I’m broke, busted, have no dinero. My fulltime day job, turned part time job, just got cut. I’m thinking about alternatives, including getting into a roommate situation to lower my rent even though I’ve never had a roommate in my life. I’ve lived with girlfriends, but never had a roommate proper.
The other day my therapist asked if I were considering moving in with the Playwright to consolidate expenses. I said no. She asked me why not, I’m pretty sure she was playing devil’s advocate. I said neither of us has the intention of moving in together any time soon and it would be a recipe for disaster. We’re still getting to know each other—a financial crisis is no time to rent a U-Haul.
A friend said, “Yeah, but six months is like two and a half years in lesbian years and you two are really good together.” I told her I don’t believe in the fallacy of “lesbian years.” Indeed, I have moved in with lovers quickly in the past, sometimes after dating less than three months. That time I stayed for five years. Days, weeks, months that turned into five bad years. I’m not doing it again!
So, my therapist also said, in the therapy group I belong to, that it’s possible to have a healthy relationship because “look at Stephanie, she’s in a relationship with someone she likes.” This made me burst out laughing! It’s pretty ironic, but yeah, I’ve been in long term relationships and short term situations where not only haven’t I liked the woman I was with, but where she was abusive in one way or another: psychologically, physically, cheating, financially manipulative, etc.
And, I don’t think I am alone in this. I think it’s an epidemic in the lesbian community, this staying with a partner past the season of the relationship when it’s boring, abusive, you (or she) have evolved and changed and outgrown the pairing and various other reasons and one or both of you are now just making excuses.
Before we started dating, I told a friend that the Playwright is too nice and that is why I wouldn’t ask her out. My friend indicated that was exactly why I should date her: I had had such abusive and unhealthy relationships in my past it was time to start treating myself—and being treated—well. I stonewalled a bit and then asked the Playwright on a date—the infamous Make-Out Date I’ve already written about.
So, when my girlfriend, who is out of town just now, wrote me, “I never knew having a girlfriend could be as cool as it is with you,” I was more than pleased. I told her about thinking she is “too nice” to date and she was (rightfully) offended and said many women have said that about her, which is a pretty sad statement about the state of affairs in lesbianland. I think it’s cool that she is nice—and cute and sexy... and a playwright.
Stephanie Schroeder is a dreamer, wanderer and writer based in Brooklyn, NY. She likes to exchange apartments with artists and other interesting folks from around the globe and travel in search of new friends and singular experiences. She makes purple a way of life and also fancies green, purple’s complementary color on the color wheel. (www.stephanieschroeder.com)
Curve's first blog! The name sort of says it all...
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Reader Comments:
Enjoyed your article, wish I'd read it 20 years ago, though... Thanks.
Stephanie...DON'T DO IT. I did it, I did it, and I'll willingly admit it. I moved in with my last partner to lower the rent and needless to say...that was 3 years ago and we're not together. That's right, I too thought, "Wow. She's so cool. She's a musician, she's in the military, she's got a clean house and we're both neat freaks. PERFECT! Not so much. Yea, there were some red flags that later reared their ugly heads ("but you have more tiiime to go grocery shopping." "But you make more money, so you pay the bills and I'll just pay you back." (ring ring) "Honey, I'm gonna be home late. Go ahead and eat dinner without me.") It sounds like you got a good thing goin' here. As one of those "too nice to date" girls- yea, it's a little off putting to find out that's one of the "faults" in your personality. But like you said, therein lies the impetus for the perfect lesbian relationship. Find the most emotionally crippled woman in the room and JUMP HER! For surely her p*ssy be made of gold. Moving in with your partner is not the Achilles heel. Where we fall short is loving the relationship to death. Our instinct as women is to nest. We enjoy the home and all it represents. The togetherness, the camaraderie, the "Ooo honey! I just found chocolate brown, Egyptian cotton sheets! 1000 thread count on sale for $50! And then going home and designing a whole room around that Oprah-esque find! It's awesome! But we shouldn't lose ourselves or compromise who we are to have that. In case you're in doubt, there's not a relationship I've been in where I haven't moved in and they were all too soon. I haven't lived with someone I wasn't dating (excluding college). And personally, the next time I do, I will be engaged. I'm not recommending this for everyone (I'm currently just an unapologetic, bitter b*tch who needs more time in The Land of the Jaded) We just need to spend more time enjoying the moments that make memories and let life happen. Don't force it.
Stephanie...DON'T DO IT. I did it, I did it, and I'll willingly admit it. I moved in with my last partner to lower the rent and needless to say...that was 3 years ago and we're not together. That's right, I too thought, "Wow. She's so cool. She's a musician, she's in the military, she's got a clean house and we're both neat freaks. PERFECT! Not so much. Yea, there were some red flags that later reared their ugly heads ("but you have more tiiime to go grocery shopping." "But you make more money, so you pay the bills and I'll just pay you back." (ring ring) "Honey, I'm gonna be home late. Go ahead and eat dinner without me.") It sounds like you got a good thing goin' here. As one of those "too nice to date" girls- yea, it's a little off putting to find out that's one of the "faults" in your personality. But like you said, therein lies the impetus for the perfect lesbian relationship. Find the most emotionally crippled woman in the room and JUMP HER! For surely her p*ssy be made of gold. Moving in with your partner is not the Achilles heel. Where we fall short is loving the relationship to death. Our instinct as women is to nest. We enjoy the home and all it represents. The togetherness, the camaraderie, the "Ooo honey! I just found chocolate brown, Egyptian cotton sheets! 1000 thread count on sale for $50! And then going home and designing a whole room around that Oprah-esque find! It's awesome! But we shouldn't lose ourselves or compromise who we are to have that. In case you're in doubt, there's not a relationship I've been in where I haven't moved in and they were all too soon. I haven't lived with someone I wasn't dating (excluding college). And personally, the next time I do, I will be engaged. I'm not recommending this for everyone (I'm currently just an unapologetic, bitter b*tch who needs more time in The Land of the Jaded) We just need to spend more time enjoying the moments that make memories and let life happen. Don't force it.