Web Articles 2010

If Anyone Needs a Brazilian, it’s Not the Dog

12/08/10

If Anyone Needs a Brazilian, it’s Not the Dog

The only person in our household who gets his or her hair cut professionally isn’t a person. It’s our white fluff-ball of a dog. She’s the one who gets her nails done, her hair washed and trimmed, and apparently, such a close shave around her private parts that my wife was spurred to comment on the undesirability of a Brazilian wax on a dog.“Do I need to see that much of her… No!” she (my spouse, not the dog) snorted, averting her eyes from the dog’s unnecessarily naked rear.I think the groomer got a little carried away this time. Usually it is less of a wax-job and more of a trim. Much less raw. The dog looks like she’s ready to pose for “Playdog” or “Doghouse” or maybe Cosmo in a thong.The rest of us are far more...

Posted at 02:49 PM | Permalink | Comments: 1

My Life as a Dog

11/29/10

My Life as a Dog

Photo: Denise Thuler/stockxchng Obviously, the first thing that comes to mind is that I’m a real bitch. But that’s not the kind of dog I’m talking about. Even though I’m sure it is sometimes true. As well as that I can be a real dog; just look at me every morning before makeup. Scary.In this case I’m talking about the strange transformation from breed to breed I’ve undergone during my stages of motherhood. My wife has somehow remained human, but then she has a “real job” and leaves the homestead on a regular basis, so she has to maintain a semblance of humanity.Not me, apparently. When our older two kids were little, I was nicknamed “The Safety Queen” for my obvious concern about the life and limb of our beloved offspring....

Posted at 08:48 PM | Permalink | Comments

Ask Anything

11/15/10

Ask Anything

I got an email from a 19-year-old nephew recently which started out with the unlikely statement, “I have some interesting questions concerning being a lesbian.”Now, while I’ve known some men who claim to be lesbians at heart (in a sincere way) and others who claim to be lesbians in practice (in a slimy way), and since my young relative was at a university he could have been claiming to be a LUG (lesbian until graduation), but I didn’t think this was where he was going.A belief justified by his next statement: “A girl in my dormitory hall has recently embraced her homosexuality, or has suddenly entered her sexual peak. She likens what she is feeling to the 15 year-old boy who is engrossed with every cute girl he sees.”He follows with the suggestion...

Posted at 03:47 PM | Permalink | Comments: 1

What the World Needs Right Now is Kermit the Frog

11/11/10

What the World Needs Right Now is Kermit the Frog

I haven’t been able to bring myself to write about the recent spate of suicides by LGBT youth because of bullying. It is both so devastating and seemingly inevitable in our world that there are times that denial is necessary to survive. I’ve hoped that this kind of bullying was being addressed, that there was enough support for our youth out there that they could escape middle school and high school, if not unscathed, at least alive.What we need right now is a message from Kermit to change the way the world is. I’m a big fan of Kermit the Frog. Really. Not only because Sesame Street opened the world for kids all over America to see that we are many and various and worthwhile. But because Kermit the Frog was an Everyman who believed that being different was, if not...

Posted at 09:31 PM | Permalink | Comments

Vaginas Equal Purses: Part II

10/19/10

Vaginas Equal Purses: Part II

Apparently, the suggestion that a woman’s purse equals her vagina struck a chord with some women (and a couple men) because I heard much musing upon the subject, including a long list of women wondering what their purses said about them:Question: What does it mean that I’ve just bought a semi-distressed brown leather bag?Answer: That you’ve just given birth and you’re probably semi-distressed down there.Question: What does it mean that I’ve had the same purse for a decade and it was made by Indonesian garbage pickers from found materials?Answer: Totally a phoenix from the ashes thing, your sexuality made up of the gems of your history carried into the present. Or maybe that you're global, green self is awesome.Question: What does it mean when you’re a...

Posted at 06:14 PM | Permalink | Comments

I Had an Epiphany Last Night

10/12/10

I Had an Epiphany Last Night

This is probably a no-brainer for the rest of western civilization. Everyone has likely made this leap of logic and symbolism. But it was new for me. While I was sitting on the zoo lawn waiting to listen to Cyndi Lauper sing the blues, I glanced at our friend Paula's new purse (she'd been showing it to me earlier) and it struck me: Purse = Vagina.I had an "Ah ha!" moment; so this is why women find purses so important, and why they have a hard time finding the right one, even when they've found one that's attractive and meets the functional needs. Because carrying around a symbolic vagina, your symbolic vagina, is pretty darn personal.Paula found my epiphany a reasonable theory. She pointed out the purple satin lining inside her purse, shiny and smooth, and how you...

