Love Advice

Advice from the Lesbian Love Doctor.



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Dear Dr. Frankie: No matter how well I treat my partner, how much I love her, she always seems to have "friends" in the picture. It's almost like she needs them for "just in case" or maybe to make herself feel better. I'm in a situation I can't figure out.

I am in a situation that I'm so trying to figure out. I have known and been in the life of a certain woman for over 15yrs. I realized that no matter how good I could be to her, how much I could love her, she always seemed to have "friends" in the picture, ie, women and/or men who really wanted more out of her but she'd say no, they could only be friends. It was almost like she needed them for "just in case" or maybe to make herself feel better. Of course, I don't know that for certain but I always wondered about it.

To make things short, I became very guarded of my feelings, I was afraid she'd hurt me. If I questioned her about all of these extraneous people, she would tell me I had nothing to worry about, she was faithful to me. But the flirting and pushing things to the very edge just made me feel bad and afraid of being hurt and I pulled back emotionally. I've never stopped loving her. I travel with her, go to concerts and outings, share new social experiences and great restaurants, etc,etc. I send her flowers to cheer her up or send a message to make her laugh or smile if I know things are going rough. I'll surprise her with getaways, presents, whatever, or simply hang out with a bottle of wine and some quiet time, the things you do when you love and care for someone. I have showed my love through actions, I've respected her, cared for her, is that not what one does? I asked her could we work on things, I missed how we used to be.........now she has got feelings" for a woman she met on a dating site. She told me she liked this woman but there is a great deal of drama associated with this person and she doesn't trust her.............Blindsided, didn't now she was looking for anyone and she thought I lost interest in her as my partner. We realized some things weren't discussed but I feel like I showed her over and over where my heart was when it came to her-maybe that was my mistake, now I'm hating where I'm at.

We have sat and talked because I was devastated - I thought we were working on us and she's been talking to this woman. She told me she does love me and she doesn't want to let me go.  She has apologized for the pain she's caused. I still have love for this woman, I can't lie. I am trying so hard to be strong, push her out of my heart but it isn't that easy after all these years.  I'm not a drama queen, I work hard, am a professional and I love life and people. I'm very easy-going and laid back, I listen well, not quick to give advice. She enjoys those qualities about me but she said she got mixed up with this new person before she realized I wanted "us" back. She keeps telling me she is interested in working things out - what should I do? I have been giving her space, doing things by myself, not allowing any circumstances to occur that puts me in their company. I have decided not to call or text, to allow her to do that. I figure that the more I try to strengthen myself, the better off I'll be emotionally. I just am not ready to say goodbye to her yet, Dr. Frankie. What do I do? I don't want to hang on to promises, I know how that can be.  Any words of wisdom? 

Thank you for your time,

Roz

  

Dear Roz:

I’m going to be blunt here: We show people how to treat us by what we allow, what we stop and what we reinforce. You are allowing this woman of 15 years to get all the benefits, love, support, flowers and companionship without actually committing to you and asking for what you deserve (love, support, flowers and companionship). The fact that you’ve always “wondered” about all the “friends” that she’s kept around her, is a large red flag that you should be honoring and paying attention to.

Feeling blindsided by her admission that she has feelings for someone else is entirely understandable, but how are you not frustrated and hurt by the fact that she was on a dating site in the first place? Someone committed to you, someone working on the relationship does not go onto dating sites. It sounds to me like not only are you allowing her to behave badly, but you’re also not being entirely clear with her and what *you* want. And if you are (“It’s not okay with me that you are going on dating sites,”) and she continues to do so, then you have your solution: Do you really want to stay with someone who disrespects your requests?

I understand the not being ready to say goodbye. You’ve invested a lot of time, love and effort into this relationship and it is significant. However, I ask you this: What do YOU want? How do you want your relationship to be? What do YOU deserve in a relationship?

For example, a request could go like this: “In order for me to feel safe in this relationship, I can not tolerate or allow you to continue to online date.” Set a time goal. She must do this for six months? Three months? Figure out what is acceptable to you. Then, go forth.

Does she respect your request or does she make excuses. Again, it’s up to you to show her how to treat you.

I encourage you to not be afraid. You are afraid of losing her. You are afraid of the pain you’ll feel if you’re not with her. You are worth more. You are absolutely worth a woman interpreting all those love actions as just that: love. You deserve to see your love reflected back to you. Think about you needs and stay strong to yourself. Walk into the fear and not away from it.

 

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