9 Things You Should Never Say To A Bi Girl Who’s Never Flown Solo
Because sometimes three (or more) isn’t too much of a crowd… and that’s OK.
Credit: Lucas Benjamin
1. “You just did it to please your boyfriend.”
It would have to be a very controlling and frankly quite inappropriate relationship if this was the case. There is nothing to be ashamed of if you want to “experiment” in whatever formation you see fit, as long as everyone is of legal age and consenting. However, it smacks of some kind of lazy acceptance of the idea that we live in an irredeemably patriarchal society to suggest that every woman/other female-spectrum person is owned by their boyfriend… and then to go on to undermine their actions with this idea.
2. “You’re not really bi.”
Another irritating variation on number 1 which continuously crops up. It’s true that some women will engage in sexual shows expressly for the benefit of their partners and/or other intimate acquaintances, but these people are probably in a minority. And even if someone is doing it just to find out if they like it, so what? As long as nobody’s feelings are hurt then live and let live.
3. “Are you poly then?”
Polyamory can be concisely described as a committed relationship with more than one person. A “casual” threesome (or moresome) is very different to this. It doesn’t mean that these things can’t occur between close friends, but they are not comparable to something more long-term and romantic. Plenty of people have casual hook-ups but are emotionally one-partner people. And plenty of people are genuinely poly but straight or gay.
4. “Does your boyfriend know?”
Erm, worst question ever. He was there. I distinctly recall him… No, I’m not going to tell you what he saw (or did). He he.
5. “It’s just a trend…”
Do not even. Bisexual women suffer higher rates of mental health issues, including eating disorders and self-harm, are more likely to be fetishized (and thus sexually assaulted) and then often have the added bonus of worrying that their partner thinks they aren’t enough for them and are about to leave them for someone of another gender. It’s very difficult to manifest away from a binary in a world that often sees everything in black and white.
6. “Bisexual women can’t be faithful.”
Actually, we can, and just like many of my bi friends I am currently living proof. But similar to any other person of any sexuality, some of us are monogamous, some of us aren’t, some of us aren’t all that into intimacy and some of us are a little changeable… It’s a rainbow. It doesn’t matter what Woody Allen reckons about us doubling our chances on a Saturday night (I hate that quote). We are all different and our sexual orientation doesn’t dictate how emphatically, generously, or selectively we choose to express our sexuality.
7. “You give bisexuals a bad name.”
Sure. Just like Charles Manson gave all American men a bad name. Some bisexuals spend every night swinging by our handcuffs from the chandeliers, covered from head to toe in whipped cream, some of us sit at home with our wives polishing our Birkenstocks and some of us just lie down and watch Netflix with our 55 cats. Having the potential to be attracted to more than one gender doesn’t mean we need to be with more than one gender. But sometimes, some of us indulge that particular urge.
8. “Don’t you get jealous?”
Almost everyone gets jealous, in every relationship, to one degree or another. Many people find that having an open relationship lessens jealousy. After all, if you’re always playing together, you know what your partner is up to and they know what you’re doing too.
9. “Doesn’t he get jealous?”
If jealousy gets out of hand and you aren’t on the same page anymore, then a healthy relationship is all about compromise. That doesn’t mean anyone should feel hard done by or as if they’ve acquiesced into a situation they don’t like. It means reaching as much of a mutually comfortable position as possible. And if it still doesn’t feel comfortable, then maybe it’s time to reassess.