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Ask The Expert

Relationship column


Dear Carol,

My partner and I have been together for just over a year. We are talking about moving in together and possibly marriage down the road. She really wants kids and I am not sure I do, or at least not in the near future. How do I tell her? I am afraid it will change our relationship?  I know I am being selfish but I am just not ready to commit to having a child and not sure if I ever will be. I like the relationship just as it is.




Dear Selfish,

Making the decision to have kids is one of the biggest decisions a couple ever makes. It is a lifelong commitment and one that changes your life forever. Just because you may choose not to have children does not make you selfish. Having children can be the most rewarding experience if it is something you truly want but; if you are not sure it is something you need to think long and hard about before diving in. It is important you discuss what you are feeling with your partner as she has a right to know you are uncertain about having children if this is something she really wants. Perhaps you are just nervous about how having a child will change the dynamics of the relationship? Open lines of communication are important no matter what the outcome is. If your partner really wants children and you decide you really don’t you want to make this decision together as difficult as it may be.  You certainly would not want to hold her back from a lifelong dream and she certainly would not want you to commit to something you are not certain you really want.  As difficult as this may be and even if it means you choose to go your separate ways you both want what is best for each other. Sometimes talking things through together will make you realize what your fears really are and will help the two of you come to a mutually beneficial resolution or compromise.



Carol Sugar-Burke is an Executive Matchmaker for the premier gay and lesbian executive matchmaking firm Bespoke Matchmaking. For more information on Bespoke Matchmaking and to learn about our matchmaking service please click to visit our website, www.bespokematchmaking.com.

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