Gayby Boom

03/14/11

On Being Femme V. Female

I love being a woman. Okay, one might say, this is a no-brainer—I am one after all. But there are many women who are envious of male attributes: the ability to pee standing up, fewer rules about staying out late during adolescence, being able to drink more with less impact, and they would be willing to forgo femaleness for a few days in order to enjoy the benefits of being a boy.

Posted at 11:32 PM | Permalink | Comments: 3

02/02/11

Foodies Took All the Joy Out of Cooking

Within days of deciding that my spouse was “the one” a couple decades ago, I went out and bought The Joy of Cooking. It was like screaming to the rooftop—“I want to be this woman’s wife!” And since being a wife meant somewhere along the way I needed to provide a meal, I bought the one cookbook I knew could help.I grew up with The Joy of Cooking. It said how to do stuff. What temperature to use. What to expect. And we had the war-era one that used margarine instead of butter and expected that you didn’t have ingredients to spare and wanted to cook frugally. We did! The only other cookbook I’d ever used was The I Hate to Cook Book by Peg Bracken. Good cookie recipes.The thing you need to know is that when I met my wife I had one pan. I...

Posted at 05:56 PM | Permalink | Comments: 1

01/26/11

The Ripple Effect

It started with the new furniture, became more complicated when the tree left the building, and the lamps were the straw that broke the camel’s back. Whatever the precipitating factors, we’re experiencing the Ripple Effect in a big way around here, and I only hope the tsunami stops soon.The Ripple Effect is that thing that happens when you change anything in the household. Like when you add the Christmas tree (if that is your celebration of choice), you have to upset the delicate balance of objets d’art that adorn your home, because there simply would not be room otherwise. No one would be able to see the tree for the forest of stuff surrounding it.The trouble is that when you attempt to regain spatial equilibrium after the pine needles are swept up, it never fits the...

Posted at 08:25 PM | Permalink | Comments: 1

12/08/10

If Anyone Needs a Brazilian, it’s Not the Dog

The only person in our household who gets his or her hair cut professionally isn’t a person. It’s our white fluff-ball of a dog. She’s the one who gets her nails done, her hair washed and trimmed, and apparently, such a close shave around her private parts that my wife was spurred to comment on the undesirability of a Brazilian wax on a dog.“Do I need to see that much of her… No!” she (my spouse, not the dog) snorted, averting her eyes from the dog’s unnecessarily naked rear.I think the groomer got a little carried away this time. Usually it is less of a wax-job and more of a trim. Much less raw. The dog looks like she’s ready to pose for “Playdog” or “Doghouse” or maybe Cosmo in a thong.The rest of us are far more...

Posted at 02:49 PM | Permalink | Comments: 1

11/29/10

My Life as a Dog

Photo: Denise Thuler/stockxchng Obviously, the first thing that comes to mind is that I’m a real bitch. But that’s not the kind of dog I’m talking about. Even though I’m sure it is sometimes true. As well as that I can be a real dog; just look at me every morning before makeup. Scary.In this case I’m talking about the strange transformation from breed to breed I’ve undergone during my stages of motherhood. My wife has somehow remained human, but then she has a “real job” and leaves the homestead on a regular basis, so she has to maintain a semblance of humanity.Not me, apparently. When our older two kids were little, I was nicknamed “The Safety Queen” for my obvious concern about the life and limb of our beloved offspring....

Posted at 08:48 PM | Permalink | Comments: 0

11/15/10

Ask Anything

I got an email from a 19-year-old nephew recently which started out with the unlikely statement, “I have some interesting questions concerning being a lesbian.”Now, while I’ve known some men who claim to be lesbians at heart (in a sincere way) and others who claim to be lesbians in practice (in a slimy way), and since my young relative was at a university he could have been claiming to be a LUG (lesbian until graduation), but I didn’t think this was where he was going.A belief justified by his next statement: “A girl in my dormitory hall has recently embraced her homosexuality, or has suddenly entered her sexual peak. She likens what she is feeling to the 15 year-old boy who is engrossed with every cute girl he sees.”He follows with the suggestion...

Posted at 03:47 PM | Permalink | Comments: 1

11/11/10

What the World Needs Right Now is Kermit the Frog

I haven’t been able to bring myself to write about the recent spate of suicides by LGBT youth because of bullying. It is both so devastating and seemingly inevitable in our world that there are times that denial is necessary to survive. I’ve hoped that this kind of bullying was being addressed, that there was enough support for our youth out there that they could escape middle school and high school, if not unscathed, at least alive.What we need right now is a message from Kermit to change the way the world is. I’m a big fan of Kermit the Frog. Really. Not only because Sesame Street opened the world for kids all over America to see that we are many and various and worthwhile. But because Kermit the Frog was an Everyman who believed that being different was, if not...

