Three Point Plan for Sanity
This blog was supposed to be about Mother’s Day. It was supposed to be about making babies and sexy mamas and even stretched vaginas, but as I sit here writing, I can’t help but think about the one thing that has been consuming my mind, body and spirit for a month straight.
No, it’s not sex. I wish it was. Oh, how I wish it was. But alas, it’s finals.
With very few exceptions, every grade in law school is based on one single three-hour test. You cram as much into yourself as possible until you’re given the signal to spew it all back out again, hopefully in a way that gives the receiver pleasure.
In my opinion, finals are 60 people sitting in a room intellectually masturbating onto a piece of paper, that is then reviewed by an “expert” who judges us each on how big and bright our load was.
Whenever I finish early, I self-consciously scan to see if I’m the only quickie in the room and get panicky at how vigorously everyone else is still working themselves over. I debate whether to fake it until the others finish, or just up and leave, and sometimes I even contemplate actually masturbating right then and there to cut the rigidity in the room.
To combat the all too familiar finals freak-out, I devised a three point plan for sanity, and I’m proud to say it works.
First, wear cute underwear.
It’s a proven (by me) fact that when you feel sexy you feel powerful. The standard finals uniform of yoga pants, sports bra and large T-shirt is required for sitting in coffee shops bent over books for hours at a time.
However, pop a pair of panties with lace, ruffles, or superhero characters on them under that uniform, and you’ll ooze with a sexy confidence that might even get you a free scone from your favorite barista.
That confidence will be important to help you with point number two: get laid at the beginning, middle and end of the three week finals episode.
Because I’m going through a highly promiscuous stage in my life, I chose three different people with whom to have these stress relieving sessions, but feel free to use the same person if you’re so inclined.
Just remember, it’s important to pick someone who isn’t going to be offended when you immediately rush out the door yammering about getting in one last hour of work before the library closes.
Third, because you don’t always have time to deal with another person’s needs, masturbate frequently.
Orgasms relieve tension and release mood enhancing endorphins that happily and healthily alleviate stress. I highly suggest going to Babeland—or whatever your local independent sex-positive store is—before any stressful event and buying yourself a fun new toy.
Might I suggest the Fling, the lacquered bamboo G-spot stimulator I wrote about in Brown Paper Packages. We became good friends over the course of the weeks of finals, and I’ve never had this much self-fun before in my life—and that’s saying a lot.
My plan was so successful during finals, I plan on implementing it for every nerve-racking occasion of my life. I hope you are all able to do the same, and I promise I’ll write about sexy mamas another week.
Blogger Bio: Queerie Bradshaw loves shoes, social justice and sex. Born a farmer's daughter, she believes everyone deserves a good roll in the hay, and feels empowered by her feminine sexuality. She frequently travels both domestically and abroad, exploring women and wine from all regions. Now a law student who dances burlesque on the side, she fights for international rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of good porn. You can visit her website at QueerieBradshaw.com, follow her on Twitter (twitter.com/QueerieBradshaw) and become a fan of hers on Facebook.
Photo: Photo: J. Robert Williams
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