Nov 11, 2009
02:00 AM

Avoiding the Lesbian Trap

Avoiding the Lesbian Trap

So it’s been going along swimmingly, this relationship thing. I’m really into it. And I want to say that while for several years I was not at all ready to start what could turn into a committed relationship, I feel I am in that place now. But, I also know it ain’t for everyone.

I’m all for casual sex, one night stands, poly and other open relationships, and anonymous encounters. Make no mistake; I’m no proselytizer about monogamy. I just know me. And, while I did “play the field” for a few years and was totally skeptical about whether I would ever be interested in or capable of committing to one woman after two decades of unsatisfying serial monogamy, it is indeed very satisfying knowing that there is one person out there in this big scary world who cares a great deal about me. A woman who doesn’t judge and who doesn’t crowd. A sister writer who is supportive of my art. An individual who is not threatened by my successes while simultaneously being capable of showing caring and support around my disappointments, frustrations and letdowns. A human being with her own life, art, work, appointments, friends and other endeavors that haven’t come to a standstill simply because she is in a relationship. Same here, I don’t blow off plans with friends or skip out on commitments—or not schedule other engagements—just because my girlfriend might be available when I have another offer or want to make alternate plans.

This issue is something we have discussed at length: not letting ourselves fall into the trap of being “bookends” who do everything together and who have no separate interesting and invigorating lives to bring to the relationship table. That common lesbian scenario is such a bore to me, and her. That lesbian merging thing, I don’t get it—the sitting on the household couch holding hands and being satisfied to cling to each other solely while blotting out the rest of the world.

Yeah, there’s smitten and then there is also codependent and also just plain B-O-R-I-N-G. We don’t want to be either, and with 40-odd years of living behind each of us, and a combined 20+ years of therapy we seem poised to avoid a lot of the pitfalls of the lesser evolved or, perhaps, overly involved, lesbian couples. I’ll keep ya posted.

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