues here and there we broke up.. and i decided to fly to meet her.. came back told this girl about the far away girl.. and now i broke two girls heart.. and i was confused as hell.. broke up with local chick.. and started again with far away girl.. went to see her again for a week. everything is perfect.. i proposed to her... thennnnnnnn i found out farawaygirl was lying to me about going to work everyday for 4 months.. when she had supposedly quit her job ... ok got over that.. i was supposed to move far away with her the end of this year.. but im a lil scared now...