Posted at 01:12 PM | Permalink | Comments

It’s Field Trip Time Again Moms!

10/08/10

It’s Field Trip Time Again Moms!

Chaperoning on a field trip isn’t every woman’s cup of tea: the noise, the confusion, the fact that you have to hold your tongue when you’d like to be frank about some of the behavior that gets ignored.

Posted at 06:26 PM | Permalink | Comments

Girls Still Wanna Have Fun

09/29/10

Girls Still Wanna Have Fun

The wife and I got out of the house last night to see Cyndi Lauper perform at the Oregon Zoo. It was my wife’s idea, and she talked two friends into going, too, and we made a gay old foursome spread out on the lawn with our moisture-proof blankets and low chairs from REI and efficiently packaged food to devour during the two-hour wait while the audience settled before Cyndi took the stage.What I hadn’t realized, getting into this outing, was that we’d be surrounded by former “Material Girls” who had been getting up to no good back when I was dancing atop platforms in bars, and that they’d be all about having fun. Every square inch of organically fertilized lawn was filled with forty- and fifty-something women (a good third of them lesbians) wearing...

Posted at 06:31 PM | Permalink | Comments

Mixing the Old With the New

08/17/10

Mixing the Old With the New

Why turning into your mother may not be a (completely) bad thing.

Posted at 05:01 PM | Permalink | Comments

The Search for Steamin’ Semen

08/12/10

The Search for Steamin’ Semen

Unlike straight couples, we have the ability to make logical choices in our kids’ conception. Their genetic makeup is in your hands—well, his hands—when you choose a sperm donor as a lesbian couple. Whether you go fresh or frozen, consider the following as you take this important step on the path to parenthood. I’ve been there.More unsolicited advice from the Gayby Boom.Make a list of what is important to each of you in a sperm donor. For example: ethnic or physical likeness to the bio or non-bio mom, height-to-weight ratio, hair color, I.Q., athletic or musical ability, education level, age, shoe size, sperm count or availability.Compare lists and prioritize them, creating criteria for choosing from available donors through a sperm bank or for approaching...

Posted at 12:10 PM | Permalink | Comments

How to be a Lesbian Dad

08/02/10

How to be a Lesbian Dad

It’s good to be the Boy-mom, the Dad-Mom or whatever clever moniker your preschooler comes up with to describe his obviously androgynous lesbian mom. Embracing the lesbian dad role lets you teach your child the manly skills he (or she) needs, while being the woman you are. If you’d like to be a lesbian dad (whether or not your child has used the d-word), here are some simple ways to literally get the ball rolling.More unsolicited advice from the Gayby Boom:Play catch with your child. Beg if you have to. If you have non-sporting kids, you’re screwed.Wrestle on the floor with your child, preferably with loud sound effects. Carpeted floors work better than wood, but beware the rug burn.Fix anything that needs fixing in the home using power tools, hand tools, duct tape....

Posted at 03:13 PM | Permalink | Comments

So Ms. McAllister, Could You Say “Parent” Instead of “Mom or Dad”?

07/27/10

So Ms. McAllister, Could You Say “Parent” Instead of “Mom or Dad”?

Don’t you get tired of heterosexism getting shoved down your child’s throat? Modern families come in all shapes and sizes, but the lingo hasn’t caught up to reality. What do you do when your child’s teacher always says “Be sure to tell your mom or dad…” when there isn’t a dad in your family? Asking your child’s teacher to use “parent” is the first step in making your child’s classroom reflect the image of today’s families in positive ways.More unsolicited advice from a Gayby Boomer:Develop a healthy relationship with your child’s teacher from day one—you, your child and the teacher are a team, working together to make the year a positive, educational one.Be clear about your family structure from...

Posted at 04:07 PM | Permalink | Comments

So Who's the Real Mom?

07/19/10

So Who's the Real Mom?

Lesbian motherhood isn't just a one-sided gig, it's for both of you.

Posted at 05:38 PM | Permalink | Comments

 Hints for the Newly At-home Mom

07/02/10

Hints for the Newly At-home Mom

 Okay, so I’ve heard about some new moms who are taking on the at-home lifestyle, and feel emboldened to share my meager expertise (though the last thing a new mom needs is more advice, she’s been assaulted with it every five seconds since conception), and maybe help them avoid my mistakes.Staying home with the kids has risen in status in the last 20 years. Earlier seen as part of a patriarchal system that assigned child-minding to women when they could be putting their talents to better use, being at-home evolved into a status symbol. A luxury item. Like an SUV or a vacation home. Then, when attachment parenting became a cross-economic rage, it became equally cool to stay home with baby as to resume the career after six weeks.But there are hidden dangers in the...

