If You See Something, Say Something
Stephanie Schroeder
I've sloughed off several lovers in my life because of the bad—and often abusive—treatment at the hands of these so-called girlfriends. These particular individuals' behavior is something which I would never in a million years dream of putting up with in terms of any friend or friendship, yet I let myself be abused, cornered, monitored, controlled, held captive and even beaten by a person who called herself my lover.
I see this quite a bit in the lesbian community—friends with a girlfriend who has bad behavior bordering on (or actually) abusive.
This is totally fucked up on the part of any abusive girlfriend, who indeed has severe issues and problems that no one can address inside of an intimate relationship, let alone fix—she needs a psychotherapist (and maybe the cops) for that. But it's also fucked up for lesbians to get involved with and stay in abusive relationships.
My Curve colleague Victoria Brownworth has written several thoughtful and incisive articles about domestic abuse among lesbians—or IPV (intimate partner violence) to be very PC—that should be required reading for all dykes.
You know how it is when you have a friend who gets involved with someone you don't care for because the new chick doesn't treat your friend very well. And you don't say anything because you think it's really none of your business, or just because it's uncomfortable? You just try to see your friend without her girlfriend, but never say, "How's it going with such-and-such? I'm concerned about you and your safety want to support you, I'm here to listen and help."
It's a hard thing to do; to say to a friend who seems to be head-over-heels, that her new love is a downer and not only a total drag to be around, but maybe even an emotionally or physically harmful individual. But, it's necessary and the right thing for any friend to do.
No one said such a thing to me, but I sure wish they had.
I think for many lesbians (and all people) accepting abuse in intimate relationships is modeled from their family of origin. Dysfunctional nuclear families are as American as apple pie—maybe more so. And, the fact that we might love people who abuse us or "just" treat us badly seeps into intimate relationships because our biological family has modeled for us how to relate to others on a negative, punitive and often abusive level.
It's totally unacceptable for you, your friends, your family—or anyone—to be abused.
Please, if you see something, say something!
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Reader Comments:
Thanks for writing this! It's only by speaking openly about it, that we can being to address it! I had a wonderful friend who urged me to get out of a similar relationship that you write about. It is only for her constant pleas to leave, that I did. I kept thinking the person, I loved, would change because of my love for her. Unfortunately, things got worse over time, not better. You can leave, although it may be difficult. No one deserves to be belittled or abused.
I have also had this experience, more than once I am embarrassed to say, and am so glad someone finally said something. Recently I was forced into a sexual experience by a "friend" who was quite intoxicated and very much stronger than I. In order to try to "help" her while she was intoxicated, I put myself into a situation where I could not find a way out.
Is that rape? I mean if I didn't scream and yell and call the police, but instead gave in to diffuse an ugly situation? I have struggled with my feelings since this happened and I cannot seem to let it sit right with me. In fact, Im almost embarrassed at my own actions that day.
I loved, and still love my partner, who is now my ex - and she still loves me.
...and, I called her on it, when she was putting me down, and being controlling and manipulative, and encouraged and helped her leave me, although it took many times to "stick".
I helped her see that it wasn't about me, but about her not knowing herself, what she wanted, and taking it out on me...
Now she's gone, and I'm shocked how quickly she let go, moved on, and forgot stuff we did.
However, loving her then, and still, means I care enough to respond when she connects to tap into the reservoir of affection when she's lonely.
Since she's repelled by insecurity and analyzing, I've tried to help her stay away (or keep myself from inviting her back) by giving her the insecurity and analyzing when the need arises.
I think we've managed to manage ourselves almost to the point of no contact, and we're both tired of "helping" each other let go...
I'm not suggesting my behavior as an option, but I've found it extremely difficult, because of the "love" part.
I loved, and still love my partner, who is now my ex - and she still loves me.
...and, I called her on it, when she was putting me down, and being controlling and manipulative, and encouraged and helped her leave me, although it took many times to "stick".
I helped her see that it wasn't about me, but about her not knowing herself, what she wanted, and taking it out on me...
Now she's gone, and I'm shocked how quickly she let go, moved on, and forgot stuff we did.
However, loving her then, and still, means I care enough to respond when she connects to tap into the reservoir of affection when she's lonely.
Since she's repelled by insecurity and analyzing, I've tried to help her stay away (or keep myself from inviting her back) by giving her the insecurity and analyzing when the need arises.
I think we've managed to manage ourselves almost to the point of no contact, and we're both tired of "helping" each other let go...
