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09/04/12
So, the girlfriend and I are coming up on five years together. Friends and acquaintance are starting to look at me, and her, all squinty-eyed and saying, in a certain doubtful tone, "So, how's it going with Steph?" Or "Wow, five years, that's a long time. How do you do it?" Like we've completed the New York Marathon and they are more than a little curious about our secret method of endurance training.
There are a few things I want to point out to those blown away at successful relationships.
My gal and I want to be together, there's no the mystery in that. We like and love each other. Sheesh, we're not being forced to have a relationship.
We work out whatever smaller difficulties we have navigating living together and sharing our...
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08/06/12
I read at the Here Comes the Brides: Reflections on Lesbian Love & Marriage event in N.Y.C. last weekend. I'm a contributor to the anthology, which is mostly cheerleading of same-sex (and all) marriage. Regular readers of this blog won't be surprised that I am the lone antiassimilationist dissenter. Others are ambivalent to be sure, but I am the hard-liner.
The same day the HCTB event went up on Facebook, I read news of Microsoft's top two execs contributing 100 Grand each to a Washington State marriage equality group. Apparently a statement on The Official Microsoft Blog was titled "Marriage Equality in Washington State Would Be Good for Business” ... My reaction was that when anything becomes good for corporate America, that's when we need to...
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06/20/12
I don't know who started it, Dr. Joyce Brothers or Dr. Ruth Wisenheimer maybe, certainly not Oprah Winfrey, although many people sometimes give her credit for it.
Anyhow, I remember when the older crew of love/sex/relationship advice-givers began recommending scheduling time for sex for couples who do too much. There was a huge outcry about the lack of spontaneity. I never thought the idea was so farfetched, but I don't think I was having sex at the time. Or, at least I was not in any sort of committed relationship. And I definitely was not living in New York City.
Well, now all of those facts are true, and I totally get the scheduling time for sex thing, the actual looking at the calendar (we both have hard-bound calendars, how old-fashioned!) and picking a mutually...
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04/30/12
I find being taken for granted in a primary (or any) relationship and in turn, taking the other person for granted is a definite relationship killer.
This is why I love it so much that when my girlfriend calls me, or leaves a voice message, or even sends an email, she identifies herself. She doesn't say "It's me" with an assumption that there is only one "me" in my life. There isn't. She says, "Hi, this is XXXX." She also signs her name on every email to me.
I have a lot of people on my life whom I value and they are all "mes." They are also all individuals who have names and personalities and characters. It's all about seeing and hearing and being seen and heard, which some people need more of than others. Many of us...
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04/05/12
Someone in the comments section of one blog post or another said mine is not the only way to have a relationship, and to check in after 20 years with my girlfriend, children, a house, car etc. and report about whether we're still having exciting (or any) sex.
I'm not judging women, gay or straight, whose relationships are sexless yet companionable "Boston marriages".
I've never said mine is the only way to have a relationship (but, I have chosen not to marry, have children or buy a car or house). However, what I have said, and will say again, is that if you're not having sex with your partner, then she's not your lover. She might be a friend, a former lover, your platonic girlfriend, a loved one, even your wife, but not a lover.
It...
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03/20/12
So, while I'm focusing on the various destructive aspects of intimate relationships, let me just go directly to Madame Noire, who has a fine list of "8 Dynamics that Should Never Exist in a Relationship." It was written for straight women, but applies across the board as far as I'm concerned.
Yelling, walking on eggshells, unethical behavior and more: we've all likely experienced it, know it feels crappy, but we also believe it "happens with every couple." Well, it doesn’t. Not healthy couples and not healthy single people.
If something feels shitty inside of a relationship, it is. And I'm not just talking about a small disagreement or one isolated fight. I'm talking about ongoing issues that cannot be resolved or negative...
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03/06/12
It appears my previous post about intimate partner violence (IPV) hit a painful chord. I was gratified to receive so many comments, but sad and angry that so many lesbians have suffered abuse from other women.
Violence is not gendered, and it seems to me intimate partner violence is an epidemic in the lesbian community as everywhere. I don't want to sound alarmist, but it's my experience with so many friends (and, of course, with my own history) that we are not recognizing just how abusive our relationships sometimes are.
It also seems from the responses to my last post, friends are very concerned, but paralyzed and confused about what to do and say to help their friends in bad relationships.
I'm listing below just a few resources:
New York City's...
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02/20/12
I've sloughed off several lovers in my life because of the bad—and often abusive—treatment at the hands of these so-called girlfriends. These particular individuals' behavior is something which I would never in a million years dream of putting up with in terms of any friend or friendship, yet I let myself be abused, cornered, monitored, controlled, held captive and even beaten by a person who called herself my lover.
I see this quite a bit in the lesbian community—friends with a girlfriend who has bad behavior bordering on (or actually) abusive.
This is totally fucked up on the part of any abusive girlfriend, who indeed has severe issues and problems that no one can address inside of an intimate relationship, let alone fix—she needs a...
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01/18/12
"I have to leave by 8 pm. I have to meet Stephanie," is what my girlfriend told someone she was hanging out with the other day.
To which the other person responded, "Oh, are you going to get in trouble if you're late."
"No, we agreed to meet at home to spend time together," my girlfriend replied, a bit flummoxed.
I don't get this idea of punitive relationships. I mean, of course I get it, I've been in relationships where my partner has tracked my every move and monitored all my activities and friendships, but that is captivity and domestic abuse.
I'm talking about healthy adult relationships that almost no one seems to have. The kind of relationship where you don't see your girlfriend all day, but are so thrilled to...
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12/27/11
It’s early Saturday morning on Christmas Eve of the Christian celebration Christmas and the commercial secular holiday of the same name. I prefer all-year-round good will myself, X-mas if I have to refer to the “holiday” at all.
My girlfriend has been bah-humbugging it for weeks. “Why bother getting all down about it?” I ask her. “I’m just glad to have an extra day off from work and more time to spend with you.”
“I guess I’m not there yet,” she replies. We both laugh.
This morning we are going to shoot hoops. We’ve been talking about it since we moved into this apartment over a year ago. We live across from a neighborhood park with a basketball court that is almost always in use. We can hear...
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