Posted at 06:40 PM | Permalink | Comments: 1

All in the Family

06/15/10

All in the Family

My wife and I drove three hours each way yesterday to attend her grandfather’s 90th birthday celebration. In eastern Washington. In the local Elks’ Lodge. In 91 degree weather that had no business showing up in the middle of June. My laptop just about did a Dali from the heat, and our 7 year-old was limp and sweaty in the back seat.But for heaven’s sake, the man’s turning 90—you gotta celebrate that!The Elks’ Lodge was full of family. My wife’s cousins, aunts, uncles, parents, and third-nephews twice removed. Some of them we see at the annual family reunion (featuring a loosey-goosey trampoline and port-a-potties that gave me nightmares the year I came pregnant and it hit a hit 100 degrees in the shade), so they know about us. We’ve been...

Posted at 06:30 PM | Permalink | Comments

Sweets for the Sweet

06/08/10

Sweets for the Sweet

OK, every parent knows that sugar makes kids go wild, no matter what the American Pediatric Association (or whoever makes decisions for the medical masses) says. A direct dose of sugar enters the system and turns perfectly innocent little children into demons on the spot. French fries don't have the same effect, even if potato and grease is turned into sugars by our digestive system.So theoretically, parents would never allow their children processed sugars except when legally unavoidable, like at birthday parties or wedding receptions. The problem is that we are little children grown up, sort of, and like our processed sugars as much as the next kid. And therefore invent reasons to indulge the kids and ourselves.In our family, we get pretty creative about it. When I introduced the...

Posted at 06:46 PM | Permalink | Comments

Countdown to Summer

06/02/10

Countdown to Summer

My kids are counting the days to summer vacation and telling me about it daily. Sometimes hourly. Our oldest son has senior-itis so bad he can hardly haul his ass out of bed, even though finals are this week. And our youngest son is trying to use the same excuse even though he has no idea what finals are. Our daughter merely recites the statistics several times a day until I want to scream.I’ve been a bitch about this, but I’m trying to be better this year. Summer vacation is not exactly something I look forward to. Some years I’ve just cried in advance. Some years I’ve la-la-la-ed my way through the last month, figuring denial would buy me some more time. Some years I’ve become increasingly cranky until the kids stopped telling me how many days until...

Posted at 12:53 PM | Permalink | Comments

Nonviolent Civil Disobedience Via Facebook

05/18/10

Nonviolent Civil Disobedience Via Facebook

Fortunately I’d heard about the impending WBC appearance at our high school (how dare we have a Gay/Straight Alliance the Westboro Baptist Church attests along with suggesting President Obama might be the Anti-Christ) before receiving the Facebook invite from my son’s girlfriend to attend “Sign-making Party for Civil Disobedience Against God Hates Fags.” At our house. Apparently the latest response to Fred Phelps’ repugnant use of freedom of speech to announce that “God Hates Fags” is to counter-picket with statements like “I love unicorns” and “I have a sign” and “God hates ponies.” This seems odd to me. Random. Suggesting that his words are meaningless drivel instead of hate-speak that encourages acts of...

Posted at 05:59 PM | Permalink | Comments

Shake Things Up a Bit

05/11/10

Shake Things Up a Bit

It was during our Mother’s Day outing yesterday—we ended up scrapping Iron Man 2 in favor of window shopping at Pier 1—when I made my confession. I wanted to shake things up a bit at home. I meant throw pillows, curtains, area rugs, getting rid of three-legged chairs with filthy arms. But I think it took my wife a good half-hour to get her pulse down below a hundred.“Shake things up” can mean so much. I used to move the furniture whenever my wife left town for work. She said I did it so she’d stumble in the door, literally, as some sort of passive-aggressive retribution for being in charge of kids without reprieve. I looked on it as an antidote to cabin fever and the chance to try things out without editorial input.In a marriage, “shake things...

