Duty Calls

A lesbian comedian's adventures in the military and abroad.


Julian Simmonds

I have traveled all around the world doing comedy, from Tahiti to South Africa, to Russia, France, Alaska, Korea and all over the United States. 

In 2002 I worked for the Department of Defense.  They flew me to Okinawa, Japan. I was so excited; I thought it was going to be like a USO Bob Hope tour. I was sorely mistaken. I was on an air force base but that’s where the similarities ended. 

There wasn’t a big crowd at the show, very small, not actually even big enough to be considered a crowd, a gathering perhaps. We were in this little bar, no seats, just people milling around drinking beer in the dark. I tried to entertain them but they didn’t even seem to notice I was there. It was a very disappointing gig for me. 

But, I felt like I was there to serve my country and to do my duty, so, I did a soldier. She was cute.

I usually go for the butch ones in uniform, but take my advice; don’t date the drill sergeant. They are crazy.  And if you do, don’t ask and definitely don’t tell. It was late, we were having sex and she started counting her own strokes: “One two three, one two three four!” Oh no she didn’t. I gave it right back; I said “To the left, to the left, to the left right left.” Don’t mess with a comedian.  

Japan has quite a different culture than us. On the transfer bus from Narita airport to Tokyo airport we stopped at a roadside rest area and of course I had to go check out their fast food places and experience their restrooms. Wow. 

There was literally a hole in the floor that you squatted over and did your business into. No toilet paper, no paper towel to dry hands with. Hmm, not feeling the Buddha warrior. But I was holding a good crow pose, or one of those yoga positions. 

It should be called downward doing poo. Anyway, that done, I go into this restaurant and they were making these fried balls of cream. I’m assuming it was like a crispy cream donut. So I ordered one in my non-existent Japanese – ooos aregato – Nagasaki - one please. They give me a bag of these Japanese donuts and I give them my money. They watch as I take one of these little dough boys out of the wax bag and bite into it. 

When I tell you this cream was hot, I am talking molten lava from the volcano of Kilimanjaro hot! I was screaming and spitting and yelling and they were looking at me like I was Godzilla. Then they were laughing and pointing and giggling in their polite respectful way. Aauuugh – Namaste, and I’m-ma not-a staying here any more.  


Poppy will be performing at Camp Rehoboth Women Fest April 8-9th    

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About This Blog

Poppy Champlin is a veteran comic who is crackerjack at improvising with her audience.  A Graduate of the University of Rhode Island with a BFA in Theatre – Poppy hit the ground running.  She hit Chicago and trained at Second City Training Center while performing and honing her craft of standup at comedy clubs such as Catch a Rising Star, The Improv, The Funny Firm and Zanies.  Her Television credits include: The Oprah Winfrey Show, The Joan Rivers Show, Rosie O’Donnell’s VH-1 – Comedy Central, Showtime and LOGO to name a few.  Poppy is also a producer of her own all lesbian touring comedy show called The Queer Queens of Qomedy. A regular performer in P-Town, and on Olivia cruises Poppy now resides in Rhode Island. 

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