Posted at 09:31 PM | Permalink | Comments: 0

10/19/10

Vaginas Equal Purses: Part II

Apparently, the suggestion that a woman’s purse equals her vagina struck a chord with some women (and a couple men) because I heard much musing upon the subject, including a long list of women wondering what their purses said about them:Question: What does it mean that I’ve just bought a semi-distressed brown leather bag?Answer: That you’ve just given birth and you’re probably semi-distressed down there.Question: What does it mean that I’ve had the same purse for a decade and it was made by Indonesian garbage pickers from found materials?Answer: Totally a phoenix from the ashes thing, your sexuality made up of the gems of your history carried into the present. Or maybe that you're global, green self is awesome.Question: What does it mean when you’re a...

Posted at 06:14 PM | Permalink | Comments: 0

10/12/10

I Had an Epiphany Last Night

This is probably a no-brainer for the rest of western civilization. Everyone has likely made this leap of logic and symbolism. But it was new for me. While I was sitting on the zoo lawn waiting to listen to Cyndi Lauper sing the blues, I glanced at our friend Paula's new purse (she'd been showing it to me earlier) and it struck me: Purse = Vagina.I had an "Ah ha!" moment; so this is why women find purses so important, and why they have a hard time finding the right one, even when they've found one that's attractive and meets the functional needs. Because carrying around a symbolic vagina, your symbolic vagina, is pretty darn personal.Paula found my epiphany a reasonable theory. She pointed out the purple satin lining inside her purse, shiny and smooth, and how you...

Posted at 01:12 PM | Permalink | Comments: 0

10/08/10

It’s Field Trip Time Again Moms!

Chaperoning on a field trip isn’t every woman’s cup of tea: the noise, the confusion, the fact that you have to hold your tongue when you’d like to be frank about some of the behavior that gets ignored.