Posted at 01:23 PM | Permalink | Comments

Mother's Day Times Two

05/04/10

Mother's Day Times Two

In theory, having two moms at Mother’s Day means twice the fun! One mom more to celebrate, and a day off in June when everyone else is hustling around at the last minute selecting ties or trying to figure out what Dad would like besides a weekend away from the family.That applies to Moms, too; I’m not being biased. Let’s just say it tops my wish list.In reality, the two mom household thing can get awkward at Mother’s Day. First, in all likelihood, you’re both daughters and have your moms and/or step-moms to think of. Then there is the question of the in-laws—how long do you have to be together before you send your mother-in-law a Mother’s Day card? And then there is the two of you.Who sneaks off with the kids to make sure they do the right...

Posted at 03:41 PM | Permalink | Comments

I Don’t Give a Damn ‘Bout My Bad Reputation

04/29/10

I Don’t Give a Damn ‘Bout My Bad Reputation

You know those theories you had about child-rearing when you didn’t have kids? And then the revised ones once you did?Now we're at that point where we’ve been proven right or wrong about more than a few of those theories—that point where we're nearing the end of one kid’s adolescence and finding ourselves smack dab in the middle of another’s.One of those theories was that honesty is the best policy, pretty much always.Which meant a lot of repeating that we always wanted the truth; even if the kids thought they’d get in trouble, it would be worse if they lied. So we had to be honest, because hypocrisy is the quickest path to a non-compliant kid and a dysfunctional family.Not that there weren’t little white lies about outfits that made us blink,...

Posted at 12:54 PM | Permalink | Comments

Melissa and Tammy Break Up

04/19/10

Melissa and Tammy Break Up

My wife and I used to be major Melissa Etheridge fans; she still is. We’ve seen her in concert three times (the only live music we saw for 15 years), we have all the CDs, and we’ve followed her life story in the tabloids with interest (but didn’t read her book because it might mess with our interpretation of her lyrics). Not only is she incredibly talented, a lesbian rock star, and making middle-age look good, she’s a fellow Gayby Boomer with four, count ‘em, four kids!We felt second-hand pride in Melissa’s capture of Julie Cypher’s heart way back when, and even more in their public production of two beautiful bouncing babies by insemination—we had two ourselves by then—even though I wouldn’t have risked their particular donor....

Posted at 03:57 PM | Permalink | Comments: 1

I Never Promised You a Rose Garden

04/12/10

I Never Promised You a Rose Garden

Photo: Luz Maria EspinozaSoon after my wife and I moved into our house, we had a fight about the rose bushes. There were 27 of them. They were all different colors and types. They were all overgrown and some sick. They had thorns like something out of a Grimm’s fairy tale and we had a preschooler and another on the way. My wife wanted them gone. I was in heaven because all summer and fall I had bouquets of cut flowers in every room. It didn’t bother me that some were yellow and some were pink and some were a funny color of apricot that many might consider orange.It was one of our more serious fights, up there with the motorcycle one and the vintage acquisition one; or maybe I just think it was serious because I caved. My wife probably has a whole different list of serious...

Posted at 06:40 PM | Permalink | Comments

Lesbian Teens and Sleepovers

04/05/10

Lesbian Teens and Sleepovers

I was recently asked my opinion on a parenting quandary. A friend wanted to know: do you think it’s OK for my gay teenage daughter to have sleepovers with her girlfriend at my house? Would you allow it at yours?My first response is, “Hell no, I’d be driving that girl home just like I would a boyfriend, and no hanging out in bedrooms either, even with the door open, and if they’re hanging out in our basement TV room, I have a moral obligation to walk through at least three times while they’re entwined on the sofa, to make sure the clothes stay on.”Draconian, eh? Experienced, maybe. Though, by the time I brought a girl home and had sex with her in my mom’s house I was 19 (and in my third year at college), and had been having sex in boys’...

Posted at 01:17 PM | Permalink | Comments

No Breaking Over Spring Break

03/30/10

No Breaking Over Spring Break

Spring break is a highly overrated occasion in this culture. I only know about the overindulging-slash-beach blanket bingo notion of this week off from school because my wife went to graduate school in Daytona Beach, Florida, Mecca for spring break hedonists nation-wide. Not watching television can really leave you out of the loop.Needless to say, we didn’t raise our kids with high expectations for the nine free days they had each March; they were in need of rest from the rigors of academia and we, the parents, were about ready for the loony bin after surviving the usual long winter of holidays, birthdays, colds, flus, and endless rain.It was a few years ago that we bought a tent trailer and made spring break an occasion.An occasion our older kids viewed with horror.But what else...

