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04/30/12
I find being taken for granted in a primary (or any) relationship and in turn, taking the other person for granted is a definite relationship killer.
This is why I love it so much that when my girlfriend calls me, or leaves a voice message, or even sends an email, she identifies herself. She doesn't say "It's me" with an assumption that there is only one "me" in my life. There isn't. She says, "Hi, this is XXXX." She also signs her name on every email to me.
I have a lot of people on my life whom I value and they are all "mes." They are also all individuals who have names and personalities and characters. It's all about seeing and hearing and being seen and heard, which some people need more of than...
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04/05/12
Someone in the comments section of one blog post or another said mine is not the only way to have a relationship, and to check in after 20 years with my girlfriend, children, a house, car etc. and report about whether we're still having exciting (or any) sex.
I'm not judging women, gay or straight, whose relationships are sexless yet companionable "Boston marriages".
I've never said mine is the only way to have a relationship (but, I have chosen not to marry, have children or buy a car or house). However, what I have said, and will say again, is that if you're not having sex with your partner, then she's not your lover. She might be a friend, a former lover, your platonic girlfriend, a loved one, even your wife, but not a...
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03/20/12
So, while I'm focusing on the various destructive aspects of intimate relationships, let me just go directly to Madame Noire, who has a fine list of "8 Dynamics that Should Never Exist in a Relationship." It was written for straight women, but applies across the board as far as I'm concerned.
Yelling, walking on eggshells, unethical behavior and more: we've all likely experienced it, know it feels crappy, but we also believe it "happens with every couple." Well, it doesn’t. Not healthy couples and not healthy single people.
If something feels shitty inside of a relationship, it is. And I'm not just talking about a small...
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03/06/12
It appears my previous post about intimate partner violence (IPV) hit a painful chord. I was gratified to receive so many comments, but sad and angry that so many lesbians have suffered abuse from other women.
Violence is not gendered, and it seems to me intimate partner violence is an epidemic in the lesbian community as everywhere. I don't want to sound alarmist, but it's my experience with so many friends (and, of course, with my own history) that we are not recognizing just how abusive our relationships sometimes are.
It also seems from the responses to my last post, friends are very concerned, but paralyzed and confused about what to do and say to help their friends in bad relationships.
I'm listing below just a few resources: ...
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02/20/12
I've sloughed off several lovers in my life because of the bad—and often abusive—treatment at the hands of these so-called girlfriends. These particular individuals' behavior is something which I would never in a million years dream of putting up with in terms of any friend or friendship, yet I let myself be abused, cornered, monitored, controlled, held captive and even beaten by a person who called herself my lover.
I see this quite a bit in the lesbian community—friends with a girlfriend who has bad behavior bordering on (or actually) abusive.
This is totally fucked up on the part of any abusive girlfriend, who indeed has severe issues and problems that no one can address inside of an intimate relationship, let alone fix—she...
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