Posted at 06:26 PM | Permalink | Comments: 0

	03/14/11 On Being Femme V. Female I love being a woman. Okay, one might say, this is a no-brainer—I am one after all. But there are many women who are envious of male attributes: the ability to pee standing up, fewer rules about staying out late during adolescence, being able to drink more with less impact, and they would be willing to forgo femaleness for a few days in order to enjoy the benefits of being a boy. Posted at 11:32 PM \| Permalink \| Comments: 3
	02/02/11 Foodies Took All the Joy Out of Cooking Within days of deciding that my spouse was “the one” a couple decades ago, I went out and bought The Joy of Cooking. It was like screaming to the rooftop—“I want to be this woman’s wife!” And since being a wife meant somewhere along the way I needed to provide a meal, I bought the one cookbook I knew could help.I grew up with The Joy of Cooking. It said how to do stuff. What temperature to use. What to expect. And we had the war-era one that used margarine instead of butter and expected that you didn’t have ingredients to spare and wanted to cook frugally. We did! The only other cookbook I’d ever used was The I Hate to Cook Book by Peg Bracken. Good cookie recipes.The thing you need to know is that when I met my wife I had one pan. I... Posted at 05:56 PM \| Permalink \| Comments: 1
	01/26/11 The Ripple Effect It started with the new furniture, became more complicated when the tree left the building, and the lamps were the straw that broke the camel’s back. Whatever the precipitating factors, we’re experiencing the Ripple Effect in a big way around here, and I only hope the tsunami stops soon.The Ripple Effect is that thing that happens when you change anything in the household. Like when you add the Christmas tree (if that is your celebration of choice), you have to upset the delicate balance of objets d’art that adorn your home, because there simply would not be room otherwise. No one would be able to see the tree for the forest of stuff surrounding it.The trouble is that when you attempt to regain spatial equilibrium after the pine needles are swept up, it never fits the... Posted at 08:25 PM \| Permalink \| Comments: 1
	12/08/10 If Anyone Needs a Brazilian, it’s Not the Dog The only person in our household who gets his or her hair cut professionally isn’t a person. It’s our white fluff-ball of a dog. She’s the one who gets her nails done, her hair washed and trimmed, and apparently, such a close shave around her private parts that my wife was spurred to comment on the undesirability of a Brazilian wax on a dog.“Do I need to see that much of her… No!” she (my spouse, not the dog) snorted, averting her eyes from the dog’s unnecessarily naked rear.I think the groomer got a little carried away this time. Usually it is less of a wax-job and more of a trim. Much less raw. The dog looks like she’s ready to pose for “Playdog” or “Doghouse” or maybe Cosmo in a thong.The rest of us are far more... Posted at 02:49 PM \| Permalink \| Comments: 1
	11/29/10 My Life as a Dog Photo: Denise Thuler/stockxchng Obviously, the first thing that comes to mind is that I’m a real bitch. But that’s not the kind of dog I’m talking about. Even though I’m sure it is sometimes true. As well as that I can be a real dog; just look at me every morning before makeup. Scary.In this case I’m talking about the strange transformation from breed to breed I’ve undergone during my stages of motherhood. My wife has somehow remained human, but then she has a “real job” and leaves the homestead on a regular basis, so she has to maintain a semblance of humanity.Not me, apparently. When our older two kids were little, I was nicknamed “The Safety Queen” for my obvious concern about the life and limb of our beloved offspring.... Posted at 08:48 PM \| Permalink \| Comments: 0
	11/15/10 Ask Anything I got an email from a 19-year-old nephew recently which started out with the unlikely statement, “I have some interesting questions concerning being a lesbian.”Now, while I’ve known some men who claim to be lesbians at heart (in a sincere way) and others who claim to be lesbians in practice (in a slimy way), and since my young relative was at a university he could have been claiming to be a LUG (lesbian until graduation), but I didn’t think this was where he was going.A belief justified by his next statement: “A girl in my dormitory hall has recently embraced her homosexuality, or has suddenly entered her sexual peak. She likens what she is feeling to the 15 year-old boy who is engrossed with every cute girl he sees.”He follows with the suggestion... Posted at 03:47 PM \| Permalink \| Comments: 1
	11/11/10 What the World Needs Right Now is Kermit the Frog I haven’t been able to bring myself to write about the recent spate of suicides by LGBT youth because of bullying. It is both so devastating and seemingly inevitable in our world that there are times that denial is necessary to survive. I’ve hoped that this kind of bullying was being addressed, that there was enough support for our youth out there that they could escape middle school and high school, if not unscathed, at least alive.What we need right now is a message from Kermit to change the way the world is. I’m a big fan of Kermit the Frog. Really. Not only because Sesame Street opened the world for kids all over America to see that we are many and various and worthwhile. But because Kermit the Frog was an Everyman who believed that being different was, if not... Posted at 09:31 PM \| Permalink \| Comments: 0
	10/19/10 Vaginas Equal Purses: Part II Apparently, the suggestion that a woman’s purse equals her vagina struck a chord with some women (and a couple men) because I heard much musing upon the subject, including a long list of women wondering what their purses said about them:Question: What does it mean that I’ve just bought a semi-distressed brown leather bag?Answer: That you’ve just given birth and you’re probably semi-distressed down there.Question: What does it mean that I’ve had the same purse for a decade and it was made by Indonesian garbage pickers from found materials?Answer: Totally a phoenix from the ashes thing, your sexuality made up of the gems of your history carried into the present. Or maybe that you're global, green self is awesome.Question: What does it mean when you’re a... Posted at 06:14 PM \| Permalink \| Comments: 0
	10/12/10 I Had an Epiphany Last Night This is probably a no-brainer for the rest of western civilization. Everyone has likely made this leap of logic and symbolism. But it was new for me. While I was sitting on the zoo lawn waiting to listen to Cyndi Lauper sing the blues, I glanced at our friend Paula's new purse (she'd been showing it to me earlier) and it struck me: Purse = Vagina.I had an "Ah ha!" moment; so this is why women find purses so important, and why they have a hard time finding the right one, even when they've found one that's attractive and meets the functional needs. Because carrying around a symbolic vagina, your symbolic vagina, is pretty darn personal.Paula found my epiphany a reasonable theory. She pointed out the purple satin lining inside her purse, shiny and smooth, and how you... Posted at 01:12 PM \| Permalink \| Comments: 0
	10/08/10 It’s Field Trip Time Again Moms! Chaperoning on a field trip isn’t every woman’s cup of tea: the noise, the confusion, the fact that you have to hold your tongue when you’d like to be frank about some of the behavior that gets ignored. Posted at 06:26 PM \| Permalink \| Comments: 0

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