Posted at 11:35 AM | Permalink | Comments

Don’t Bait the Mama Bear

03/22/10

Don’t Bait the Mama Bear

I was bonding with another mom from our younger son’s class awhile back and I confessed a guilty secret: I sometimes wish a stranger would make a rude remark about our son just so I could have the opportunity to lash out and release some of my pent up rage from all the remarks I’ve let pass. And she admitted to feeling the same thing.It’s pure protective Mama Bear ire at anyone threatening our young and obviously not exclusive to the parents of special needs kids. We just get some doozies in the supermarket, or at the doctor’s office, or in any educational setting where non-professionals are put in a teaching position (think co-op preschools).Every parent seems to get a healthy dose of this urge; the same drive that makes otherwise rational people throw...

Posted at 06:14 PM | Permalink | Comments

Playing the Queer Card

03/19/10

Playing the Queer Card

When my wife and I were starting out as parents together, same-sex parenting was so rare, we’d have to spell it out to people—“We are both his moms, we had him together”—and they’d get this look on their faces and say “Oh!” or “oh…” depending on whether they’d decided they were for us or against us. Sometimes they didn’t get it at all and we’d have to say, “We’re les-bi-ans,” and it was so early in the Gayby Boom that seemingly intelligent people would ask us how we managed to get hold of a baby.Now, of course, we’re ubiquitous. You can’t throw a rock in Portland without hitting a public park or a queer parent, but it’s still enough of a novelty that the powers that...

Posted at 05:05 PM | Permalink | Comments

Not By the Hairs on My Chinny Chin-Chin

03/08/10

Not By the Hairs on My Chinny Chin-Chin

Teenagers are breathtakingly honest when it comes to their appraisal of your shortcomings as a parent, as a human, as a participant on the planet. This starts right about eleven, when girls are suddenly getting periods before breasts have put in an appearance and boys are surrounded by silverback apes in the changing room when they should all be trading Pokemon cards.So perhaps it is understandable that when I commented on our teenager’s peach fuzz a few years back, “Your mustache is coming along nicely,” he answered, “So is yours.”That would be around the time I tried every waxing technique available and invested in an electric razor. Damn him.They don’t hold back. If they don’t like your new shirt, the lip curls, your new car,...

Posted at 06:12 PM | Permalink | Comments

Round the Clock with Caffeine

03/02/10

Round the Clock with Caffeine

My mother tells me she was never tired until she was 35, that she had lots of energy and could go, go, go. And, considering she had two small businesses, two teenage daughters and my deadbeat dad split when she was thirty-five, would explain the shift. What I don’t get is how she wasn’t exhausted before. I’m thinking it was all that coffee.I mean, the two biggest things that hit you after having kids is that you’re dumber than you thought you were (and will continue to degrade intellectually until your children are about 26), and you had tons of time and energy before having them.Which is when adequate sleeps goes out the window, and caffeine comes in the door.They should just write us a prescription for speed in the maternity unit or upon adopting, because we...

Posted at 04:44 PM | Permalink | Comments

The World According to Lego

02/22/10

The World According to Lego

My wife and I hadn’t realized that Lego were de rigueur before having a little boy. We’d been under the mistaken impression that Lego were optional. That it was an acceptable option to have our floor not become a landmine field of sharp objects awaiting our unsuspecting bare feet. That taking an hour to retrieve tiny arms, Han Solo’s hairpiece and the Goblet of Fire before being able to vacuum was something we could avoid.We were mistaken.Lego arrived long before our first son was able to make use of them. He was what the pediatrician called “orally fixated” and didn’t stop putting strange things in his mouth until roughly seventeen, so we didn’t dare release him on Legos until his trachea was wider than a Lego human head and he was at least...

Posted at 03:49 PM | Permalink | Comments

The Many Uses of a Minivan

02/16/10

The Many Uses of a Minivan

Desperation can be an excellent motivation for creativity, adaptation, and using things in an off-label manner (think Benadryl).Our minivan is another example. It’s a typical eight-seater with the most space for stuff our modest budget could buy back in 2003, when it became our first “new” vehicle ever and replaced a white Jeep Wagoneer I loved to drive (it made me feel macha, adamantine and bullet-proof) but couldn’t pass the DEQ exhaust test to save its life.So our destiny as minivan mamas was sealed.My wife test-drove it, even though we all knew I’d be the one ferrying folks around town and hauling groceries home from Costco. Salesmen make me nervous, and driving a strange car while struggling with anxiety is not my idea of a good time. But I went along...

