Calling All Femmes
Posted Tuesday, September 2, 2008, 11:07AM
Dear Lipstick and Dipstick: I’m 16 and only attracted to feminine women. Where is the best place to meet femmes? And if a butch asks me out, how can I just say no? — Focused on Fondling Femmes
Lipstick: Focused fondler some of us are only attracted to lipsticks. Your heart is its own connoisseur, so stop worrying about that. As far as how to meet femmes, I’ve got two bits of advice. First, if it’s safe for you to do so, make sure you’re out and proud. If people don’t know you’re gay, then how can the hot femmes find you? Second, pick up a tennis racquet and join the tennis team, as it’s loaded with budding lipsticks. When you hit the road for your first away game, make sure you take some bait, so there’s no guessing which players are looking for a love match. Bring the new Tegan and Sara CD, a copy of CURVE and some hummus. Pay attention to who dips the chips. All dykes love hummus—right, Dipstick?
Dipstick: That’s right. The three things you always see at a lesbian party are dogs, an ex-girlfriend and hummus. FFF, I’ll tell ya where to meet the femmes—the same places I met them when I was your age: the cheerleading squad, the swim team and the debate club. Beyond those spots, you’ve got a few places I didn’t have, like gay-straight alliances and queer youth groups. Online chat with other teens on youth-safe sites, like the forum Gayteens.About.com. Finally, as for turning down butches, just be polite—tell them you’re flattered but just want to be friends. Later, ask them if they know any cute femmes who are single.
Dear Lipstick and Dipstick: I have been with my partner for six years. I love her very much. The problem is that when we got together she was with another woman, who she stayed with for another two years. For a while, we all tried to be together in one relationship, and it was a total mess. The first girlfriend finally left and it’s just been us for four years—and we’re having major trust issues. Every time we fight, I feel like it would be easier to start over. I used to think this was forever love, but now I’m not so sure. I was too young when we got together. I want to explore and play. I need to figure out what I want. My friends don’t like her so they are no help. I need someone else’s advice. — Toxic in Toronto
Dipstick: Toxic, I see my young self in your situation. I, too, was involved with someone I thought I would be with forever. But one year in, she decided she wanted to open the relationship up—and date our roommate. When I tried to tell her my heart couldn’t handle it, she said if I was a true feminist and secure in my own self, their screaming orgasms from the next room wouldn’t bother me. She suggested that I should be delighted at their newfound joy. What a bunch of crap. When I complained about the situation to my friends, they gave me the advice I’m about to give you: Either stand up for yourself or get out. There’s a reason your friends don’t like her. It’s because she treats you like shit. I say, ask their advice and heed it. They’ve got your best interest at heart.
Lipstick: Sometimes people just need their asses kicked. I’m wearing my cowboy boots today, Toxic, so watch out. You’re having major trust issues? Well, what a surprise. Wake up and get the hell out of this mess. You’ve already made your decision. Reread your letter: “I was too young when we got together. I want to explore and play.” Um, hello? Where’s the confusion in that? You just need to get a backbone. Go home, grab your things and quit wallowing. Break up with her and get on with your life. You’ve got a lot of growing and living to do, so start today.
Dear Lipstick and Dipstick: My problem is my boss. He believes he’s God’s gift to women and he’s a total know-it-all, so he thinks he can “turn” me back to being straight. He will not leave me alone. He knows I’m with a woman and that I love her, and I’m just sick of hearing his BS about how being gay is some kind of choice. I can’t afford to quit my job, and I am really good at what I do, but I’ve gotten to the point where I can’t take it anymore. — Boiling Over in Biloxi
Dipstick: I’m boiling, too! The prick. While I can sit here and fantasize about taking his jewels out with a blow dart, what you’ve got to deal with is a bona fide case of sexual harassment. You need to start documenting all the things he has said to you. If they’re in an email or voice message, save them. Take notes and keep evidence. And then march yourself right up to human resources and don’t leave until a complaint has been filed. You may even want to talk with a lawyer first to get a bit of advice. This is serious and I hope you nail his ass to the wall and get him fired.
Lipstick: Or you can turn this around—if you can’t beat the truth into him, why not beat up on his ego? Threaten a lawsuit and then tell him it’s because of chauvinistic assholes like him that you’re gay. But be careful—in Mississippi, he can fire you for being a lesbian. Like Dip said, keep a paper trail at home. If our government won’t protect us, we’ve got to take it upon ourselves.
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