I'm not suggesting my behavior as an option, but I've found it extremely difficult, because of the "love" part.
Be sure to look for a book about this in the future. My ex was abusive (all of the above) for two years and it took me calling the police to end things because it got that bad. Unfortunately, because I'm butch and my abuser is femme, the police didn't treat me well at all because of my gender expression playing into messed up stereotypes. I had friends prior tell me point blank about her behavior out of concern for me, but I didn't want to listen. Even when friends speak up, the other friend has to want to change and see things for what they are, otherwise no amount of talking or convincing will work. Luckily I have a really amazing support system, it's been almost three years, and I'm writing a book about my experience. When I looked for resources there werent very many, so I thought why not? In a few years it'll be out. And yeah this issue gets swept under the rug far too much and needs to be brought to the surface especially since about 40% of the community goes through it at some point.
I believe it is very important to keep talking about this issue. The problem in any abusive relationship is being able to talk about it. It is hard to put it into words because it is embarrassing. Lots of feelings of shame that we could allow it to happen. We also believe that if we don't talk about it no one will know. Words have power so the more we put it out that this does happen the more we can help others in the same situation.
I meet a new women a few months back. I guess until after the ex moved out and we started dating, I didn’t realise how much of a hold the ex had on her. Not long after we started seeing each other she began to reveal bits about their relationship and the verbal abuse from her ex. She also told me that her ex wouldn't even go to bed or leave her to read a book on the couch; she had to go to bed with the ex. The ex continued to have contact, until she managed to persuade her to go back to the abusive relationship. She pretended to have cancer to get her back; then she had a motor bike accident, this worked; she went back. I was devastated because I really cared for this new person, I still feel completely powerless. We never really had a chance to get to know each other, but what I offered her was a new life of independence and unconditional love. I supported her emotionally to return to study (she began an arts degree) to help her confidence and give her some new direction in her life. She’s a single mum who feels very isolated as well. I was only with her for a short time, but I saw an amazing person inside this women. I hope one day she sees her and leaves this horrible relationship. I truly hope she finds her true nature and the path to her true self. I can only come to the conclusion that she was not ready for what was on offer with me, and chose to go back to this situation because it was predictable in some way. I could feel I was falling in love with this woman. Now I am struggling to let go of my pain, but it is time to move on and except her choice to go back to a devastating situation. Sadness! I know it’s a hard place to be, because I have watched my sisters stay in violent and verbally abusive relationships; but when help arrives, we have to be ready to trust and take a risk to begin something new. Let go of the past and leap into the unknown.
Abuse can be very difficult to define. Thank you for bringing the subject to light again. Controlling behavior is often overlooked or not considered to be abuse, but it is a very insidious form of it. I lived under the thumb of a woman for nearly 10 years. She checked my phone, read emails, didnt want me to have a facebook account. If I didnt come home within 30 minutes after work she called nonstop or came after me. Once I started standing up for myself she twisted my words to provoke anger, then left me, accusing me of abuse!
I finally found the courage and finally left my long term partner of 10 years after the last 3 years turned extremely violent. My partner crossed a line and didn't seem to be able to stop. We are both middle aged professional, for all intensive purposes intelligent women. If I didn't leave I have no doubt I would have eventually been killed. I have told very few people about this after a number of the women who knew about the abuse decided that it wouldn't change their relationship with my abuser. Women, it wouldn't have been an issue if my partner was a man. Made me really question the notion of never, ever ok and women - primarily lesbians excusing the behaviour of other lesbians and ignoring that fact that it happens in this community.
For Anonymous who posted on 2/28 at 2:26 PM - Please stop second-guessing yourself. Yes, you were sexually assaulted. Sexual assault includes coercion, trickery and the like. The definition of sexual assault is unwanted sexual contact without consent. Not screaming does not imply consent. Consent is something that is very clear and you clearly did not give. I'm sorry this happened to you. I hope you seek out help in some form to deal with this. Don't be embarrassed. Many, many people have had such experiences and second-guessed themselves because rape is one of the few crimes in which the victim (survivor) is often made to feel complicit. A man who goes into a bank in a busy part of town and takes out a bunch of cash and then walks down the street and gets mugged is not made to feel he shouldn't have gone to the bank in such a public way, shouldn't have gotten so much cash, should have been more aware of muggers around him. You are no more at fault for being sexually assaulted than a person is for getting mugged in a "bad" part of town. Don't let our society make you feel like it's your fault. It's not.