Posted at 01:18 PM | Permalink | Comments

Love is the Sweetest Thing

02/10/10

Love is the Sweetest Thing

Love is in the air, or so the people who sell products based on February 14th would have us believe. That cupid and his puny arrow will strike if you supply enough chocolate, nasty underwear, diamonds, candy hearts or folded sheets of cardstock with “Be Mine” italicized in Arial script. Valentine’s Day has never seemed like a big deal to me. I got my first period on Valentine’s Day. The association stuck, despite thirty-two years to just get over it.Love, however, is a big deal to me in whatever form: familial, romantic, maternal, gastronomic, you name it.Love for a baby is a tsunami of emotion, mowing down everything in its path. The smell of your baby hits you like a ton of pheromonal bricks, making you willing to lose sleep with a smile, breast feed with...

Posted at 04:22 PM | Permalink | Comments

Kids and Pets

02/03/10

Kids and Pets

We’ve had a lot of pets, and they’re my doing. There would be no animals here if my wife was on her own; she couldn’t take care of them—she can’t suck algae water to save her life or pick up poop if she was paid for it; even remembering food and water would be a stretch.But she hooked up with Dr. Dolittle. So we have pets. I think they’re good for kids.My spouse expected it. I’d worked in a pet store during high school; a job most teens would dump after two months because it wasn’t worth the minimum wage, but I cleaned cages for three years. I was totally more willing to stick my head into a cage full of flying, screeching, defecating budgerigars than work food service.But my pet shop experience has given our kids an unfortunate out when...

Posted at 05:23 PM | Permalink | Comments

 Birthday Season

01/25/10

Birthday Season

We have no one to blame but ourselves. We knew what we were doing. And we were smart enough to do the math. We just weren’t optimistic that things were going to work out first time, twice. Even heterosexuals working with the freshest materials take six months on average to conceive. And by the third kid, any birthday would do, as long as there was a birth to celebrate.Lesbians have options when it comes to planning the birthday calendar, when insemination is involved. You can try for the astrological signs you’d most like to live with for the next eighteen years, though Mother Nature and reproductive technology can interfere with the best laid plans, and maybe a Scorpio will turn out to be just what you needed in some kind of Karmic destiny.I should just be happy we...

Posted at 05:54 PM | Permalink | Comments

 Preferred Provider or Dogmeat Mom?

01/19/10

Preferred Provider or Dogmeat Mom?

The good thing about having a two-mom family is that you have someone to share the load, the love and the litany of requests that your offspring pelt you with everyday.The bad thing is that chances are, one of you will end up the Dog Meat Mom (also known as the Chopped Liver Mom), and one of you the Mom of Choice (also known as the Preferred Provider). Especially if one of you breastfeeds or stays home with the kids, and the other works full-time.    The bummer for the Dog Meat Mom is how often biology seems to blame for the role. Often, early on, she is the Non-Bio Mom or Stud-Mother, especially if there is breastfeeding involved. I mean, who wouldn’t prefer breast to bottle, even if you have to cry your lungs out to get your way, your Bio-Mom doesn’t...

Posted at 12:51 PM | Permalink | Comments

Social Studies

01/11/10

Social Studies

Anthropologists and social historians of the future are going to know a lot about our era, even if they can’t figure out the traces of Twitter, Facebook, email and cell phones left behind, when technology has advanced so far they’ve become electronic dinosaurs and extinct.Thanks in good part to the self-help book.I’m a big believer in the literal page. In holding a book between my hands when I lie in bed or soak in a tub with water so hot my skin turns red and the walls sweat. I have faith that ebooks won’t take away their unique place in the human scheme, and that self-help books, ubiquitous ever since The Peter Principle and What Color is My Parachute?, will continue as long as human beings give a damn.Especially self-help books for parents, who are sure they...

Posted at 06:34 PM | Permalink | Comments

Getting Disgusting at the Table

01/04/10

Getting Disgusting at the Table

Frankly, one of the things I was thinking of least when considering our compatibility as co-parents, was my wife and my level of tolerance for grossness or rude behavior. Yes, there were the obvious disgusting parts: who will be changing the diapers and will they retch every time they do so? Do either parties sneer at spit up, have difficulty with blood, or blanch at mucus? But beyond this my mind did not venture. And I didn’t even think about getting used to the word “fart.”Actually, we were both pretty weak in the stomach when we were starting out; my spouse has always admitted a hair-trigger gag reflex and I was easy prey to my sadistic older sister who could reduce me to a nauseated masse with a few well chosen words on bodily fluids. But when we got down to brass...

Posted at 04:43 PM | Permalink | Comments