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Ask Anything

I got an email from a 19-year-old nephew recently which started out with the unlikely statement, “I have some interesting questions concerning being a lesbian.”

Now, while I’ve known some men who claim to be lesbians at heart (in a sincere way) and others who claim to be lesbians in practice (in a slimy way), and since my young relative was at a university he could have been claiming to be a LUG (lesbian until graduation), but I didn’t think this was where he was going.

A belief justified by his next statement: “A girl in my dormitory hall has recently embraced her homosexuality, or has suddenly entered her sexual peak. She likens what she is feeling to the 15 year-old boy who is engrossed with every cute girl he sees.”

He follows with the suggestion that my wife and I might be good resources to answer the following for her: Where would be the best place to find lesbians? What is the best way to identify them until gaydar develops? How to deal with sudden bursts of female sex interest?

As he’s known us from birth, his gaydar is pretty darned developed, so he’d sensed she might be a lesbian for a while but had only learned that he was right on the money when she’d informed him earlier that day. And knowing he had access to experienced, mature lesbians, she’d peppered him with questions, including the above.

Luckily, we can relate. My wife still likens herself to a 15 year-old boy in terms of attractive females, and I consider myself lucky to fall into that category. And as for hunting the elusive lesbian in the university atmosphere, once upon a time I was a pro.

Truly, she’s in the right place. She’s in a liberal city at a liberal school with a gay group and political action committees and team sports galore. The school rugby team is rumored to be at 90 percent. And there’s always the Women’s Studies Department or the local Roller Derby Team. She probably couldn’t walk across campus without bumping into a lesbian.

Regarding gaydar, I say put out the signal and they’ll come to you. I also advised that if a woman meets your eyes without glancing away, that’s a good sign, and that the faux-hawk is an indicator, though I think they’re heinous. All she really needs is a T-shirt or a sticker on her backpack and she’ll be good to go on options. However, if she’s got a girl already picked out, she’s got to make a move; maybe sidle up next to Ms. X and ask her to coffee. A classic college come-on, but often successful

As for those sudden bursts of female sex interest—well, we all have to behave ourselves in public. You can bounce up to attractive girls and proposition them all you want, but ultimately any of those needs must be satisfied in private, partner or not, and preferably when the roommate is not at home.

I’m hoping we get an update from the nephew soon on her social success. It’s nice to see a young woman coming out now, without all the internalized homophobia we labored under, and the secrecy we had to maintain in order to be employed, housed and not beaten up. She sounds like a good sort. I hope she receives her toaster oven soon. 

 

Blogger Bio: Beren deMotier is a Carol Brady in Levis/tattooed lesbian mama in a mini-van, obsessed with safety, doing the right thing and the amount of dog hair on her wood floors. She is a regular contributor to both Curve and Black Lamb, and has written for Hip Mama, And Baby, Pride Parenting, ehow.com, and for her blog, “That Lesbian Mom Next Door.” Her multi-award-winning book, The Brides of March: Memoir of a Same-Sex Marriage, recounts her giddy leap through a legal window, straight onto the barbeque pit of public debate when she and her partner married in Oregon in 2004, their three children along for the raucous ride. (berendemotier.com)

Photo: Rich H Legg/istock