The Dating Decode
Many of us are conditioned to believe that our life partners will organically fall into our laps.
As a professional lesbian matchmaker, I've worked with hundreds of women seeking "The One," and I've heard their idea of a perfect mate described to me again and again:
“My perfect match has a great sense of humor, likes adventure, travel and fun, but is also down to earth. She's reasonably fit, emotionally intelligent,and financially secure.She's supportive, but independent; responsible, but spontaneous; and is open to a healthy, loving, long-term relationship.”
Great! But then I'm immediately asked, "Where is she? Does she even exist? Am I asking too much?"The good news is, the woman you want to meet is waiting to meet you, too.So, why haven't you found her yet?
Many of us are conditioned to believe that our life partners will organically fall into our laps with little effort on our part. Any sort of “plan” to find a partner feels contrived, transactional and decidedly unromantic. We passively leave the biggest part of our happiness to chemistry, chance, and the universe, while we concentrate on our jobs, our routines, and everything that's comfortable and keeps us occupied.
When I started my lesbian dating service, Little Gay Book in 2009, I listened to women express the same dating struggles: They’re too busy, they're uncertain where the women are, their type of woman is impossible to find, they have no idea how to date successfully, they believe all other lesbians have baggage, and so on. I saw a significant need for a system for women to meet each other, to get out of their comfort zones, and actually connect, face-to-face. Through my experience working with single lesbians,I learned the most common dating problems among them.
Dating is a numbers game. It takes seven dates with seven different women to actually meet one that you connect with. That's right. Seven. And yet, we spend more time and energy shopping for a new car than we do to find a compatible partner.
If you’re serious about finding"Her," dating requires devoting time in your schedule for dinners, coffees, and drinks with strangers to find out who they are. If every hour of every day is filled with work or other obligations, you’re not going to have the time (or the energy) to truly focus on getting to know another individual. And isn’t that what you expect from someone who is going on a date with YOU?
Dating is not U-Hauling. The polar opposite of the woman who has no time to meet the "right" woman is the one who meets, melds and moves in with the "right-now" woman. Instant monogamy might protect us from being alone, but when we choose convenience over true compatibility, it doesn't last. Eventually,we break up and we’re devastated. Then, we either repeat the cycle with the next "right-now" woman, or build walls around our hearts and bemoan that there are no quality women out there.
Dating isn’t really about dating. It’s about you.I can’t tell you how many women I've consulted that have a laundry list of traits they're looking for in a partner, but gave almost no thought to what they are offering. We all want to be loved for who we genuinely are, but let's face it;we can all be better versions of ourselves.
Some improvements are quick and easy. Try a new hairstyle, update your wardrobe,take up an activity or hobby. If you’re out of shape, start exercising. If you're out of the loop, take time to read more. In short, spruce up your house before inviting someone into it.
Dig deeper. Some self-improvements aren't as simple as a cool haircut or a new jacket. Old issues are not going to solve themselves. I can’t tell you how many women I've worked with and recognized a need for therapy, or a serious realignment of expectations.
If you're still carrying around old baggage, set it down for good through therapy or self-help. Admitting you have issues is not the end of the world. Showing that you're working on them is much more attractive than denial. A great partner cannot repair your lack of trust, dissolve your fear of intimacy, or help you get over your ex. It's not her job to fix you. She can't, even if she wanted to.
Forgive your exes.
If you’re still struggling with old guilt, sadness, or just general malaise about your ex, the best thing you can do for the health of your future romantic relationships, is to forgive her; not for her, but for yourself.
Write her a letter, call her, meet her in person, or if only in your mind and heart, say, “I forgive you for hurting me.” Making peace with your past and releasing resentment will open your heart to a whole new world of possibilities. Besides, talking about your ex during a first date is a well known second date killer.
Stop questioning and start asking. The two questions single lesbians ask me most frequently are: "How do I know if she’s a lesbian?" and "How do I approach her?"
A woman's hair, nails, clothes, politics or playlist are not going to clue you in to her romantic preferences.The only way you’re going to find out if she dates women is by talking to her. I always advise my clients: “Be bold. Tell her she’s attractive, compliment her on something." There’s absolutely nothing wrong with giving a compliment. If she starts talking to you, you've opened the door to learning what you want to know about her.
Making your interest in her known is very easy, and very not-so-easy. The premise is simple: Make eye contact. Does she reciprocate? Does she smile? Does she seem intrigued, shy, wary or uninterested? Reading between the lines is one of the hardest aspects of dating, and a major source of anxiety and confusion for lesbians.
"I've tried everything you're saying, and nothing works." I recommend dating coaching. Is there something in your expectations, your beliefs about love and relationships,or your dating patterns that are keeping you from meeting someone? A dating coach is a very practical way of gaining honest, unbiased insight, and the kind of clear guidance that your friends simply can't offer.
The Dating Decode.I've taken everything I've learned over the past 15 years – from my therapy practice, to one-on-one dating/relationship coaching, to my work as a matchmaker – and developed a one-of-a-kind, step-by-step system for women to find solid matches with the highest probability of long-term success.
Every woman deserves love – righteous, healthy, free form love. That is why I've devoted my career to helping women navigate the lesbian dating world by giving them the tools they need to find lasting, meaningful, healthy relationships. We should expect nothing less.
Dr. Frankie's Lesbian Dating Tools
The Dating Decode: My new, comprehensive program using dual methodologies in psychology and matchmaking that women can utilize on their own.This step-by-step program will not only teach you how to find love, but how to keep it. To learn more click here.
Little Gay Book: Specializing in lesbian and bisexual matchmaking in the San Francisco Bay Area, Los Angeles, San Diego, New York, Boston and Hawaii. Our database contains thousands of women who have been thoroughly vetted, screened and selected specifically for you.
Lesbian Speed Dating: Hosted by a trained relationship consultant, these fun and lively events focus on single women meeting and getting to know up to 12 women during 3-8 minute "dates" within 90 minutes.
Lesbian Table for Six: Our newest lesbian dating offering: A relaxed dinner party in a local restaurant, with personal introductions by our matchmaker. We populate the dinner with fun and liked-minded women from our singles database who are just your type.
Wing Woman: Exactly what it sounds like, and exactly what you need: An outgoing woman accompanies you to an event, facilitates introductions, gives pointers and acts as your coach, teammate and cheerleader, all in one, for the evening.
Professional Coaching: Focused. Specific. Effective. Short-term sessions that help shift your thinking patterns, recognize obstacles, and get you on the path toward a loving relationship.
YouTube Channel and Blog: My YouTube channel is packed with advice, answers to common questions and actionable tips for every dating situation. My blog has even more content about surveys, sex, support, and singlehood.
Learn more about Dr. Frankie and her suite of dating tools here.