Feb 12, 2014
01:13 AM
EmbarrasScene Moments
EmbarrasScene-Moments

PREPARE YOURSELF

PREPARE YOURSELF

Depression.

 

Depression is anger turned inward. And goodness, you have a lot to be angry about!

If you are an average lesbian, you’re probably gearing up for a deep depression come Valentine’s Day this Friday. You’re probably going feel bad because you are single on Valentines Day, or, because you’re in an unsatisfactory relationship. Really, you just can’t win.

But let’s set our relationship status or lack thereof aside for a moment and talk about what a wagon-full of donkey doo-doo Valentine’s Day is. Single or not, the pressure is so extreme to participate in this capitalistic holiday that you might experience increased feelings of self-loathing, or worse yet, try to buy some woman (who won’t give you the time of day) an assorted box of nuts & chews with the last of your food stamps.

Nothing says “I Love You” like a box of candy with aloof, slobbery nibbles on each and every piece.

And I don’t know about you, but something like that makes me pretty angry! So angry it’s hard to get out my pajamas and face the day!

Consequently, this is a call-to-action to my lesbian sisters, single, coupled, or swinging singles and couples: I want you to turn your depression inside out and GIRLCOTT VALENTINE’S DAY. There are countless ways to do that, and if you are mentally numb from a lifetime of sexual discrimination, I can suggest several things:

 

1. If you are half-way responsible and at least been able to get a part-time job, go to your local pet shelter and adopt a live animal, rather than buying a Plush Teddy Bear with a big red heart on it’s chest that was assembled by oppressed women and children over-seas.

2. If you are lucky enough to have access to a sexual partner, cut to the chase and bang the living daylights out of each other rather than spending an excess of money and feeding corporate greed with a ceremonial romantic dinner at the Outback Steakhouse. (Although the Awesome Blossom is an excellent fried-food choice for emotional eating!)

3. Rather than spend money giving yourself flowers, spend the day in rigorous self-examination: Why are you only attracted to unavailable women? Why do you fall in love with every straight female roommate you have? Why do you care so much about marriage equality when you can’t even get a date?

And for myself? I will be in New York City this Friday, where I will wait outside the stage door of The Grand Ballroom at The Manhattan Center. Eve Ensler will be there and I hear she might be reading excerpt from “The Vagina Monologues.” I’m determined, and for all, to pin her down and find out why she won’t interview me about my vagina. And if I find out it’s because of those stalker allegations, I’m going to have a fit – they just aren’t true!

 

Sisters, I ask you, if that’s not the spunkiest way to turn depression around, what is?

 

Sexy Hugs,

Doris

 

Ms. Anderson is the Executive Director of the Self-Identified Lesbian Community Center. Questions? Concerns? Feel free to email her at Self-Identifiedlcc@gmail.com

About This Blog

Lisa Haas is a comedy writer based in Brooklyn, NY. Her twisted-queer performance pieces have been seen in NYC, nationally and internationally. Some of those pieces include In HeatI Sit in the Café, and Stacked: A Deviant Doctoral Dissertation. She is also the co-author of the sketch comedy Rita & Inez: The True Queens of Femininity. A recipient of a Jerome Foundation Fellowship, she developed her solo comedy Crown Hill Cemetery, which was in the Piccolo Spoleto Festival, the Orlando International Fringe Festival and toured the Toronto, Winnipeg and Vancouver fringe festivals in 2009

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