Libido Wanted: Dead Or Alive

Cat got your tongue?


Okay, what is going on in Orange Is The New Black?  Season 4 is starting in June. What are those lusty lesbians up to now? Ruby Rose will steal your heart and leave you in the shoe. I love women in prison. Chapman and Alex, Crazy Eyes and Red. Watching the series makes you want to go to prison. 

I am happy to say I have broken out of my prison sentence with my last GF.  I was chained to her and her prison bedside manner was not all that nice. She had me locked up in her 3rd floor apt. I felt like I was in The Room. I was just another girlfriend to her. Someone to be serviced and then left alone until she comes back for more. I actually started suffering from Stockholm syndrome. She was my kidnapper and I started to believe and empathize with her. I finally realized I wasn’t in love, I was incarcerated.

I’m dating a married lady now, but I live in Rhode Island so it doesn’t matter. We have different rules in rural RI – anything goes.

No, she is sweet and funny and fun and has kids and is getting a divorce and moving out and… Oh my god what have I gotten myself into? She is crazy with the sex – I mean an animal – those straight ladies are – yikes – she is like a vixen with long blond wavy hair. She looks like Venus on the half shell – and she is a bombshell. 

I gotta admit it is tough for me to handle. I’m trying to get my butch back after my time in captivity. But my butchness comes out and goes away like the groundhog seeing its shadow and then disappearing for a week. She is not happy with her little Gemini butch-to-femme ground hog. It is tough to be the femme for the first time in my life and now go back to being the butch. So she is being the butch. It is embarrassing. My libido is just not up to par. Maybe it was fucked out of me. I might have lost my libido. I think I did. I’ve got to get it back. So, I put up posters around town: “Lost Libido. If found, please return. Wanted Dead or Alive.”

How do you lose your libido? I still have my eggs. I still make estrogen. I still masturbate to go to sleep at night.  But then if I take too long I start to get really depressed just thinking, “Damn I don‘t even love me anymore.” I hate it when I get loud masturbating – like I don’t think it is going to be any good and all of a sudden I am howling into my pillow. Or have you ever masturbated and found out that the cat has been watching and stalking and suddenly pounces with sharp claws thinking there is a mouse under those covers? What the …? “Back off Boots, this is not Hello Kitty under here.” Meeouch!


Poppy will be with her Queer Queens of Qomedy in Texas July 10th-17th

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Poppy Champlin is a veteran comic who is crackerjack at improvising with her audience.  A Graduate of the University of Rhode Island with a BFA in Theatre – Poppy hit the ground running.  She hit Chicago and trained at Second City Training Center while performing and honing her craft of standup at comedy clubs such as Catch a Rising Star, The Improv, The Funny Firm and Zanies.  Her Television credits include: The Oprah Winfrey Show, The Joan Rivers Show, Rosie O’Donnell’s VH-1 – Comedy Central, Showtime and LOGO to name a few.  Poppy is also a producer of her own all lesbian touring comedy show called The Queer Queens of Qomedy. A regular performer in P-Town, and on Olivia cruises Poppy now resides in Rhode Island. 

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